LIFE SUCKS

My life sucks Im 45 and dont have a future so depressed

I hate this world I am so angry at every person and I hate myself so much. I got married out of highschool, had a family, raised two kids, the entire 21 years I was alone married but alone emotionally and parenting definately all alone, I never worked, he took care of the money. I wasnt allowed to know anything. My grandmother handed me a few dollars every week, month. I was just used to it I had no clue how the world worked all I did was maintain a house and raise kids and baby sit for relatives but i had nothing of my own. My husband refused to sleep in our bed, he always slept in his office on the couch. He wouldnt eat at the dinner table he would deliberatley avoid it. He wouldnt attend the kids after school sports or plays or band performances, every now and then he would come to one but I really did it all. Once the kids became close to 18 I panicked I got a job at walmart and then I left my husband and I soon found out I couldnt survive on my own so I tried to kill myself. My son had gotten his girlfriend pregnant she was getting ready to have my first grandson and I really couldnt stand this girl, my instincts told me she was using my son. My daughter was only 16 but she decided to stay with her dad so she could finish at her school she didnt want to move to another school district. I understood that so I didnt force it but it definately totally changed our relationship and to this day we are not close like I always thought we would be. My son got into drugs and at 21 he shot and killed someone and is in prison for 70 years and I have a crappy car and no money and its really hard for me to get to go see him. I am so angry at him, but I miss him its a roller coaster of emotions. The humiliation and Embarrasement then the parent guilt thinking its your fault when I know I was a great mom and he did this to his self it just kills me. I dont get to see either of my grandsons who are now 7 and 4 because their mother totally turned her back on my son after his arrest and conviction. Ive tried to see them but she wont answer her phone or invite me to their school functions or birthday parties. My daughter is now 23 and she has a 3 year old little girl, my grandaughter. I love that little girl to death I do get to see her but not as much as I would like. In the past seven years since i left that first marriage, Ive had many jobs, bought my own house then almost lost it because i got fired from the best job i ended up as an office mgr. I was almost raped by my boss and I reported it so I was retaliated against, then my second x husband beat me up soon after we married, I am abused by him physically and verbally every day we have been in and out of the courts and I am ashamed to say I am stuck and dont know how to live by myself. I became ill after the sexual harrasment and losing my job and I am now on SSDI but its very little since ive only worked 7 years my entire adult life. I cant afford this house all my check goes to keep a roof over my head. I cant afford anything to buy my grandaughter a present, food, clothes a car etc... I am so angry all the time and I cant afford the maintenance of this house. But since its in my name only my x who lives with me wont help me do anything to the house, my daughter doesnt come around much, my son doesnt write. I cant help my children, grandchildren or myself, I feel like such a loser. I turned to vocational rehab to try and get a work from home job, my doctor recommends it since I have vertigo attacks daily, panic attacks, anxiety, severe depression, and its been 4 months and they still havent found me a job. Everyday I wake up just miserable, the only light I have is my three chihuahuas my dogs they are my children now and I love them with all my heart but I can not quit worrying circumstances are going to end up making lose them. Today the mail lady knocked down my mail post and ruined my mail box and post, and I have no money to fix it and I know this homeowners association is going to be angry with me over it. My care is 13 years old but paid for but it looks like crap, I just know im a loser ill never have anything and its only going to get worse and worse and I dont have any skills I have no clue how to support myself, Ive lost all my family members that used to always help me. my life has drastically changed thes past years and I am so angry at my first x husband for not making that marriage work out. Im so tired of feeling alone in every day life everything i do or have to deal with im so very lonely, my dogs are my only comfort the only love i get but im so scared im going to lose them, I live in fear all the time of everything. I tried to kill myself in 2004 I try not to think of it cause i can not hurt my daughter again. I am just so overwhelmed by the world and life and problems and money I have no hope for a descent future for my old age and my second x who lives with me is into porn and I hate it so much it makes me feel so inadequate and discusted! I feel old and ugly because he does that to me and he is always saying shut up calling me nasty names, yes he helps me out with money sometimes but i dont deserve what i get and I want love so bad it hurts. I am one miserable woman and I have no hope.