LIFE SUCKS

How my above average lifestyle hit the shitter in a flash

Hi, Im Brian. For the sake that I dont give a fuck about my life anymore and just want to post this immediately, forgive my spelling/grammatical errors. My childhood was very good, couple mishaps here and there, just like everyone else. I have 1 brother, and he's always been a fucking asshole to me. Only once he matured at age 22 did he stop being such a fucking prick. The biggest scar he has left on me is that when we were young he would always fake like he was gonna punch me or throw me into a wall or some destructive shit like that, and sometimes he'd actually do it (most of the time). It got to the point where everytime I'd see him move quickly I would flinch like a crazed motherfucker. Well, now this trait has carried over even when I am now 19, and anytime someone happens to even move inside my personal "bubble", I like to call it, more like my personal space, COMPLETELY SUBCONSCIOUSLY I cannot help flinching. This isn't a normal flinch, either my head or me entire body will turn or abruptly move out of the way of that person as if they are about to punch me wherever. Everyone notices it and they think Im a pussy of some sort. Frankly I'm 6'6" so I'm far from a pussy. I just want to put my foot through the kid's jaw who thinks its funny that I LITERALLY cannot prevent myself from flinching, even if I focus my entire mind on not doing it. That's just one thing. I always got bullied at school and thus was always very emotional. In 6th grade everyone in my grade were assholes and just couldnt leave me alone. They thought I was too awkward cause I was so tall and so skinny. So my parents forcibly moved me to a private school at 7th grade. there i somehow made friends with all the popular kids, (proof that I'm not some weird ass who can't be cool or nice) and then some shit went down that will forever be remembered as TOTAL BULLSHIT to me. In a nutshell, I was sitting at the lunch table with all my friends, including the one and only black kid who RARELY chilled with us. I was joking around about how much we all hated the female math teacher, and said that next time one of us goes to fill up her water bottle, they should dump some laxative in it, as a joke. I didn't mean it at all, we all cracked up after and that was it...no one said anything more and honestly I completely forgot about it. 2 hours later in my later classes the principal calls me. The dam nig ratted me out over a fucking joke. Sorry for using the racial slur, but how the fuck can u do somethng like that? HE CLEARLY KNEW IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE/NOT A SERIOUS PLAN. No one, especially me, even said anything specific of how we would carry it out...but this stupid ass nigger has to tell the principal, out of his own free will. They almost exspelled me but I somehow managed to stay at the school...and was criticized for the next year and a half...all the teachers grew to hate me...it was worse than expulsion honestly. So fast forward....Now I was in high school, an all guys school, I chose to go there cause they had a sweet swim program. Ended up all american and placed at the state meet 2nd. Then I got into the university of michigan where I didn't plan on swimming, got a 31 on the act, excellent grades, until marijuana struck. Now I dont know why, but when I smoke, not only do I get high, I get retarded. I am the laziest fuck who cant think for shit. To cut everything short, I got severely addicted, fucked myself out of U of M, my parents didnt want me to waste anymore of their money...I didnt even fail a classs.....my gpa was a 2.5 at a top 20 college in the nation. And once they pulled me out I realized how I have no friends and now I'm just a depressed fuck who plays call of duty and owns everyone cause I play it so fucking much. I wish I knew what I liked in life, I wish I had a dream...I dont even have that. Ever since I could think and remember I've felt like theres a hole in my heart that will never be filled. no dreams, no aspirations, I just feel empty and alone, only me and my thoughts. I don't know why I like video games so much but they r honestly the only thing I like. yea im an athlete, but i dont fucking like it. i hate swimming, i hate schoolwork, i hate my family, im nothing like any of them, i dunno why i have to be so fucking different. my whole life has almost been a fake front to everyone. someone please try and console me because I have the 12 gage in my lap and I'm about to end it all. I see no other reason to live. I love no one, care for no one, and I dont even know why. Everything happened so fast that my mind just turned to mush and now I have nothing left to do but blow my brains out. rip ME