LIFE SUCKS

Why did my dream turn in to my nightmare?

My story started when I aspired to become an Officer in the Army. Not yet knowing what life was really like, how cruel and unforgiving it can be. So I had at it and got so close I could literally see myself living that life. My initial hopes were than dashed on the final selection board. Even after passing every test and meeting every standard, I was simply told, "you just don't have enough life experience".... well what the fuck? thanks for wasting my time.

Two years later I decided, no! I won't give up on this I'm going to be a soldier. So I did, I trained and got strong enough to join up. I was in! maybe not as an officer, but fuck I couldn't believe it I was IN!! after the 80 days of basic I was pumped, fit, lean and ready for anything, at least thats what I thought. And it was at that moment after I marched out, after feeling the biggest sense of pride and accomplishment in my life, that the dream, would begin to warp.

At this point I felt like I could not be beaten down, that I could withstand any and all challenges. I felt like men would have felt after winning a great victory. That place saw me shinning like a star and tore me down until I drowned. It took 12 months of humiliation, belittling, alienation, cruelty and finally betrayal before I broke....

My dream had turned pale and foreign, hateful and inhuman, dark and alone. That place become like a prison. I was invisible, I was unknown, just another good little soldier that kept his mouth shut. Others would make jokes, laugh and find their little ways of coping whether it be becoming a gym junky, drugging up and losing themselves in some fucked up world or simply drinking themselves into a stupa. I however, tried many things. I tried fitting in with people that I though I had things in common with but the more I spent with them the more fucked up or manipulating I found them to be. I'm not a hard person to get along with, but these... men, if you can call that, were just snakes always looking to strike when you were vulnerable, even at the slightest.

Oh I tried many times to change this, I didn't just give in, I fucking fought!!! I did everything in my power to change my position. I approached everybody who was meant to "care". All of them, every single one LIED. said they'd help, said they'd change something, one thing, but no. all false and filthy fucking frauds.

Until the things I had become a custom too, that would add cheer to my life, my car, my music, women, mates just became numbing... My life became grayer and grayer. I withdrew unto myself, tried to become self sufficient, relying only on my self, because I could only trust myself. I didn't want to quit, but my options were becoming slim. So I took it upon myself to approach a doctor. If your reading this you might think, thank fuck, but it wasnt the salvation I hoped it to be. In fact it was only a matter of weeks after this that I had reached my limit.

For two weeks I confessed, for two weeks I built trust only to be told "you'll just have to deal with it". at that point, I knew I had nothing. I slipped into a dark place, picking out that ones who had cause the most pain, who had stabbed me the most, who betrayed even the most minute amount of trust for personal gain. Wanting to exact my own form of brutal punishment, planning my revenge on these disgusting excuses for soldiers. they treated women as nothing, they had no idea of mate-ship, I they who had turned my dream into my nightmare.

What ever sense of self control I had left managed to convince my rage to subside. I constantly felt hate, I couldn't help it I wanted to hurt those responsible for so long but I couldn't bring myself to do it, cowardly? maybe, or maybe deep down I knew WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT!!! could I get away with it, no. So inside of killing them, I turned on myself.

In this state of mind, every things a struggle. getting up, completing tasks, remembering, thinking. I had built this wall between me and them, I guess for self preservation. but this wall also kept strong emotions and thoughts bottled up inside. So I guess my self destruction was set.

Then one day after work, I went back to the lines, put a chair in the middle of my small room and sat, looking down. I remember just staring at one strand of carpet for, I don't know how long. I felt nothing, every thought, every emotion every idea had left me, I felt utterly empty. A shell. I couldn't move. I had had all that I could take. I had never been so still, just locked into place. My eyes just streamed with tears but I made no sound. There were nights where I cried myself to sleep and cried out of anger and frustration, but this...
I considered ending myself with my knife first, but I forced it out of my hand and left my room. I headed to my car where I was approached by one of the degenerates who asked if I could take him into town, I had no interest in even acknowledging him I just got in my car and left. I made it to the on base medical center where I simply state " I've consider killing myself 3 times tonight, I need help please".

After that I was visited by a cocktail of superiors who asked why I never came forward, fuck I wanted to scream!!!! I had tried sir, I said, no body cared. I was later discharged. Never getting to be in combat, never getting to make mates for life, never experiencing what the Army should have been about. What I tasted, was my version hell. And still to this day only a handful of people know my story, the truth, the rest I bullshit too. Whats the point in telling them the truth I would only be alienated once more. So I lie. The mental scars I received I now know will never heal and that nightmare create something monstrous in me that I know still dwells with in. I can only hope that I will be truly happy someday.

Let me go, and plunge me into the dead spot again.... Corey Taylor.