I am a 23 year old guy. I have had 3 jobs this year, I quit the first for one that paid more, the 2nd was too hard though so I got a third one that I will be starting next week. This one pays about the same as the 2nd but is easier and with a well known company. It usually doesn't take me more than a few weeks to get a job since I am in the programming field.
Ok so that's the end of all that's good in my life, here's everything else:
- I never had sex, kissed a girl, or was even friends with one
- Not only do I have no friends but haven't had one since elementary school
- I am not very bright, it is extremely hard for me to learn anything new, even basic things, my memory sucks
- I have a car but I can't drive
- I am ugly as hell:
- I have severe gynocomastia and no I'm not fat. Only my breasts and gut is. I diet a LOT and exercise daily but these areas do not decrease as they are caused by my body producing extra estrogen. I wear a sports bra at all times when outside to hide it
- I have huge keloid scars on my face, left shoulder and chest
- My arms are full of deep self mutilation scars that I got when I used to cut myself in high school. I don't do it anymore but have to wear long sleeves at all times to hide them (even in the summer and I sweat a lot).
- I have terrible acne/oily skin
- My penis is small again due to the extra estrogen my body produces (not that it matters, no one will see it anyway)
- My body is full of stretch marks and I also get ezema breakouts when I am especially stressed and these marks stay permanently
- My voice changes pitch randomly and my speech is so low people ask "what" almost every time I open my mouth. I try to speak more clearly and loudly but it always comes back to "what?"
- My relationship with my family is weird, I love them to death but I can't be myself with others around them. I feel shy and reserved when they are around and I have to deal with others.
- My father is very weird personality wise, anyone who has ever met him says this, he used to be verbally abusive to me and my sister. Still is to my sister and mother but not me since I stopped talking to him. Whenever he speaks to me I just nod or say "ok ok" nothing more. I probably say only a few sentences to him each week and those only replies to what he asks.
- When I was 16 I spent time in a mental hospital for being a danger to myself and when out had to go to multiple therapists and be under every happy pill you can name, nothing ever worked
I live at home with my parents. They are kind and caring but I would rather be living on my own and have a normal happy life. But if I move out I would be even more miserable because then I would be completely alone. Now all I do is work and stay home. When not working all I can think about is suicide, my only pastime since I was young. I don't think there is anything glamorous about suicide (i.e. I'm not emo). I see it as the only logical solution.
The only thing keeping me from killing myself isn't hope that things will get better but what would happen to my family if I did it. That's the only thing.
So if you think your life sucks consider yourself lucky at least you're not me.
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