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why me

Posted by kaitlyn at July 2, 2011
Tags: Addictions  Death  Health  2011 July

i had a good life, a great life..until I turned 21.

My dad died and I watched every single second of it. He was healthy and out of complete nowhere he died on Christmas morning.
My dad's death has completely ruined my life. People my age lose their grandparents and then they like to compare that to losing a parent. Um, nope. Losing a granparent can be emotionally upsetting but that's about it. Losing my dad impacted my life SO incredibly much. I now have to take care of my mom because she is severely depressed and since my dad did EVERYTHING, now everything is up to my mom and I.

I have a wide variety of very serious health issues, all for NO REASON. I have at least one doctor appointment a week. I could barely walk after my dad died for about 2 years. I have kidney disease (for no reason) have been in the emergency room countless times. I have high blood pressure...most likely from the grief of losing my dad since I am not overweight. I am in constant pain 24 hours a day.

I'm heavily addicted to narcotics and have been since my dad died, I am now 25 and take 85-100 mg of oxycodone a day plus hydromorphone. I have been on every single pain killer but a lot of them didn't help me. I'm about to lose my insurance, I can't imagine life without narcotics.


...I could go on and on and on. I lost my life when I lost my dad. I will never be married or have kids and that's all I want. Now all I am concerned about is getting through the day because of my horrible pain

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Comments:
By anonymous at 07,Aug,11 11:27

sounds like you need a positive person in your life ive been though a lot of shit but always remained positive sometimes life is a battle sometimes it never ends dont give up


By anonymous at 07,Aug,11 23:12

oh my, emotional and physical pain. whats better than that eh. i feel so sorry for you, be strong, dont give up and dont lose hope, God is not cruel, there must be something good waiting for you someday.


By anonymous at 11,Aug,11 12:27

I lost my dad too... I was 11...
now Im 19...
Im not gonna lie to you,
Some days I still feel like shit, but it is what it is.
I guess I'll always feel this emptiness inside...
but life goes on.
My dad was my hero, but even heroes can't beat death.


By anonymous at 11,Aug,11 21:41

I implore you to print out what you have written here and bring it to the emergency room. You sound like you are in serious danger of killing yourself. I speak from experience: with medication and/or talk therapy you CAN feel happiness one day. And if you kill yourself, you won't get a chance to feel happy and I guarantee you will absolutely devastate at least dozens of people, some that you would never even imagine would care, beyond all belief. they will carry the burden of the pain that you are feeling for a very very long time. the grief that you will leave them with will be the worst and most complex type. they will be wracked with guilt and questions and sadness that they weren't good enough to help you in your darkest hour. and when they aren't blaming themselves--this in the midst of a terrifying grief and shock due to your untimely death-they will start to blame others in an unfair way. If you can't get help for you-please do it if you give even the tiniest shit for anyone else.


By anonymous at 21,Aug,11 18:03

Please stop taking those pain killers, do whatever you can to stop, my husband just died 8 weeks ago today of an overdose of pain killers, he left me alone w 3 little kids. Please stop those things they are to dangerous and not worth your life.


By anonymous at 30,Aug,11 19:38

Pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you and He will


By anonymous at 30,Aug,11 19:38

Pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you and He will


By Thomas at 12,Sep,11 19:56

I know whatyu going through I watched y father as well my parens were devorcedat the time and my father ived in a traile He was diabetic. H eand ulcer on his foot and a cast as well on th same foot. He went shopping an dhe ws carring things in his souse and left keys insade and the wind blew the door shut and he got locked out so he tried go in though the window and the cast got stuck and couldn't estracate him self and he was the for five days and a coming to fill his propane tank found and theland lord ws called they called an ambulance and he 6 hours later in the hospital. I watch him die. when I came home I just sat in the dark. Folks were calling but I di not answer the phone. Iwant to be left alone for a while. I did talk to them the next day. I didn't make the pain go away.


By anonymous at 16,Jan,12 11:20

WhAt if your dad saw what you are now?hed wan you to go on
God needs his angel he's watching over you I lost him hen I was 12 life ended.but soon I thought he would have wanted me to go on.I did.even though it hurts everyday.


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By Chandrakant at 27,Mar,12 07:40

Natasha Posted on Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you are in pain, it's very very duclifift. Try to stay positive and move forward. Peace and blessings, Natasha


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