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Loneliness and Depression

Posted by anonymous at August 27, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  2011 August  Loneliness

I am a young, 18 year old studying in college. College has completely opened my mind and my logic; how I interact to others and how I talk to myself (thinking in my head).I have had a few crushes, which have made me go over the top; causing me to have severe depression, anorexia, and extreme physical activity every day. In my strange case of depression, liking someone, just liking someone, gave me feedback and motivation to do extreme cardio exercise everyday (run, bike, swim) and also starve myself to the brink of deteriorating my family ties. This happened in 9th and 10th grade
Now, with my mind opened, things are much clearer and have learned from my mistakes with eating and exercise. I am still very physically active, but very, very alone. I am in a college program, getting my associate's the same time I graduate from high school, 2 years ahead. I have recently texted a girl, and started flirting, but then noticed that I was the only one asking the questions...the texting and socializing has died off now...But in general, all my life, no one seems to understand me. Due to being alone and without someone to relate to, have had oscillations in my depression; periods of where I am fine, but not ecstatically happy, down to thinking of suicide in my mind. Suicide thoughts have made me say to myself in my head, 'will anyone really care about me when I die? Nobody gives a shit, NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS ME!'I still think that, with my mind being "open", it has shaped my personality to being shy, kind, sincere, and straightforward. Negatively, however, am very serious, gullible, and don’t tend to start conversations. All of my friends are what I consider 'buddies' in which I just say hi to them and talk to them around the college campus, but don’t hang out with them outside of school. I am becoming scared that I will be lonely for the rest of my life and that, because I am so serious and gullible, no girl will understand me at all and I will never have a girlfriend. Love and loneliness have been ultimately the cause of my, what I would call, mildly severe, depression. I have been getting 4-5 hours of sleep for the past year ever since being in college. I feel like the depression is gradually getting worse and worse, humping slightly up, but then dropping straight down. I don’t know how much I will be able to bear anymore. It is getting worse and worse and worse! Every time I look at the past few years, I long to be how I was feeling back then, everything seemed and felt so much better than it does now.
I still am fit and muscular; I currently go to the gym, road bike (cycling), and surf and run every now and then. I think that I am still ahead of my time; the majority of students and classmates in college are still somewhat immature for me, especially the girls. Because I am shy, girls find that a turn off (which I find as fucking ridiculous). If I were ever to be with a girl, I would be very serious and gullible, not really taking control of the relationship, I would be submissive, but sincere, kind and loving to that person. I would not lust them or want to have sex with them, I just want to show love and affection by holding their hand with mine, hugging...embracing together, that would make me so happy. But most women this day want some extrovert guy that treats them like trash and only wants to fuck them...what fake suckups, I think that really, they somewhat assholes trying to fit into society like that!!!I am very scared that I will be alone all my life. I am mad to find how misunderstood I am; people think that I look like a pothead.I have never smoked nor consumed any alcohol at all. I have a deep voice and I cant really speak loudly...When I am depressed as I am now, I just tear up, but no moaning or groaning or sniffling, I feel heavy, and my eyes just rain a few drops of tears.
OVERALL,IAM DEPRESSED FROM BEING TOO SEROUS ABOUT LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS.IAM ALSO DEPRESSED BECAUSE LACK OF ANY FRIENDS, STRENOUS ACADEMIC, LACK OF SLEEP, AND MAINLY, THE FACT THAT PEOPLE NOT ONLY DONT UNDERSTAND ME, BUT MISJUDGE ME FOR BEING A FUCKING POTHEAD!!!I am so nice, shy and sincere; I really get offended when people say that! ANYWAYS, MY "FRIENDS" ARE ONLY BUDDIES ANDIFEEL THAT TIME IS RUNNNING OUT, DEATH SEEMS TO BE LOOMING OVER ME.
I am gasping for breath, for a voice, but time is running out...


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 29,Oct,11 05:15

Why are you talking about time running out dude? You are 18 years old! The best age to get married is around 28-30. You have all the time in the world. And it's not like you can't get married at 40 either.

The thing is though, I think we are very similar. I too am quite introverted (or as you call it "serious"- as in "can't stand smalltalk"), I am looking for the same things in a relationship that you are. Heck, I even love running and biking too :D. I never knew anyone else exercised for similar reasons. I find myself quite angry sometimes, about being alone, so I started running and biking, and it works very well for me as a way to vent my anger. I'm not very fit though, so I guess I don't do it to the same extent you do.

I couldn't agree more about the fact that girls tend to make stupid decisions when picking a boyfriend. I mean it's just ridiculous: they can go for the nice guy or for the cool guy. They KNOW that the nice guy will treat them well, never cheat, be loving, responsible etc, but they go for the cool guy, somehow failing to realize that he only wants to sleep with them, and if they would end up married, he would probably cheat, be angry, and just plain suck. "Ohh but he is more exciting" or whatever, I never get that. It's like all the girls, no matter how smart they are, or seem to be, have this instinct to go for the biggest idiot they can find. It just makes no sense at all does it :D?

Anyways. I think guys like us are a rarity. I would think that a girl that gets us is in fact lucky to have found a guy like that. Of course, I would consider myself even luckier to have found a girl that likes me, but that hasn't happened so far :D. Just keep on keeping on.

And don't try and be someone else, because that just wouldn't work. You can pretend to be the loud extrovert for a date, for a month, for a year, but sooner or later you will have to stop, and when a girl who has fallen for you because of what you pretended to be sees the real person behind the mask, things might go terribly wrong. Of course, being the loner types we have a harder time getting the girl, but we only need to find the one that's a keeper, so might as well invest some time in it :).

Good luck!


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