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I am in hell and its all my fault (damnit)

Posted by anonymous at October 7, 2011
Tags: Life Story  2011 October

My life is in hell or even ruins one could say.I was born November 18th, 1980 to two very good parents.When I say good,I mean :my dad always provided enough money to pay the bills because he owned a trailer park on a river front (river front property).By the time I was 15 My dad owned a 250,000 dollar house which he negotiated to buy for $90,000 another House that he rented out which sat on a big enough piece of land to build 4 other houses and he owned nother trailer park.He owned his own Income Tax Preparaton Office.My mother worked also after having me ,the last of five children.My childhood was comfortable and well taken care of.They were loving parents that knew when and how to talk to you at the right exact perfect time and make you feel good and laugh.I attended public highschool.I saw all 4 of my older brothers and sisters drop out of highschool and get in trouble and hear the lectures they got about how important an education is.I dropped out anyway.This is where the hell begins.I wanted.Oh wait the hell started when I was 4 years old and visiting a friend of my mothers' with her and I was left to play with my mother's friends son.He put his hotwheel car in front of me as if he was sharing it with me and then just before I went to grab it he snatched it away from me.I know this was innocent because his simple baby mind probably lost attention to the fact that he began to share his toys and before I had a chance to enjoy the recreational amusement device of a toy hotwheel car the fucking simple minded baby head fucking took the car I wanted to play with away!I know this gave his mortal head the idea to start doing that over and over so I got the idea that if I hit him with all my might with any of the metal cars in the face,especially probably the eyesbrow where it will hit a bone,the hard bone of the eyebrow,this would make him cry and then his mom would come and see what was happening and then split me and him apart away from the knew found thieving car tease little who now thinks he is wittier than me because hes putting cars in front of me and snatching like crazy.All I had to do was grab a car and SMACK cracked on the eyebrow with a little car!BUT I DIDN'T DO IT!!! ,I fought with myself in getting the nerve to make this effect happen and time passed and he ended up hitting me with his fist like he got some mental metaphysical idea telepathically because I was thinking about hitting him.The whole time I became awkwardly unexpressive that visit.I then think I stayed that way.My consistent never go with the feeling in my heart routine whenever it came time to play in the play areas while my mother got her hair cut was always awkward.I would always leave with the feeling that my mother and I bothe knew and the other kids and their parents knew I could have had a better time wherever play should happen.I became an unexpressive child ,or suppressed inside.To this day I never follow my heart.Like I didbn't when I chose to drop out of highschool.My heart or gut told me that it would be a truly wise choice to stay in school figuring that I had reasoned to stay in school because I learned that it was a negative "don't do" after seeing all of my bro.s and sisters do so.But they dropped out for cool reasons.They wanted to lead a rock band after having become talented at Guitar and Bass.My dad,all his brothers (four bros.) all play music.My dad plays the guitar and him and his bros.play latin music since they were in there early teens as early as 13.My sisters were the ones who didn't play instruments ,only those that you get to play in American Middle and High School Orchestra Or Symphony classes.My eldest sister played the Saxophone and My other elder sister followed suit (i guess in the foot steps of her older sister who she probably looked up to).To this day,I am 30 ,I have shyed away at asking my father to teach me guitar, my brothers ,or even my uncles,even all of their children play music,I can be called a black sheep of the family.I'd bet if I had taken advantage of all of my opportunities to learn and play music,I'd be a member of Axl Roses new Guns'N Roses!I was always too shy to get up and ask my dad to take me to work with him at the trailer park where his comfortable Tax office was and my grandparents,I could have learned a trade by now but my working with my dad is slim.He owned the trailer parks(s) for at least 38 years and I didn't do a damn thing to earn becoming an inheriter of the lands,none of them sdo to his lack of help from his children grew in value at the last 15 years of owning them ,I had started getting to the point where I was unexpressive all my life even to wake up and spend the morning with my parents even though I wanted to.The trailer parks were sold and the second home to the city for way under what their potential property value was.Close to amenities(Minor league baseball field within a minute across the river view,a huge forest preserve park across theriver view,a river,downtown midsized city 155,000 people within 5 minutes,an International/National aiport within five minutes,a major State Route Highway that connects to Interstate 90 within 3 minutes) all that potential wasn't even considered in the selling!!!??Because I was too shy to come out of my room and speak!Iwas always the quiet kid in school!Quiet awkwardly all year!I let a kid slap me in the face 6 times before he turned around ,sitting in front of me before math class,without defenind myself and and beating him up.This happened again by another kid who was in that same elementary school class only this time in Middle school.I was a follower who followed around this kid who dressed cool and was in a grade lower than me.I really didn't drop out.The school dropeed me out for truancy because I was skipping classes to go drink or smoke cigarettes or weed.Or all three.I was hanging with these guys .One was older than me by two years and one younger by three years.The older one came over on a date with my sister.The younger was his cousin.I started hanging out with these guys daily smoking weed.It was the first time I ever supplied the weed.I had a 25 dollar bag.I packed one bowl and we passed it around .And then right before my eyes the elder picked up my weed baggy from the table and looking at his cousin lauging he put the weed in his chest pocket and stole it from me.I dodn't do anything but awkwardly keep hanging out with them for a year until I got dropped out of highshcool.The first time I smoked weed with them though,I did this very very very stupid thing.After hitting a joint(it was the first time I ever smoked weed too)I felt a little different but yet I could still predict that if I took another hit,I probably would feel higher.They asked me if I was stoned" .I ,being not accustomed to talking barely responded as saying yes.I knew I wasn't either!They then assumed I was stupid and they said "Hey why don't you get up and look at the wall up close."(I gueess they wanted to see if I would do it like as if smoking weed would make me lose my mind and I was naive enough to do it!My heart wanted to tell them to be real and figure that everyone has never heard of people hallucinating on marijuana.My fucking dumb ass got up and looked at the wall.And they laughed and figured me as naive.I was 17 years old at this time.I became addicted to phone sex.In the summer between sixth grade and seventh grade.This has continued on up into my late twenties and I occasionally call those free samples they advertise on television for datelines to this day.I know this makes me a loser.I started masturbating at the age of 8 and have never stopped and at age 30 my libido is low and I have a baby face when most people my age are looking chiseled and matured.I have soft hands and my nuts are always drained.I have never resolved to be determined to excerise until my body is rock hard ,so rock hard that it produces confidence.I always supressed my mothers encouragement to take karate,oh yeah about music:I even supressed the chance to take up a musical instrument in school even.I shyed away from all sports,even T-ball.Afraid to get hurt in foootball tryouts,afraid to get hit by a pitchers throw in hardball.Never play pool,bowl,fish or joined school clubs.I am a nobody.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 26,Nov,11 21:02

Huh?


By anonymous at 27,Nov,11 17:42

ha ha. What a pussy. Grow a pair and fight back.


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By take a look at it! at 23,Oct,13 18:18

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