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empty

Posted by sad at June 5, 2011
Tags: Attitude  Childhood  2011 June  Loneliness  Meaninglessness

I'm 33. Parents fought all through my childhood and were alcoholics. I don't remember many sober days with them, especially not with my dad. They never divorced because they were too lazy to, and I'm pretty sure when my dad went to jail for beating the shit out of my mom, my mom went crazy. I heard them fighting from my bed room and I came in to see him destroying her. I have never felt so much pain.
I think I am emotionless now... I have been through so much that nothing affects me, religion didn't work, I have no interests, I am a manager at a crappy store. I am barely making ends meet. I am fat and hideous. I have only had sex once. I look in the mirror and want to punch it in. I have one friend who ignores me a lot because I think I bore him. I see my mom occasionally but I think she has lost her mind and my dad died 2 years ago.
I am very alone. I think I just won't kill myself because I'm too much of a pussy to face the afterlife. There are so many different religions and possible hells I could endure if I killed myself... If I knew for a fact that your mind just stopped after death, I would have been dead a long time ago.
I also drink heavily. I promised myself I would never drink but things just got so bad that I knew anything other than being sober minded was good for me.

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Similar Entries:
Empty & Alone July 18, 2010
lonely, empty and dead all cuz of my parents August 17, 2011
Friends and Family May 1, 2012
a liitle boy September 10, 2010
Emptiness December 2, 2009


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Comments:
By anonymous at 03,Jul,11 12:27

As far as I know, being fat is a choice. It's a bitch. Who wants to be hungry. Not me, but I frequently don't eat when I want to...so I'm not fat. Alcohol...choice. Now, I don't mean to make is sound simple. It really does suck to be you. It sucks to be me to...but I can tell you that self-pity will get you nowhere. What you choose for yourself today has nothing to do with your mom and dad. It only has to do with your choices. Forgive yourself...it is a must. Be your only friend. Maybe you should leave your area and give yourself a fresh start...of course, you will be taking you with you. Ask what you can do for others. Volunteer if you're lonely, but don't do it for companionship...do it to help others. You haven't failed your purpose yet, and yes you will still be with yourself on the other side.


By anonymous at 09,Jul,11 13:14

I too had a bad childhood, I was abused physically and mentally, my mother tried to kill me. After I was diagnosed with cancer I went into psychotherapy and it really helped. In my area the hospitals have what is called "stress centers" a person can do out client services and they work with you on payment. It changed the course of my life. Don't beat yourself up it's not helpful. Really, get a therapist before one more day of misery brings you down! And before you say "I can't afford it" it's the best money I "ever" spent. Really! Drinking just covers up the misery it doesn't make it go away. I hope you can find love but you have to start loving yourself first. Best of luck!


By anonymous at 10,Jul,11 23:47

sucks big time, sober is my best friend. I love it.


By anonymous at 16,Jul,11 14:07

I strongly suggest you to go to a professional counselor. It will help you to get out from the state of suffering now you are in. why suffer when there are ways to get rid.so try it out.
Cheers & good luck !


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