Just finished high school and turning 19 in less than a month. I'm lucky I even passed because I was only 3 credits short from graduating with the bare minimum before my counselor discovered an error on my transcript that, once fixed, brought me up to a passing amount. I was once a studious straight A student until junior high hit and it all went downhill from there. Now I'm just a last-minute lazy ass.
My parents split when I was 9. My dad was a Navy Seal and wanted to raise us in a very strict manner, while my mom wanted kids to be kids and let us be more free-spirited. We all stayed with our mom and my dad eventually moved to the other side of the country and got remarried and had another kid. Not a single person on either side of our family speaks to him. It's almost as if he was never even a part of our lives now.
When I hit junior high, my mom met a new guy twice her age in a bar. An alcoholic buffoon whom she married for his money. While not physically abusive, it was mentally destructive to me and my other 3 siblings. For a year, 2 of us were with our mom and stepdad while the other 2 were with my dad and stepmom. We all ended up back at the house we had been in the majority of our lives, but one by one, our stepdad chipped us off again, starting with me. I ended up moving 200 miles away with my grandma and 2 of my other siblings have had to deal with similar turmoil.
The most devastating part of my life is the part that simply has too many details and side aspects for me to even want to get that deep into. I could go on and write a whole damn research paper on my relationship with my "ex-lover," but it's just too much to think about and I just...feel empty at this point. I've cried so many tears over my love that I simply have no more tears left to cry. I'll keep it simple and say that one of many problems included me being homeless with my lover for a couple weeks.
The ecomony does not look like it's gonna ever get better. I don't feel qualified to do a single thing because I just went through school fulfilling the bare mimimum and did not join any clubs. All I ever do now is sleep during the day, stay up all night, sit on my laptop, smoke, and visit friends, who are pretty much the only consolance I have now at this point. I know this is ultimately a self-motivational issue and only I can make things better for myself, but my problem is I simply wont. And not even for any particular reason. I suppose it's because I see nothing for myself in my future. I once saw a future with my lover and had it all planned out for us to get our own place and start a new life and family and be happy and thankful for such a wonderful life. It sounds so awfully cliche, but it really was the most beautiful thing to me. It's the only thing I could have ever asked for. If I could have just that, I would never be discontent again. Before we were together, I was just as lost as I am now. It's safe to say that I'm codependent when I once used to be very independent. But now that my lover is gone after so many trials, it's like all I ever wanted ended up in vain. My life is just as aimless now as it was over 2 years ago...it hurts to fall asleep without someone by my side and to be there to kiss when I wake up in the morning. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore... | |