Everyday i get home from football with just enough time to get all of my homework done. I work my ass off in pre College courses and all I can hear in those classes is how people didn't have enough time to finish their work and it pisses me off to know end when it is really their own fault.
I dedicate most of my energy during the day to football. I run the drills as much as I can, but I never play. After I do a drill I can always hear my coach say, "Come on you're killing me." And sometimes, I want to. Just to prove him right. I don't because I'll will one day ,because my mind will get me farther than my body.
I can tell my parents aren't listening when I'm talking to them. They always repeat the last thing I say or say "well that's exciting" without looking up from their newspaper or phone.
My sister told me to stop hugging her today because it's weird.
I met this girl the other day and we talked for about 45 minutes and I thought connected. Today I realized all she wanted was money. She has a boyfriend. Another girl asked me for a dollar to get a snack. Later on I saw her go to the vending machines with a wallet of money.
All of my friends are trying to get me to quit the sport I'm doing to join theirs. One o them keeps on asking to come over and grill, never at his place only at mine, and when I ask to go to his house, he never has time.
I started talking to this a other girl, but apparently I've made a "giant" mistake with her. Because i'm obviously ignoring her when I don't have enough energy to talk after football and studying.
The only friend I really feel secure talking to is so oblivious and sarcastic in her replies I hardly bother to confide in her.
I know hard work pays on, but sometimes i think this is too much.
Sometimes, I just feel like giving up on humanity
Sometimes I feel it would be so much easier to go into my parents bathroom and take the gun from the drawers and end everything now, but I can't.
That's too easy.
That's selfish.
I will show everyone who ever doubted me,
whoever stole from me,
whoever lied to me,
and whoever took advantage of me,
that I don't need them.
I will rise above this shithole town and do great things.
Fuck this.
I don't need anyone.
All I have is me.
All I need is me. | |
If you don't just want to simply quit, talk to the coach. See him in his office or take him aside and talk to him one on one. Have you ever seen 'Friday Night Lights'? If the coach is a good guy, he'll hear you, ok? If he's a shitty guy and a bad coach, he's going to blow you off, or he might find a way to put it all on you and make you feel like you're the one who needs to do more. That's how you know it's time to quit. No one needs to waste their high school years on some dumbass coach.
What is keeping you hanging on to this sport? If you aren't playing, you're having no fun, and few people at your high school appreciate you, perhaps you'd consider transferring to a nearby school. They might have a football team you could start on, and a whole bunch of new people to make friends with.
I played baseball all through high school for a losing team that did nothing all 4 years. I hurt my arm really bad freshman year but kept playing all the way through because I kept on thinking I was 'supposed' to play through it. That was so dumb of me. If I had just taken a year off from baseball and let my arm heal, or quit and told my stupid coaches to fuck off, maybe I'd have joined track. I was the fastest guy on my team and probably could've done something worthwhile. Or now all I care about is watching basketball, and maybe I could've been a decent point guard in high school. The point is I'll never know because I never tried; I always told myself I had no time.
The point is, stuff feels like it's too much right now. It feels like you have a load on your back maybe, or you feel like you're carrying a weight all the time. So throw that fucking load off your back! Ditch the weight. Find something in life you actually want to 'carry!' Is there another sport you think would be crazy easy and super fun? That's your sport then brotha! People usually play the sports that they like and are good at. You don't need to keep doing something that is getting you nowhere. Success in life is doing the things that make us happy, and that we can be successful in.
It might seem scary or too hard or just impossible and fantastical to drop everything, but sometimes we need to let it all go just to find out what was actually worth 'carrying.' But talk to your school counselors. It's their job. Or ask your parents to set you up with a therapist. They can be super helpful and have to listen to you and help you, because that's what you'll be paying them for! And do everything on your own terms. Let your own choices and beliefs dictate your life. Don't be afraid to make huge, horrendously stupid mistakes. You're still in high school and please believe me, no one that matters will care about ANYTHING that happened in high school, except the fun parts. Stay strong buddy!!
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