i know. its horrible.there is no god. do any of you know wat i feel. knowing thre is only a cold blackness after death. not being able to move, breath...feel. im so afraid...of death. i get this feeling of absolute dread every time i think about it. im so jelous of all you ignorant fuckers who dont know. does anyone else know about 'the truth,' please if you do please tell me i need to know if im not the only one. i wouldve commited suicide by now if i didnt know...taken the easy way out but i cant bring myself to do it
fuck im only fucking 15 and i know. well my life hasnt been peachy. lets see im teased in school. i was bullied non stop in junior school. but i was always a,loner. noone ever wanted to hang out with me... i was that kid that spent all his life in his fucking bedroom playing with his toys... alone. my father never loved me. he never played with me. rather worked... WHO THE FUCK WOULD RATHER WORK THAN PLAY WITH HIS FUCKING SON? my nother never cared for me so i ingnored her then she is telling me that im too quiet and i need to start being a good kid. FUCK YOU MA. i also hallucinate ... i see creatures. i keep hearing my name being called out to me .... whispering in my ear. my name 'julian'.
i have also developed a drinking problem . every day i go home i take a gulp of vodka.... keeps me going. i have never admited this but i cry every night. i have also develpoed some moments where i go into a world where i have a mother that loves me and a father that hugs me. i also love rock music which everyone else hates here.i need help. i know i do but i cant bring myself to do anything. i just cannt. hurt today cry tomorrow. something traumatic happened to me as a child.i have a bad stutter and that just made things worse. idont know wat to do. but all these problems are small. compared to the truth. i would give anthying not to know. but im only scratching the surface. if you want to know more tell me. | |
Yes life can suck. I'm not going to try to give you some simple answer to making life suck less, life is not a sitcom with some happy resolution at the end of half an hr. I do think you might want to reexamine your presupposition That there is no god, may be try to talk to god and ask him to revile him self to you. You should drop the booze for sure if your prone to depression to began with taking a downer like vodka will make it worse.
You sound like a smart kid so you realize we are all imperfect human beings. Your parents are human. Your dad does what he feels is best to provide for you & your mom is most likely worried & just doesn't know how to handle it. Try to think beyond what you hear them say or see them do. Do they have bad intentions or are they just going about it the wrong way?
Please don't let yourself sink into such a dark place & please don't take every comment you see here to heart. It's a crazy world with a lot of sad people, but you are valuable.
You are 15 years old. You have so many wonderful things to do in your life, but in your current state of mind you can't see that. I have struggled with depression throughout my life and have contemplated suicide throughout my life. But the bad passes and good always returns. I find the difference between happy and sad people is how they deal with disappointment. I had a very disappointing family life myself. But as an adult, I have been able to choose friends who have become like family. You still have the chance to be happy in your life. I have made it to fifty, and for the most part I am happy. But there were many times throughout my life when I felt like you. I am concerned about the hallucinations and voices and think you may want to see a doctor as some well prescribed medicine may work much better than alcohol. May God bless you Julian.
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