Despite the massive effort i've put into life i'll likely never make anything of it do to my declining mental functions.
I grew up poor. so poor that their were times that we lived out of single-room motel rooms in the worst areas. at 16 i was homeless for a few months even. I've never been able to make good friends with people. I've had friends, sure - but never ones good enough to even help out with simple things, like moving to a new place or coming to a birthday. merely acquaintances really. I grew up with massive ADD, and this was back when that wasn't something every one had. I eventually simply stopped going to school altogether. despite these shortcomings I pursued my GED and went to a community college, and eventually graduated with an engineering degree from a state college.
Pulling myself out of pure poverty to complete 6 years of the most intense college education one can receive, and working for 5 years afterwords ... and I'm no better off for it. The engineering degree that has taken me virtually no where (accept some 30 grand in debt). due to the economy there simply aren't jobs out there. At least not ones that offer anything more than what i would have made as a garbage man. But, what else can one do. just shrug it off and go to work. The people i know from back home who have not even a high school diploma are better off, in every sense of the word. especially considering that while i was putting myself into debt for college they were working and earning money. establishing their home and families, paying of their cars and saving up for retirement. spending time with loved ones, while i was on the 48th hour of cramming for yet another test.
Once the economy gets better i'm sure this will all change, eventually. But its been 4 years since it went to shit, and there is no end in sight.
However, the real complaint here is that for the past several years i've been aware of my memory slipping away. at this point everything seems a bit like a saying that you once knew and kind of remember, but can't quite get the words exact.. or maybe the details of a dream that you know you could recall this morning, but can only recall highlights now. at first it was just names and random facts, now it is pretty much an open field on everything; and each year i notice it be vastly worse than the previous. the only thing that carries me thru my work is that my logic is still intact; I can put whatever pieces i do remember (at that moment) together to form the answer that I am looking for. but this is even getting more and more difficult. At the rate my memory is declining i'll likely be entirely incompetent by the time i finally could otherwise make something of the effort i've put into life. | |
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