my life just sucks, i thought i could draw and write and stuff but every time i do something i like theres ppl just say its no good and i started cutting myself on my left wrist and i cuoldnt stop and every day i need to cut deeper to feel more pain. And i deserve the pain and 2 days ago i broke my ankle and my dad said i deserved it and that i was ruining his vacation. he doesn't even have to go to work, he works from a computer. and when i go to school everyone just shuts uyp and ignores me when im there..and i feel like such a shit because i can't do anything, just use a knife and if anyone ever found out that would be the end.
I get Bs and acouple of Cs but no my parents expect me to get straight As, and everytime i get a bad mark on somethiing they tell me i can't keep going to that school. My dad especially threatens me and he used to have a temper and hit me, I mean when i was little he used to spank me if anything bad happened, if he had the slightest excuse that I had done anything wrong.even complai that i was hungry when i was 5. and now I feel like i'm going nowhere and my dreamto be an artist is never going to happen. whatever i do i dont want to turn out like my dad. though i am a girl.
And no one wants to talk to me because i am all "quiet" though i really cant talk, because then they'd know. whats going on.and i broke my ankle and i have to find a way to get to school in a week when it starts again and they wont help me my parents just told me to deal with it and i feel like shit. i just cant seem to do anything, i cant write or draw and if i dont make an amazing drawing whenever the situat8on calls for it like in art class, they get all mad.i am not a superfuckingartistwoman. it makes me sick how they can act like nothing is wrong, and expect me to do everything for thenm when they snap their fingers.
and my dad is a fat ass who only felt bad that i broke my ankle becaues it was "ruining his vacation." i now have 13 scars in my left wrist and i just pinch the skin till it bleeds if i dont have a knife. and i cant even walk. i keep eating because it helps but I cant make myself throw it up, so i get fatter. AND WHEN i go back to school, im not allowed to use the computer OR the tv or my iPod (which stopped working) or my cellphone AS usual. i just hate it, everything is shit i mean i can just sit here with my broken ankle while my dad scratches himeslf. i hate it, i can't do anything, i can't do anything except slice my wrist open. and thats the back of the wrist not the inner part, because it takes longer to make a scar so there is more longlasting pain that way.
i know my ankle will heal but it will just be like this for the rest of my life. I am sick and fed up with mself and i cringe everytime i look into a mirror because of the hideous of my right side of my face. i cant even talk to someone normally. i cant even carry on a conversation. i am fucked up. im kidding myself if i think i can draw or write, because i thought i could and some ppl told me and that's what ive been doing all my life, drawing, and now i just can't do anything good enough. the song "sick fuck" by unter null is what i am, i am a sick fuck, because i have to act normal while everyone else in my school swings their Juicy couture purses or coats or WHAatever and i dont care about stuff like that. i really dont..everywhere i go i am shot down by ppls opinions they just look at me funny. I think small children are frightened of a stupid ass ugly bitch like i am. and adults laugh at me. i am a freak and i am sick and fucked up. my life is shit and i dont want to die, i just want to cut my wrist (the outside of it) and nothing ever helps.nothing. it is so dark and cold and love doesnt happen for people like me. |
There are parents in this world who just push tooooo hard. getting straight A's doesnt make you perfect or better. Your parents are pushing you down for things they should be proud of. they should stand by you no matter what instead of telling you that your grades are nothing if they arent A's. Don't LISTEN to crap like that! your parents are just very, very lousy parents who obviously need parenting lessons. If you want to be a painter, then be one. who said you couldnt achieve this? who said its impossible? yea it may be difficult to get in and achieve but the harder you work, the bigger chance you'll make it. What other choice do you have? unless you just want to settle for something else that you know you wont enjoy.
People probably don't want to talk to you because youre so depressed and down all the time. and the whole "quiet" thing does have something to do with it, becuase if youre quiet all the time, people will think that you dont want to be bothered. If your parents arent giving you the medical attention you need for that ankle, Go to the princpal or councilor, tell them your problems at home and they will surely get invovled. you belong under the protection of the law instead of being with parents who don't give a crap about you.
as for the last paragraph, go back and read it. if this is what you do to yourself, then you may as well get use to your life being this way. nobody else can give you happiness but yourself.
I am only trying to make you understand why it is this way for me, because you say its ridiculous. its like a drug, whenever i feel angry i go for the knife. Its a personal thing and you don't have to judge me for it. because the scars (cuts?) on my wrist are me, how i feel. there is no other way to express it. And if i get very pissed i cant even feel the pain, or i deserve it. Of course it is pain, i am no a masochist. (sp) But what do u do when you are feeling down. some ppl binge, some people listen to music. i cut, and the scars are fine, if I cant hold onto that i have nothing to hold onto.
