LIFE SUCKS

mostly by myself

I'm 30 years old. I'm male. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with ADHD and mild depression. I've always been different and never fit in anywhere. My parents hated my guts when I was going through my teenage years, the toughest time of my life. My teachers hated me and I was always in trouble for something.
I never did anything in high school and now I am paying the price. I'm in University trying to finish a degree and I'm so afraid I'll never be good at anything and never be able to hold down a job or a career in order to be happy. I spend most of my time alone and when I'm invited out I seldom go. I'm super picky with the people I spend time with and I constantly scare girls off because I am hyper sexual and can't bring myself to lie about relationships. I really want true love, but it's been six years and I've dated alot of girls, but I still can't get over an ex. Sometimes I think she was 'the one.' Even though I know love and everything that goes along with it is simply a construction of the media and an attempt to convince ourselves that we are not some over breeding over populating species. Sure I believe in love, but at the same time I don't.
She's now married and pregnant with a child that isn't mine. This has convinced me that love is not real. No girl can really love you if they can leave you and birth a child with another man. It's all a sick game and it's all a sick competition and it makes me nihilistic. Sometimes I think life is bullshit. It's all lies and hate and deception and guilt and convincing and entrapment and enslavement and suffering. Being an adult sucks. It has its high points, but it's more lonely than anything I've ever experienced in my life. It's getting better. I used to sleep all day as a child. I'm not kidding. I would lay in bed for 14 hours, I even did this until around my early 20's. I constantly felt like shit. I constantly hated myself. I don't feel that way anymore. Now I know the world is bullshit and that everyone in my past failed me. My school, my parents, my friends. They all fucked me up so bad that I became a maladjusted man and although I'm now better I can never escape the person I've become because of my past. I can never escape my past no matter how much I try and how much I read and how much I work out and learn and discover and mature. No matter how much I want to be popular and have friends it never happens. The funny thing is, lol, I'm above average looking, so they say, and I'm above average intelligence, bullshit, I play guitar and drums and sing, sometimes I think I'm good but who knows really. It's Friday night and I'm by myself. I spend most weekends by myself. I know I'm not dying and I have no diseases and I shouldn't fucking complain, but I would never wish this on anyone. Life is meant to be happy and as a social being we are meant to be surrounded by people, but new research has showed me that it's just a media trick. Life is shit, I have no free will and I'm destined to be like this forever. Alone and miserable and oh ya I can't hold down a fucking relationship either or a job, I fuck up everything and I secretly love it. Fuck the system. It's all bullshit and I'm miserable because I don't fit. I don't belong here. This body is a fucking prison and I hate it.