I honestly think god gets his entertainment out of my mystery.. Though I'm not to old, I'm 17, almost 18. Most of you would say I haven't lived long enough to understand depression or what life still has to offer for me. I've spent the last 14 years of my life in depression. I have abusive parents that i can't call cps on, because they side up with my step father ( who by the way get his entertainment from my misery, too ) because of his job. I have no real family. I was ran out of school because of the nasty people, students and teachers, who made every day a living hell. My best friend was slaughtered by a drunk driver on my last birthday. I got every day with at least one person telling me i'm worthless. I've applied everywhere and can't seem to get a job.. though i've just recently gone bankrupt and no one will let me borrow enough gas money to actually look for a job. And this last episode was i finally met someone who made me feel like i was worth something, we were in a happy relationship and as soon as an accidental pregnancy came up, he left me. I was on my own, no support from family, no friends, no one. I later on had a miscarriage but he's blocked my number and any other way of contacting him. I've tried committing suicide 9 times now, i've spent nights in a mental hospital. Even the people in the psycho ward were nasty to me. Anyways, aside from my depression, Everynight; Since i was age 3 i would pray to god. Always praying for my life to get better, even though it keeps spiraling down into the pits of hell. I've prayed and prayed and done all i could. I do nothing wrong, i actually try and do as much good as i can especially when it comes to doing things for other people. So why am I getting nothing in return other than beaten by my parents, losing close friends and family members, having my dad not allow me to come visit, and now the one person who i love wants nothing to do with me. It's one thing after next, every time i pray for a little help, things seem to get worse. I've put all my faith in God, So why can't he have a little faith in me. I wasn't built for all the pain i've been through. And what makes it worse is no matter which way i try to attempt my suicide, I'm still here. So back to where i started.. I've pretty much come to believe he tortures me because he likes seeing me in pain. Some times i just want to lose all faith, but it's hard because it's easier to think that there's someone there listening to you.. even if in reality he barely sees your existence. I'll continue to pray though, like his slave that i've become. I just wish he'll eventually acknowledge my existence and help me out. | |
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