Well, I'm seventeen years old, and I'm not happy. I had a thought a couple of months ago. I kept thinking that if I can't be happy while I'm young, I'll never be happy about the past.
When I was a kid, I was always pushed around, I was bullied until the eigth grade. I've actually had thoughts of suicide during the eigth grade.
Here's a short story.. One time I went to go hang out at the boys and girls youth center. I was hanging out with some friends until the youth center finally closed. Well, we were headed home, but this other kid who was popular was feeling "fun". He started gossiping about how much of a loser I was. People laughed. I had no idea. Well, he took a long branch of a tree and smacked me with it a few times, then cornered me at a wall. One of his other friends was recording his fun (my misery) on a digital camera. I couldn't do anything because I was just a nobody. I played along to seem cool, but in reality, I wanted to just cry. My girlfriend broke up with me for someone else later on.
Back in the first grade, I was even laughed at by my "friends" parents. I don't do anything but sit my butt on the computer playing video games for hours on end because I can't get a job. I can't get a job because I don't have a car. I don't have a car because we can't afford one (can't afford insurance either). I'm only 17 years old, and a junior in high school. I can't go to parties because I don't know how to dance, I'm shy, and I suck with small talk. I'm probably the definition of a loser. To be honest, I wish I knew places and people I could smoke weed with. My life is that bad that I would be willing to smoke a joint just to escape the horrible reality that my life sucks.
Even me, a seventeen year old dude, almost an adult, almost a senior in high school.. I sometimes even sit lay in my bed, wishing for things out of my reach, crying myself to sleep, almost what I'm doing now.
To make things worse, just three months ago, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me for somebody else, sending me into a huge cyclone of depressment. I wish I was smarter, stronger, and more popular. I'm not a target anymore (not since the eigth grade), but i'm just the loser with the popular sister. To make things even worse, I can't help but to regret a large number of things, such as the time in the ninth grade where I missed my chance to be with the most beautiful girl I've ever known to be my friend. What's even worse is that the only reason I post this is to make people see my innermost thoughts just so I can feel better about my sorry self. What's even worse than all of that is that all of this is true, and I wish that I was exhagerrating.
It's the cold fact, I guess. Lifes a box of chocolate, and I guess mine just happened to have some laxatives that made the good in my teenage life just run out.
I know I'm still young and have yet experienced life, but as a grown man that I will become, what memories will I have of my "glorious" childhood? Was I a football star? No. Did I ever get to make out with some babe? No. Did I ever grow the balls to actually get someone I've always wanted? No. Did I get to make friends and hang out at the dance with a girl? No.
I guess, to me, if my past isn't all that great, then my memories are kind of depressing. Everytimr I look back, idk... I just wish I knew how to deal with life better and fight anything that stood as a negative obstacle. | |
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