I'm 44 years old. For twelve years I've suffered from chronic pain in my head and neck. I've been examined and treated by all kinds of medical doctors and specialists, but nothing really helps. I'm not able to work and is supported by incapacity benefits. Everyday is the same. When I'm not in great pain, I'm bored. My life has become a pointless marathon of suffering with only rare and tiny moments of alleviation and joy. My social life is almost non-existent. I get no real love, no real emotional care from other people, no sex. Before I got ill my life was better, but never good or even satisfactory. My mother died when I was twelve and left me with my alcoholic, uncaring father. The loss and the dysfunctional, unstable family environment made me lose my orientation in life and completely destroyed my ability to make close ties with girlfriends and potential life partners. From my teenage years and onwards my life has been a living hell briefly interrupted by pockets of (academic) success, hope and joy. Every day I wake up I'm sad that I'm still here, having to endure more pain. I'm so relieved that I never got any children. I don't (yet) have the guts to kill myself, but I really, really want to die as soon as possible. And I don't want to come into existence as a sentient being ever again. | |
Think about it; Jesus suffered a cruel death for us, lets unite our suffering with Him so that we can be eternally happy with Him in the afterlife.
It makes sense.
You got dealt a losing hand. Sorry. But there are 3 ways this could go in your favor if you go all out and don't kill yourself:
1) you could succeed and show everyone else that there IS hope
2) you could fail, but have done so much stuff that your life was still amazing
3) you could say fuck it and dedicate the rest of your life to having whatever fun you can
People HAVE made it out of worse though.
I believe all of us feels like this.
I think there are 2 ways to deal with this meaningless existence:
1- to find a meaning (God is an excellent answer)
2- to live without excessive worries, looking for fun and joy
The first is more stable, since the second may overload you at some moment (but hey, until there you would have a lot of stories to tell).
But please don´t give up.
There must be hope for us.
Hugs
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