my life just sucks, i thought i could draw and write and stuff but every time i do something i like theres ppl just say its no good and i started cutting myself on my left wrist and i cuoldnt stop and every day i need to cut deeper to feel more pain. And i deserve the pain and 2 days ago i broke my ankle and my dad said i deserved it and that i was ruining his vacation. he doesn't even have to go to work, he works from a computer. and when i go to school everyone just shuts uyp and ignores me when im there..and i feel like such a shit because i can't do anything, just use a knife and if anyone ever found out that would be the end.
I get Bs and acouple of Cs but no my parents expect me to get straight As, and everytime i get a bad mark on somethiing they tell me i can't keep going to that school. My dad especially threatens me and he used to have a temper and hit me, I mean when i was little he used to spank me if anything bad happened, if he had the slightest excuse that I had done anything wrong.even complai that i was hungry when i was 5. and now I feel like i'm going nowhere and my dreamto be an artist is never going to happen. whatever i do i dont want to turn out like my dad. though i am a girl.
And no one wants to talk to me because i am all "quiet" though i really cant talk, because then they'd know. whats going on.and i broke my ankle and i have to find a way to get to school in a week when it starts again and they wont help me my parents just told me to deal with it and i feel like shit. i just cant seem to do anything, i cant write or draw and if i dont make an amazing drawing whenever the situat8on calls for it like in art class, they get all mad.i am not a superfuckingartistwoman. it makes me sick how they can act like nothing is wrong, and expect me to do everything for thenm when they snap their fingers.
and my dad is a fat ass who only felt bad that i broke my ankle becaues it was "ruining his vacation." i now have 13 scars in my left wrist and i just pinch the skin till it bleeds if i dont have a knife. and i cant even walk. i keep eating because it helps but I cant make myself throw it up, so i get fatter. AND WHEN i go back to school, im not allowed to use the computer OR the tv or my iPod (which stopped working) or my cellphone AS usual. i just hate it, everything is shit i mean i can just sit here with my broken ankle while my dad scratches himeslf. i hate it, i can't do anything, i can't do anything except slice my wrist open. and thats the back of the wrist not the inner part, because it takes longer to make a scar so there is more longlasting pain that way.
i know my ankle will heal but it will just be like this for the rest of my life. I am sick and fed up with mself and i cringe everytime i look into a mirror because of the hideous of my right side of my face. i cant even talk to someone normally. i cant even carry on a conversation. i am fucked up. im kidding myself if i think i can draw or write, because i thought i could and some ppl told me and that's what ive been doing all my life, drawing, and now i just can't do anything good enough. the song "sick fuck" by unter null is what i am, i am a sick fuck, because i have to act normal while everyone else in my school swings their Juicy couture purses or coats or WHAatever and i dont care about stuff like that. i really dont..everywhere i go i am shot down by ppls opinions they just look at me funny. I think small children are frightened of a stupid ass ugly bitch like i am. and adults laugh at me. i am a freak and i am sick and fucked up. my life is shit and i dont want to die, i just want to cut my wrist (the outside of it) and nothing ever helps.nothing. it is so dark and cold and love doesnt happen for people like me. | |
There are parents in this world who just push tooooo hard. getting straight A's doesnt make you perfect or better. Your parents are pushing you down for things they should be proud of. they should stand by you no matter what instead of telling you that your grades are nothing if they arent A's. Don't LISTEN to crap like that! your parents are just very, very lousy parents who obviously need parenting lessons. If you want to be a painter, then be one. who said you couldnt achieve this? who said its impossible? yea it may be difficult to get in and achieve but the harder you work, the bigger chance you'll make it. What other choice do you have? unless you just want to settle for something else that you know you wont enjoy.
People probably don't want to talk to you because youre so depressed and down all the time. and the whole "quiet" thing does have something to do with it, becuase if youre quiet all the time, people will think that you dont want to be bothered. If your parents arent giving you the medical attention you need for that ankle, Go to the princpal or councilor, tell them your problems at home and they will surely get invovled. you belong under the protection of the law instead of being with parents who don't give a crap about you.
as for the last paragraph, go back and read it. if this is what you do to yourself, then you may as well get use to your life being this way. nobody else can give you happiness but yourself.
