When I was 4 years old my depressed mother and father had a divorce. Naturally, I thought it was normal for everyone's parents' to get a divorce. Until the Christmas when I turned 5, when I knew something was wrong when my dad slept on the downstairs couch. I didn't believe in Santa anymore. When I was 7 my mom, brother and I moved in with my mom's physically and mentally abusive boyfriend. He had two older sons. I loved one of them with all my heart because he was so nice to me. The other one sexually abused me. All the while my mom's boyfriend was abusing her. He was mentally abused my little brother and I. He shouted at me every day to 'toughen up' because of a time when I got dust in my eye and started to cry. My little brother spent every day with him, since he wasn't old enough for school. I was made to think my dad caused all the bad things. He was continually shunned and i barely got to see him, even on my own birthday. I had nightmares my parents killed each other, every night. Apparently I screamed in my sleep, because I shouted "NO DADDY NO!". I guess this was enough cause for my mom to keep my father away from me even more, as they accused him of sexual abuse. Finally after 3 years, my mothers family rescued us one day due to her boyfriend cheating and being more abusive. So I was moved to a different school where I got a little more confidence. That was taken away from me in jr. high. I had no close friends, only acquaintances. That change a little in high school, where I git a really good friend. Throughout my first three years of high school i dated 4 people. I could trust none of them. None of them noticed how depressed I was. I tried killing myself after freshman year. My dad noticed my depression junior year, and I got help and medicine for it. Did I mention I have ADHD? Oh yeah, well apparently taking Concerta for most of my life helped me slip easily into depression. So as I was finally getting better during my third year something terrible happened. These kids that I babysat, and were attached to got killed by their father in a murder suicide. After the funeral, on the same day, I had to go to the animal hospital to put down my dog. He had bladder cancer and couldn't do his business, so his bladder would rupture. I was the one talking calmly to the nurse while my mom and brother sobbed their hearts out. I had to be the strong one. After that I got a little more help, and my dosage increased. I couldn't concentrate in school though, as I secretly stopped taking my ADHD meds. Senior year rolled around and it was going great. I had someone I loved, could trust, and was comfortable around. My mom was in a relationship with this great guy who she went to high school with. He had two sons who I got along well with. One of them became my friend. I looked up to him, even though I was two years older. December 3rd was a horrible day. He committed suicide. His letter didn't tell why. I still cry. He felt like an older brother to me. It made me unhappy that he was unhappy and I didn't know. I feel I should have known, still being a little depressed. I barely passed senior year. Sometimes I wish I was still depressed. That is the only time I ever wrote well. I sympathize with anyone and everyone whose written on this site. | |
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