LIFE SUCKS

Hopeful but still so hopeless

I am 26 years old and still live at home with my parents. I had a dream to one day become a writer and study history, travel the world and visit the historical landmarks.

I started and stopped studying for the past 8 years of my life. On top of that, I started two apprecticeships in plumbing but the only reason I attempted those was because the trade promised good money but me having a weak stomach and little interest in the technical labour I very soon became bored and eventually succumbed to depression.

I live at home with my parents and 2 siblings who are 10 to 12 years younger than me. Both children constantly fight and argue with my parents and it is hard to study with all the constant yelling and turmoil.

I have had two failed relationships both of which promised companionship for life. I fcuked them up badly. My second relationship was bliss. I loved her a lot and she was caring and genuine. At the time I was depressed and to add to the sick humour of my life, I snapped every now and than and sabotaged my relationship by breaking up with her. About five times I broke it off and I did it without warning, or any clue in regard to my judgment of character. I was sick. The 5th time she had enough and never came back, cannot blame her. I was now alone, no friends, because they did not understand and quite frankly my mates weren't an understanding bunch. I then went to a doctor and I was diagnosed with chronic bi-polar and it has been like this pretty much my whole life up until now.

I attempted studying many times from the age 24 but I failed dismally. I was not able to organise and discipline myself to even turn up at times.
Now at the age of 26 I am looking for an escape, some sort of job to get away from my bad memories and resentment I hold for the people around me. The sad thing is, I am a good person.

I am broken and emotionally retarded.

"If only I could find a fresh start somewhere totally new."- is my only escape at night.