I am no asking you to understand. but however i do appreciate your words about following my dream of writing and painting..but you cannot tell me i can give myself happiness.
When i was 14 years old, i started drawing because i REALLY want to be a fashion designer, but then i had a very terrible year, my hopes went down and i tore all my drawings because i didnt think i could do it. At age 22, somebody really made me open my eyes and warned me that i should always chase my dreams or i will regret it. Before i was only going to SETTLE for Journalism in college, but thank God someone caught me before i wasted time and money on the wrong degree. I bought a drawing book, some color pencils and other stuff and i started drawing. Now i'm in my second drawing book and i changed my major to a double major, General business and Fine Arts.
Listen, yes there are MANY millions of times where i feel i can't do it, i compare myself to other drawings and look at it with disgust, but i do it anyway becuase this is the oNLY thing i want to be in life, so what other choice do i have besides being a Mcdonald's cashier for the rest of my life? i don't want that at all. i will do whatever it takes to start my own business and be my own boss. its just going to take a dain lotta work. Don't let your feelings get your down becuase thats all they are, are feelings that are temporary and you wake up the next day with new feelings.
And when i'm feeling down about my drawings, i remind myself that there is always help out there. there are websites, classes, books and computers programs that will help you enhance your talents. i want to learn photoshop one day, and other beautiful programs that help me design graphics and other beautiful designs. but until then i'm just going to draw my heart away.
Do NOT listen to people, they do not know you and they have no right to judge what you can and can't do. you are VERY, VERY young, i know school is painful, becuase it was for me. i use to write death letters to myself because i hated it THAT much. i was bullied, there were rumors spread around me that SCARED me. but i survived and i'm a sophemore in college now. ALl i can tell you is to survive!!!!! and understand that there are many people in your shoes.
Try to stay away from your parents so they can avoid saying mean stuff about you or getting mad. remind yourself that this wont be forever, you will only be with your parents until a certain age and then you are as free as a bird to spread your wings when you are 18. this is ONLY temporary.
SORRY
It doesn't help to get angry at someone who's suffering you dolt.
I don't want to cut myself when I'm sad, but hell the idea of ending it all sometimes feels good to me too.
I'd say find help to acknoledge your pain and hurt. It doesn't go away with more pain, and I don't think anyone deserves to be punished.
I'm not going to tell you what to do, everyone's going to find a way to deal that feel suitable to themselves. I would suggest recieving help though.
I never would have thought myself the kind of person to go and get therapy, but now that I am going it feels like it is the only thing keeping me together.
Shit happens and we need someone to hear how we feel, not tell us we're wrong. It helps when a therapist just LISTENS. Best of luck friend.
MEANING,FUCK THEM BACK HARDER,TO MAKE THINGS EQUAL,AND IN ALL
OF LIFE THERE NEEDS TO BE A BALANCE,SO GO AND KICKS SOME SHIT
BACK,IN THE FACES OF THE BASTARDS WHO HAVE KICKED YOU.
what we learn we only understand what we hear and experierence if we hear somthing do we interprute it as our experences or do we just subconsciouslywhathear or experience chicken or the egg therory ...
what we hear growing up we retain in our subscious, we play our role out in life in an illusion whats real and what is what we believe is truth have to ascertain which is what we have heard accept it or transend into our subconscious mind or dredge up the conscious mind to try and understand what lifeis tring to give us tell this is the conundrum what are your thoughts
And yeah don't cut urself. cut someone else.. kill someone... maybe ur father.
Seriously, respect to the Apple/Sony employee.
I've a long way to go, but life is all about:
The thoughts in your head control what you do and how you see life. If life is shit then it means you are thinking thoughts that
1. Don't help you.
2. Don't get you where you want to be/ go.
...and guess what? No one controls your thoughts but you!
With negativity around it can be hard just to survive/believe in better. Getting rid of it can be *very* difficult and make life harder - but is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it.
Everyone the world sucks up to used to be told they were shit. It goes with the territory.
Life isn't shit but it can be hard sometimes, even often. I hope that you are in a better place from when you first posted. I can relate to the family and the study but you wont be at home forever or at school. Things will change there will be good and bad times but the key is to see it all as "lifes rich tapestry". Be stoic when it's tough and enjoy (and remember) the good times.
Good luck
However, it is in the details. The Asian thing, I mean.
I'm 49 years old, no job, I have diabetis, my wife is ill and can't work. I haven't found a job for over 2 years, I rent a room in someones apartment, my brother is dying of cancer, my father was an abusive ass hole drunk who never was around, he would go to TJ and spend his pay check on hookers and booze.
My mother is bipolar, my fathers' sons from a previous marraige came to live with us when I was a kid, they abused me, my sisters and my mother. My father didn't want to believe his sons would do something that evil but they did.
