Reading through some of these stories makes me feel like maybe I'm not so bad off (mainly in the sense that I've never been abused or had any famly problems). I just feel like I haven't accomplished anything in the 18 years I've existed on this earth. Like I'm just living for the hell of it. After graduating high school a few months ago, I've been at a complete dead end... All my friends are moving away or working all the time now, and I'm still here writing this story... I guess I should begin with the depression and social anxiety I've been living with for as long as I can remember, though in the last year its really started to consume me, I start to see the mediocrity of my entire life. I've never won anything, never been good at anything either. I don't feel like I have any meaning in this world. People tend to not notice me, maybe it's because I sub-consciously don't want anyone to notice me, I dunno. But I've been ignored by most everyone I've met since as long as I can remember. I live at home and have no job and don't go to college, not like I'd be able to get into a college with my shitty grades I got in high school. I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to live on my own, it just feels like I've come to a dead end, and instead of doing the whole "keep on trying to be the best you you can be" horseshit, I'd really just rather give up and call it a day. I've spent most of the last 10 years in a constant state of anger, hatred, and bitterness towards people. I haven't had anything really "soul crushing" happen to me yet, but no sense in delaying the inevitable. I have zero self esteem, I'd rather point out a hundred flaws about me than try to find one good thing about me. My famly has a history of mental health issues and I'm certain i'm
Next in line for em. I often loose all sexual interest for months on end, which only furthers my depression (I'm a teenager too, which I'm pretty sure isn't normal for an average teen to go through). I just don't see any reason to keep going forward, all I do everyday is contemplate, I just think about life all day, and how stagnate this existence of ours has become. We live in an artificial world, surrounded by man made objects. Most of us couldn't survive a week if left in a natural environment. I often fantasize about dying (both suicide and from more "natural" causes). If I believed in a divine being or afterlife, I'd pray everyday that he/she/whatever would just erase this world from existence, I'm tired of living this mediocre life. I see no way out except in death, I'm not truly suicidal yet, but I don't particularly feel like living either. I guess I'm in sort of a "purgatory" right now. In the meantime, I just keep pissin days away until something happens for me I guess... Thanks for reading. | |
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