LIFE SUCKS

Sucky

I am just tired. In reality, I probably have a pretty good life. I am skinny, which most girls crave, but I am a double AA at 19 years old. My hair refuses to grow past my nose and I am choco black. I am going natural because I cant afford to keep getting a perm, but I despise my hair so much that I cannot look into the mirror or move out the house when it is in an afro. My 27 almost 28 year old boyfriend still lives at his step-father's house and for the most part seems content living there forever unless I move in with him, in which then he will get an apartment...but only after I move in. I feel as though it is a set up for me to pay the majority of the rent. Not only that, but all while we are planning to move in together, he is asking for a break. which just confuses the hell out of me and makes me even more hesitant to move out of my mothers house.I HATE HATE HATE kids, but I work as an after school counselor because childcare jobs were the only ones to return my phone calls after half a year job hunting. They give me nightmares even though I only work 5 days in 2 weeks. In truth, I would prefer to spend most of my time sleeping, if not my whole existance because even though I rarely dream, I do not suffer in my sleep. When I am awake I am garunteed to suffer Not that anyone puts their hands on me, but just suffering in this life. I wake up and my first thought is "shyt...another day". even if I have nothing planned on the agenda. I know something is going to fuck up. When I am sad, I choose to go back to my parents house than to anyone else because my cat and 2 ferrets are better companions than any human I have ever met. Even my mother. I can talk to my animals and actually feel better with their whines and chirps. The words of comfort from people rarely soothe me and often have the exact opposite effect. I am upset around people, i am lonely. I hate everything and want nothing, yet how can anything improve if I have nothing to want. In the end I hate being awake and would be happy to sleep away my existance, but at some point the physical body gets restless and refuses to deliver me my heaven. Happiness in the form of silence and still.