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Posted by fmj at September 9, 2011
Tags: Philosophical  2011 September

I've had an interesting experience this past weekend. I took a trip down to Philly to be with a few friends for labor day weekend. I've been talking to and seeing quite a few girls since I dumped my ex in March. I am happier without her and she was never really with me, despite being together for 3 years, proposing to her, being my first, giving her everything I had and then some she still had time to cheat on me with her ex's, friends and random internet 'fans'about every 3-4 months. Rather, I seemed to have fallen in love harder with a stranger than with my ex.

I always believed she cheated on me because of my skin color, that I was too ugly for her. She was a model, mixed race but of light skin. She's one of those fake/pseudo internet celebrity types that are now so common. I'm Indian, and she claims I am of model level attractiveness whatever that means. I am very active, fit, athletic, consistently employed and moving up. She on the other hand came from a broken family and has been repeatedly unemployed, mostly of her own doing. She is bipolar and taking Lamictal to deal with it. I'm not sure if any of the information explains why she needed to cheat on me. Worst off she met me months after my father passed away and, admittedly, I may have put so much into our relationship to fill that tearing hole of grief screaming through my soul, that has yet to be filled except...except for a moment this past weekend.

I was standing in line for my Megabus back to NY when I struck up a conversation with this girl, who turned out to be German once I inquired about her accent. Not only is she German, she's Turkish-German and she was a stunningly beautiful blonde Applied Sciences student. I'm not sure how this happened, but she became immediately attached to me, once we talked for about 10-15 minutes. We only had a 2 hour bus ride but it was magical, especially when we stopped talking and it was only our hands, fingers, and legs doing the communicating. She asked to lean on my shoulder, then she fell asleep. She turned half awake looking up at me and hugged my biceps and napped on me. We'd play with each other palms, fingers. She rested her head in the crook of my neck between my shoulder and my head. It felt so right. It felt more right than the 3 years I wasted with my ex. It was a really happy moment but the loneliness comes when the ride was over and we separated. I'm not sure if I'll ever see her again as she is heading back to Germany and only came to New York for an internship.

She was beautiful, and she made me feel beautiful.
Its been only a few days since I last saw her at Penn but I think about her constantly. I know she will fade away from my mind. I'm just hoping to get close to someone like that again. Sex was not even involved, it was just pure closeness and warmth.

It felt so right.


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