where to begin. I'm a 24 year old male living in one of the countries of former Yugoslavia. In comparisson with other stories on this site mine might seem pretty peachy. what's my main problem...stinging loneliness that has been folowing me since I can remeber. Im just depressed and its difficult to express why but hell I have the time, it's friday night and Im sitting here drinking a bottle of wine and smoking fags one after another.
In elementary school I was a very shy and quiet kid. I didnt speak a lot or socialize with the others. why? I guess I was weak, no confidence at all, sucked at every godamn sport there is. I had one friend, he was also a godamn loser and he still is today, just like me. so, this period of my life could be summed up by saying I was just playing video games and reading books that were to advanced for my age but hell, no friends, no life, no confidence, I had nothing better to do. I knew noone at elementary school but later i found out that they all knew me...as the weird, silent freaky guy. In my interaction with ppl I was just a clown, making a fool of myself in a pathethic try to get acceptance. again, solitude, isolation...its painful as f... we evolved as social beings so being ALONE is poison. and one more thing, if u asked anyone about me they would say that I was a "nice guy" and weird offcourse. remember that
Hight school, first class, intoduction. You there... intoduce yourself! Im .... and they girls said, awww he is such a nice guy. Lets talk about women, everyone by this time had at least made out with a girl. No, lets talk about freakin dicks ok...cause I had one hugeee issue... i was trippin that I had a small dick ok :) that shit scars u for life, trust me. It was the source of all my insecurities. OK so, first shitty grade, second grade ppl start braging about losing theit virginity, third and fourth all have lost it, had gfs or whatever. fast forward, Im 18 at this point and topics of sex are a common thing where as I had just kissed a girl for the first time on my 18/th birthday and Im buzzin like Im on drugs. I finished HS with high grades altough I made very little effort. Ok now Im 18, Im not a total loser, I have a lot of friends which I have gained by smoking weed on a daily basis, drinking, partying etc.
Ok, now its time to go to college, I got accepted at law(which is the shittiest college around cause the market is flooded with lawyers and your chance of getting a job are non existent) so, now I'm a freshman virgin idealist pothead. Im still a loser by societys standars but since Im high as the sky every day I dont know it yet. I kicked ass the first year, passed the toughest exams with the highest grades while being high 24/7. glory days. the cool "kids" envied me, but then...I lost interest, the decline, the depression, apathy. I screwed up, got stuck in the 2nd year for three GODAMN years. The idealism and hope are now a distant memory and Im still a VIRGIN and its killing me on a daily basis, Im paralyzed. suicidal thoughts, daily fights at home, noone ever loved you and never will...get a degree, get of my back u druged piece of shit,;just a rutine. get high, it will all be OK. Made out with 5,6,7 girls who wanted me to fu.. them. But I didnt because nmb1 i never felt any emotion for any of them, nmr2 issues kids, issues.
And then I get to the 3rd year of college and on the first day I see this freakin Godess, people. She is the hottest thing I have EVER seen in my pathethic life. Femme fatal...and wtf, she,hot as she is looking at ME like she likes me. Impossible, your trippin idiot. Im sorry this is turning out to be a long story. Anyway, 3rd year, still screwed up as hell, going to class, everybody is around this smart as devil Godess, drooling, begging for her pu..y. Not me, I know I dont stand a chance. Noone at colleges likes me at all(they hate me)At this point she approaches me one day and says: lets get a cup of coffee. I get to know her, she gives me her number, I dont call for months. One day at class she says: lets watch a movie at my place. we meet, we kiss,godess tits, godess ass, godess Brains...we dont fuck, now its time to remember my dick issue people. we do this 3 more times(no sex). she wants it but I cant get over my issue. We fight, we dont talk for 3 months. Im a an idiot I know.In that time I meet some unsignificant girl and I I get my first blowjob, lucky me...moron. Issue gone!
We're 4th year now. we are friends(she has a money making,drug dealing boyfriend the whole time)SOMETIMES. Im in love with her and she knows it. Shit Im drunk, light another one...moving on! she was everything I never dared to dream so all this time Im not letting her go. Sooo one sunny day, she breaks up with her bf and comes to my place. I fuck my Godess, I loose my virginity and I hug her.During that hug for the first time in my life I am not alone, for the first time I am happy, people. yeah and it turns out, the dick issues was just an issue. We fucked every day, she definetely enjoyed it a lot more than I did. God I miss her...
yeah, she was my girlfriend for 2 and a half months. The Godess. Problems emerged, we grew distant. One night a lot of bad shit happened, my junkie loser best friend whom I had loved(in a heterosexual way) crashed my car and my parents found out I was doing speed and weed for the...I dunnoo seventh time. U druged piece of shit, get a degree, get of my back etc. the rutine. The next week she cheated on me, I found out the same godamn night she did it. I went balistic, stress, purest pain. You are a fuckin whore. Fuck u, Im not gonna dedicate my life to you, you fucking issued junkie. I still love you, lets stay friends. No,fuck you whore, I dont ever wanna see you again(what a lie).
exactly two months passed since that day...IM sitting here on a friday night alone and drunk. No friends again. U dont wanna see me? Ok, get back to your empty life she said, you are gonna regret it.She was right...as usual. things wouldnt be so bad if I could just concentrate on my exams. I have one in 3 days and I cant get nothing done. Ppl used to say I was smart but now it doesnt seem like it. Cant learn the easiest exams. I feel stupid. The only advantage in life I had is gone, my intelligence. Maybe I fried it with the 8 year long drug abuse. The worst thing in life is when u know u had a chance for greatness but u fucked up. I hope this inability to learn is a result of stre4ss and depression because I NEED my brain back to get on with my life. So close to a degree but its hard to study when your mind is full of past demons who mindfuck you after every sentence you read.
She is happy now, I think, the only woman I loved that loved me back. havent seen her since that night. the Godess, prospering, fucking, loving som1 else.
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See mate, it could be worse. I have to attend a birthday party today. She is there. Her best friend is also there. I don't want to go. And she will party like crazy, then at night she will go get screwed by the jerk who could kill her best friend. I love her, but hate her. She used me, doesn't care a bit. And her best friend was supporting me, and she doesn't even care that she nearly died. But I cannot curse her even, cause I love her...
And I am alone, cried so much this month, after she threw like a toilet paper. You are lucky my friend, you could be me.
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