We were the only Mexican family in an all white nieghborhood and wow did we suffer discrimination like in a movie, one day these white bullies poured flour all over my little sister and said now you're white now you belong in this nieghborhood. Another time this bully grabbed me from the back of my head and through me head first into the corner of a building and broke my glasses/
I got married when I was 17, had three kids so I got 3 jobs to support them. One fulltime job and two part-time jobs. I couched all 3 of my kids soccer teams.
My wife cheated on me allot, I divorced her after so many times because I couldn't take it any more, I didn't tell my kids the truth because I didn't want them to get messed up in the head about their mother being a whore. So to this day they don't know the truth and don't talk to me after 16 years. I have nothing, no money, no home, no family, bad health, no job! Nothing! I have never hurt myself, never tried to kill myself, never stold.
I can tell you that since I was born until this day my life has been a living nightmare most of my life. I have never blaimed God, my point to all of you is this, when you look at your life when it's bad keep this in mind!!
There is always someone else who has life either better or worst than you! Keep strong, don't give in to all the haters and hate aka satan. Or people who are full evil like allot of the idiots who have commented on here!! No one but has to walk in your shoes, no feels what you feel, no one has the scars and memories that you have.
Life has made me a very hard person, but I keep it real, I don't hate, I'm glad for those that have what I don't have. Believe me, I welcome death when it comes, I wish it, I only worry about my wife and what will happen to her.
God is very real and so is satan!! It doesn't matter if people believe it or not because one day we will all be judged by him.
When you get dowm, please remeber me and cowboy up!! fight back, kick the devil in the ass by keeping your head up and take it a day at a time, put one foot in front of the other!! Got on your knees and the Jesus for what you do have and give him your problems. When you feel like hurting yourself or ass holes are talking shit, that's the devil trying to bring you down, so laugh and don't give in.
I hope this helps someone!!
Please just read this if you feel like the world is upside down and everything is going wrong in your life.
I'm 49 years old, no job, I have diabetis, my wife is ill and can't work. I haven't found a job for over 2 years, I rent a room in someones apartment, my brother is dying of cancer, my father was an abusive ass hole drunk who never was around, he would go to TJ and spend his pay check on hookers and booze.
My mother is bipolar, my fathers' sons from a previous marraige came to live with us when I was a kid, they abused me, my sisters and my mother. My father didn't want to believe his sons would do something that evil but they did.
We were the only Mexican family in an all white nieghborhood and wow did we suffer discrimination like in a movie, one day these white bullies poured flour all over my little sister and said now you're white now you belong in this nieghborhood. Another time this bully grabbed me from the back of my head and threw me head first into the corner of a building and broke my glasses.
I got married when I was 17, had three kids so I got 3 jobs to support them. One full-time job and two part-time jobs. I couched all 3 of my kids soccer teams.
My ex-wife cheated on me allot, I divorced her after so many times because I couldn't take it any more, I didn't tell my kids the truth because I didn't want them to get messed up in the head about their mother being a whore. So to this day they don't know the truth and don't talk to me after 16 years. I have nothing, no money, no home, no family, bad health, no job! Nothing! I have never hurt myself, never tried to kill myself, never stold.
I can tell you that since I was born until this day my life has been a living nightmare most of my life. I have never blaimed God, my point to all of you is this, when you look at your life when it's bad keep this in mind!!
There is always someone else who has life either better or worst than you! Keep strong, don't give in to all the haters and hate aka satan. Or people who are full evil like allot of the idiots who have commented on here!! No one but you has to walk in your shoes, no one feels what you feel, no one has the scars and memories that you have.
Life has made me a very hard person, but I keep it real, I don't hate, I'm glad for those that have what I don't have. Believe me, I welcome death when it comes, I wish it, I only worry about my wife and what will happen to her.
God is very real and so is satan!! It doesn't matter if people believe it or not because one day we will all be judged by him.
When you get dowm, please remeber me and cowboy up!! fight back, kick the devil in the ass by keeping your head up and take it a day at a time, put one foot in front of the other!! Get on your knees and thank Jesus for what you do have and give him your problems. When you feel like hurting yourself or ass holes are talking shit, that's the devil trying to bring you down, so laugh and don't give in.
God gave you life because you're worth allot you really are!! When you feel down and worthless it's bullshit don't believe that shit it's the devil trying to get in your head!! Stay strong my friends!!
I hope this helps someone!!
Don't hate, that's the devil's gig, I don't think he needs any help. He has enough hate and haters to go around.
Don't hate, that's the devil's gig, I don't think he needs any help. He has enough hate and haters to go around.
One day we will be kneeled before God and we each will answer for our own crap so let's not worry and criticise about other peoples bullshit.
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