i had a sheltered, western upbringing until about the age of 13. i live in australia currently, but i lived in the US for 12 years, ive travelled the world, ive been to 12 different schools and im only 16.
adjusting to all these moves became hard. kids at school knew me as a brain or a freak, i tried my best to fit in, but couldnt fit in anywhere. if i ever made a group of friends, they constantly bitched about me and ended up humiliating me in the end, if it wasn't that, i was eating my lunch alone in the bathrooms. i didn't understand, i am just like them, why do they pick on me?
when i moved to australia, i was thrown into a girls school. basically, i didnt fit in because i wanted to fit in so badly, i just wished someone could actually like me rather than what i was used to. girls started bitching about me, sometimes they'd harass me and i started having panic attacks at school. i left the school after a year. i moved to another school. i didnt bother trying to fit in at this one, that plan backfired too. i ended up having to eat my lunch under the stairs, avoiding everybody, praying that one day one of them might talk to me and accept me as a friend. that was until i met hallie. she was rebellious, funny, and interesting, but also had extreme problems, including a growing drug addiction. being both misfits, we got close.
hallie introduced me smoking cigarettes, drinking, smoking pot and LSD. i was excited and willing to take all of them considering it was making my new friend happy.
one day, hallie, her boyfriend, and i were all getting high in these tunnels, hallie went upstairs to get cigarettes. her boyfriend attacked me, ripping my clothes, hitting me and trying to stick his hand down my pants. i screamed and yelled and finally got him off me. i ran as fast as i could down the tunnels and then sat down and had a cry. he followed me and manipulated me into thinking that i seduced him and i cant tell anyone because thats not what friends do. this happened on a couple more occasions then i finally lost all connection with him.
hallie ended up leaving and going to tafe. i ended up going to an alternative school. we dont speak.
at this alternative school, i was very accepted. i smoked with all the older kids, wore leather jackets and big military boots and cut off all my hair. i was this wild girl, and everyone thought i was so glamorous and mysterious. sooner or later, after losing my virginity in a threesome and having a drunk rendezvous with one of my best friends brother, i ended up friendless again, only this time, people had a reason to hate me. i believed i shouldn't live anymore and took 20 sleeping pills. i went to hospital.
then i tried overdosing on panadol. i tried to convince my mum to let me stay home from school, but she didnt let me, and i ended up going to school with 15 panadol in me. i got woozy, eventually people noticed and ended up telling the teachers and making sure i was okay. i told them what happened. they went to my locker to get rid of the panadol and give me my things. they found 2 grams of weed in my locker. i was suspeneded. i was almost arrested. i was almost put into a mental hospital. i was lucky that i could manipulate the doctors into doing what i want.
eventually, i got better, but only with the crutch of alcohol and cigarettes. i was drinking a bottle of wine daily or a sixpack of beer before i went to school, smoking 40 cigarettes a day.
ive kept up this habit. i can't get off the cigarettes or alcohol. my grades have dropped, and i have no hope. if only i didnt meet the girl who started it all, i could maybe have a chance. my parents want to take me out of school on an apprenticeship. im such a smart girl, why cant i get myself out of this hell?
im so lonely. i dont wish i was dead, but some support from someone would be great right now. my parents are angry, i dont blame them, they had such high hopes for me. i have an IQ of over 145. technically, that means im a genius. i play multiple instruments. i just wish someone could support me please. |
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