Im 33 years old and i have gone from being a well liked life and soul party animal, into a lonely wreck with no friends or family members who bother to contact me. I could die right now and i wouldnt be missed, im so depressed that my life has taken this turn, so i turn to drink and drugs to black out the pain
It all centres around when i was 7 and i watched my mum die after she had taken an overdose. I miss her so much in my life, that its hard for me to commit in relationships and when im drunk i get angry because of it. Our father was a strict discplinarian that abused my sisters after she died and would not let us grieve for our mother, as emotion was a sign of weakness. I hate him for what he has done to our family.
I have tried to committ suicide once but did it wrong and lived. It scared me so much im afraid to try again, however i always think about it and it wrecks my every day thought process.
I am quite sociable but since i moved away and lost touch with everyone, i feel so isolated from society. I sit in my room mostly after work and im on the internet all the time, looking at suicide sites, facebook to see if anyone may want to chat, but they dont no longer.
The hard thing is everyone who knows me thinks im still the same person, but im not, i yearn to be in a secure reltionship with someone that loves me, however i feel that day will never be realised.
i dont know what to do, what steps to take to get rid of this feeling. I have had anti depressants, i have talked to some friends but it only temporary takes away the pain, as once im home and back to my room those old feelings come flooding back.
im writing my story as i feel i want to reach out to anyone on this earth who may be able to advise me on what im doing wrong and how to get out of this rut, before i do something stupid and let a lot of people down..
Thanks for stopping by to read and i wish you a good life.
Antony | |
Not secure enough? Find a wife from another race, have an export good. THat will solve your problem. Spanish speaking choice? Check. (From mexico) Japanese speaking stick insect? check. (Running from the radiation) Spicy Thai food dinner enverynight? Check.
As they say - shit happens! We all go into alternate good and bad phases in life. Sometimes you think you want to end it all, sometimes you want to live forever, sometimes just to numb yourself into oblivion...
I can't give you hope to cling on, but I can advice you to try to see yourself - as separately as possible from the outside world and find all the good things that you have...
And, believe me, you have!
I wish you find it!
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