I know it's my fault. I wasted too much time partying & day dreaming. I just always hated doing what everyone told me to do. Now I'm middle aged and shit is so fucking boring and lame. No surprise huh? I've made too many mistakes guys. Not thinking shit through. Not really listening to what I really felt inside. Too stupid to stop and consider things.
I've got 2 kids now. Teenagers. I've been out of work for 2 yrs. Never finished High School (got a GED), never got a degree-not that I ever wanted one. Never fell in love and THAT is what hurts the most.
I've banged lots of women. Some way out of my league too. But I could never close the deal with THE beautiful woman that I really wanted 'cause deep down, I was always too afraid of what people think about me. And how they won't like me or think I'm ugly or think I'm weird.
So I'd just get drunk instead. Or just exercise. So just like that, I probably missed my chance to finally have her.
Then I got "saved". Becoming a Christian was probably the biggest mistake of my entire life. What a waste of 10 years of my youth. Fuck me! FUCK ME!
Then I married a decent woman, but I didn't really love her. I thought she was the best I could do. Of course she cheated on me. I divorced her and though I had a very good job, I hated that fucking job. Shit, I've hated every job I've ever had. You know why? Cause I never really knew myself and what it was I really wanted. When I found out. I was too chicken.
Well now I still know (more or less)but now it's too fucking late. I don't want to do anything else. Besides, I'm too old. Too many chronic health issues from busting my ass all my life...and hurting myself in drunken debacles.
I lost my job, cuz I was infatuated w/ a hot biker chick I was seeing who I couldn't stop thinking about so my work suffered.
I dumped her cause she was not good enough, then changed my mind and got her back. Then she dumped me cause I turned out to be a loser I guess.
I'm getting fat now guys. I can't exercise cause everything hurts when I do.
No degree. Middle aged. No job and no money. My car is a piece of shit on it's best day. And the dream I had as a young man I let go so I could hide from myself and everyone else because I was a pussy! And confused.
Now my boat has sailed and I'm not on it with her...that beautiful love of my life. She's out there somewhere I guess. She wanted to love me too. To give me a shot but I never showed up. I still tell myself it may not be too late. But how could she? She's so amazing, smart, athletic, beautiful and full of spontaneity and life!
I'm trapped in a pile of my own shit and too broken to get out!!
Let this be a warning to you. Do EVERYTHING you can to educate yourself. Listen to what you really want. Pay attention to who you really are and what you're really not. Don't compromise and go after 'it' while you're young. And try not to get hurt either. It sucks to lose your sense of well being cause your in pain all the time. And if you have trouble finding courage or strength, don't waste time with religion! Read LOTS of good books and talk to smart people and really listen! You'll find you will do just fine without Jesus. Promise.
Have a good life.
Fuck you.
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