i am almost 50 years old. i was married for about four years, until 2003, although we separated in 2001. I met my ex-wife when I was in my late 20s. I am good looking, good sense of humor, very intelligent, but probably both too sensitive and not "alpha-male confident" enough, but the fact is that since my ex-wife, not a single woman has agreed to go on a date with me. That is over 20 years ago. It's not for lack of trying--I have tried everything, most especially including a series of 5 or 6 women with whom i have developed what seemed like promising relationships, only to die the minute i suggested going on a date. two of them had been very sexually forward with me, but the minute i suggested the feelings might have been returned, they both stopped talking to me permanently. i don't have the strength or will to fall in love again. just the other day i was walking my dog in a park and a beautiful woman came up to me and our dogs started playing. she was being very flirtatious, was very pretty, is in her mid-late 30s (& i look a lot younger than I am, or so I am told). she offered herself that she really wanted to get together, talking about many parts of life, asking my full name & repeating it, relationship status (all stuff that's pretty unusual just bumping into someone in the park with a dog), etc. i got my hopes up again. sure enough, what seemed like flirting to me was something else to her. at least that's how it seems based on the two brief emails i sent to her and the one i got back, which said she "really wanted to keep in touch" and wanted to "get together soon" but that her "schedule is busy and unpredictable at the moment." yes, i've been on that schedule before.
I look at pretty girls and even at pornography and for several years now all I can think is: never again. sex and love are things for other people, but not for me. i can't bear to go to any movies with pretty women and romance in them any more, because they are like knives in my heart.
i don't know why it is. my ex-wife is one of my best friends and several of the woman I have been in love with still like me (and probably had some romantic feelings for me, but just some). but my life has become a nightmare that I used to have when I was a child: no family, no partner, no wife, no sex, no children, no reason to get up in the morning. almost 50 years old. if it wasn't for my dog and the thought of what it would do to my father and my ex-wife and a few other friends (none of whom live in the same city I do, or anywhere nearby), I'd already have jumped off a bridge.
i can decide to hang in there, but i know that the same thing will happen again. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's become the truth: there is something undefinable wrong with me and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I will never touch or be touched by a woman again. and the rest of life just seems a pale shell with that belief. how will i handle being 60, 70, 80 alone, when even at 50 the only women who interest me at all can do much better than me? | |
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