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My story

Posted by chris at April 23, 2011
Tags: 2011 April  Death  Juvenile problems  Relationship

I hate my life. I'm 17 Utterly depressed and hopeless. 2 weeks ago my mom died from cancer, she struggled to fight it, she was 50. Now it's just me my dad and 2 younger bros in the house. I basically havto do the bitch work around the house, laundry, cleaning, etc. I first became depressed in 8th grade when I started smokIng weed alot while trying to distinguish myself in my new middleschool. All my life iv moved from continent to state to other state, and really never have been able to hold friends because of it. Which sucks because I'm an extremely amiable person who ends up befriending an entire school then kissing it goodbye a couple years later. Shortly after smoking weed I started smoking cigarettes. So thus became my addiction to weed and tobacco. One night my parents came into my room and saw me splitting my wrists trying to kill myself, it was my summer going into9th grade and I was done with my life. I was an emotional mess even though I had a supportive group of friends, and an extremely loving and compassionate gf. Through the support I received I pushed thru the difficult time. My parents found me a therapist which I attended 3 times. Then dropped. Now that my moms dead I think I'm going crazy. She kept everything in my life under control, to all you reading this: you will never understand how much your mother does for you until her life ceases... It's like a void. Recently I finally left an abusive relationship with a girl who literally mindfucked me. Being a rape victim she was extremely shaky and needy, and sensitive. She tours with my emotions and enjoyed seeing me squirm. Not to brag but every girl iv ever been with, whether were together or not now, thinks I'm a great guy. Sensitive, empathetic, funny, sexy- you could say I got lucky. Unfortunately this bitch was a 10/10and my sexualattraction kept me lusting for more and more. She tore me away from my friends, family, and hobbies. Threatening me with her self mutilation if I didnt comply. This year alone I feel like a different person just cuz of the grief she has bestowed upon me. Me and my 15 year old brother are serious drug addicts. We both smoke weed multiple times a day, and I occasionally branch out and do Oxys and ecstasy while frequently snorting speed to try and stay lively and keep up my social status. My other little brother whose a 6th grader recently realized that me and my bro are stoners and is horrified. He worries everyday that were not gonna make it, and is already consumed with hopelessness after watching my moms transformation from supermom to a corpse worthy of aushwitz corpse comparison. Since my moms death my dad has lost his faith, one thing he always used to have. He now Is a somber man, who never eats or sleeps, cretins because he worries that his sons will not make it through this world. Im a jr in highschool now. I have all A's yet cut so many classes to smoke or party with friends that I may not graduate, I'm so smart and it all comes so easily to me. The fact I might have fucked myself over cuz of addiction makes me wana scream! Recently iv been partying my nights away drowning out my sorrow. My friends think I'm so strong and such a good person, helping ppl, being friendly. Sometimes they call me christian brother cuz I'm "good". But beneath this demeanor I am a hopelessly lost teenage boy who is juggling fencing on a state level, alcohol, marijuana, and pill addictions. While trying to hold my brothers together in this brutal time. Its funny because the people who laugh the most usually feel like crying on the inside. I rarely cry, A's a boy I only remember crying once; in Africa as I was choking this kid on the ground because he decapitated a baby duckling. A's a teenager iv wept only a handful of times, and all seem to b recent. U wud never know I wrote this if you saw me on the street. Perfect smile, lightly tanned white skin, and sagging jeans with nikes. But everyone has a story, and mines taking a turn for the worst. If I can't support my brothers and strt fighting with my dad then he's going to beat me like he did the couple times my mom wasn't around. I fear for my littlest brothers safety. As a handsome guy I have developed an insatiable lust from my last gf and I am such a sex addict. Yet sex isn't what I need right now, it's a motherly touch and a hug. And even though I get tons of those everyday I feel so empty. Underneath my calm collected exterior lies a sophisticated analytical boy trying to figure life out at the most omnipotence time. But not everything Is underneath, all the scars that tear across my chest and biceps from cutting myself apart are visible whenever I take my shirt off. The thing I really need is a cute, compassionate, cheery new gf who can hold my hand and help me through this hell. Alas where I live in jersey lacks anything of that sort. I would turn myself to prayer but I was kicked out of church on false accusations of sexual bullying... And I never liked the church A's an institution. So here I lay in my buddies bed. Partied all night, didn't get layed, smoked mad blintz and shit on the tables in root. Its4am and my friends dad is out so I'm crashing here, when I stunned onthis site. So I decided to write about me, not cuz anyone will remember this, but because of therapeutic reasons. I just wish ppl new how lucky they are. My life was turned upside down in a week. One week for the cancer to form and takeover my moms entire body. Now I have nothing. No money. No control over my addiction. No energy to succeed. No hope. No love. No family unity. all I want to do Is see my dad happy, my brothers to grow up popular and successful, to get into a good college for art and division 1 NCAA fencing. But now Idk if any of that's possible. Spring breaks almost over, and when school starts again I can either get ontop of everything, or continue to fuck my life up more. I need to succeed, and the pressures on. I know my moms dead, but I wish I could live the life she wanted me too. Goddamn it's rough when the last thing your mom tells u before she dies is "your a bad kid". Just because I use drugs doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not dumb either. I lived in Cali, Africa, Poland and now new jersey. Iv been aroundand miss my friends everywhere. Iv been rambling for a while now, iv never put my cell# up online b4 but any support or if u just WANs talk9738655847because an encouraging word wud mean alot to me every once in a while. I'm sorry for any typos or words joined together. 5am and I'm still fucked up. Well I'm out, time to try and take control of my life for once-Chris


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New Comment

By anonymous at 02,May,11 09:46

We all have our own trials, and you need to figure out what yours is and what you need to overcome it, through practice and constant reflection.

I always think of movies like Circle of Iron and others that refer to life as a journey of introspection, obstacles, and overcoming illusions.

By at 03,May,11 13:25

Try to make your mom proud by remembering what she said and becoming a better kid. It's bad now, but if you can fight this addiction and sorrow and beat it, that would be a greatest tribute to her. This could be the turning point for your life, try to think of it as an opportunity to take charge of your life.

By anonymous at 04,May,11 00:06

You need to get off of speed man. Now. That shit fucks you up. Drop that and ecstasy. Ecstasy is bad, but speed is a poison that is currently devouring your brain. Stop yourself. It will destroy you, and probably already is.

I hope you read this and put down the drugs, if not for some random stranger online, then for your little brother damn it. He lost his mom, do you think he should lose his older brother too? Because what your putting into your system now is tearing you away from him. I know its addicting and right now you probably want to do some. But keep it away from you. Imagine that every bit of it you take is pulling you away from the brother that needs you, BECAUSE IT IS. No drug is worse than speed. Nothing can ruin you faster. You can't keep using it.

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