I am only trying to make you understand why it is this way for me, because you say its ridiculous. its like a drug, whenever i feel angry i go for the knife. Its a personal thing and you don't have to judge me for it. because the scars (cuts?) on my wrist are me, how i feel. there is no other way to express it. And if i get very pissed i cant even feel the pain, or i deserve it. Of course it is pain, i am no a masochist. (sp) But what do u do when you are feeling down. some ppl binge, some people listen to music. i cut, and the scars are fine, if I cant hold onto that i have nothing to hold onto.
I am no asking you to understand. but however i do appreciate your words about following my dream of writing and painting..but you cannot tell me i can give myself happiness.
When i was 14 years old, i started drawing because i REALLY want to be a fashion designer, but then i had a very terrible year, my hopes went down and i tore all my drawings because i didnt think i could do it. At age 22, somebody really made me open my eyes and warned me that i should always chase my dreams or i will regret it. Before i was only going to SETTLE for Journalism in college, but thank God someone caught me before i wasted time and money on the wrong degree. I bought a drawing book, some color pencils and other stuff and i started drawing. Now i'm in my second drawing book and i changed my major to a double major, General business and Fine Arts.
Listen, yes there are MANY millions of times where i feel i can't do it, i compare myself to other drawings and look at it with disgust, but i do it anyway becuase this is the oNLY thing i want to be in life, so what other choice do i have besides being a Mcdonald's cashier for the rest of my life? i don't want that at all. i will do whatever it takes to start my own business and be my own boss. its just going to take a dain lotta work. Don't let your feelings get your down becuase thats all they are, are feelings that are temporary and you wake up the next day with new feelings.
And when i'm feeling down about my drawings, i remind myself that there is always help out there. there are websites, classes, books and computers programs that will help you enhance your talents. i want to learn photoshop one day, and other beautiful programs that help me design graphics and other beautiful designs. but until then i'm just going to draw my heart away.
Do NOT listen to people, they do not know you and they have no right to judge what you can and can't do. you are VERY, VERY young, i know school is painful, becuase it was for me. i use to write death letters to myself because i hated it THAT much. i was bullied, there were rumors spread around me that SCARED me. but i survived and i'm a sophemore in college now. ALl i can tell you is to survive!!!!! and understand that there are many people in your shoes.
Try to stay away from your parents so they can avoid saying mean stuff about you or getting mad. remind yourself that this wont be forever, you will only be with your parents until a certain age and then you are as free as a bird to spread your wings when you are 18. this is ONLY temporary.
SORRY
It doesn't help to get angry at someone who's suffering you dolt.
I don't want to cut myself when I'm sad, but hell the idea of ending it all sometimes feels good to me too.
I'd say find help to acknoledge your pain and hurt. It doesn't go away with more pain, and I don't think anyone deserves to be punished.
I'm not going to tell you what to do, everyone's going to find a way to deal that feel suitable to themselves. I would suggest recieving help though.
I never would have thought myself the kind of person to go and get therapy, but now that I am going it feels like it is the only thing keeping me together.
Shit happens and we need someone to hear how we feel, not tell us we're wrong. It helps when a therapist just LISTENS. Best of luck friend.
you only life once
i think about killing myself
People trolling or ignoring me. Putting obstacles in my way.
I wished that I am not dependent on other humans, but this is nearly not possible on this bloody Planet.
I am trying to move forward, release me from there chains, but for every hard-earned step forward the are pushing me two steps back. I can only feel wrath for this society, for this humanity, for this life.
You have to corrupt yourself, being an asshole to stay in this society and not becoming pushed around.
I am totally through. With everything.
My name is George and I'd like to know if you would have some interest to have your website here at lifesucksbigtime.com promoted as a resource on our blog georgemartjr.com ?
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Thanks,
George
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