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Hello,
This is kinda weird, never thought I'd find a site something like this. It feels like a diary entry where you pretty much pour out your feelings and thoughts (something you will never find me do)
Well anyway, I see that quite ALOT of people say that their life sucks. Happy to say that I'm not the only one, yaaay ! Well I'm pretty much starting University this year (not that anyones would care), but yeah. It's weired tho, I have no idea why =| soooooo how life sucks? I hate how I get that feeling of suicidal, its really fcxk`d (mind my language) up I reckon. You get this really twisted feeling inside of you, thoughts of ways you can commit suicide (I had a lot of those). Year 9 was a blast for me, first year in highschool new people new friends (culture shock I must say) scoring high grades ALL SMILES. Year 1O, things started to kick in, behaving differently. Now this is when it started getting serious in school, dad was always on my case. Asking how was school like EVERY SINGLE DAY, that really annoyed me to the point where my answer was always the same. 3 important years came up ... this is when all grades get assessed in order to get to uni ! Holy crap did I not think about what was going on, my dad would tutor me (yes because his a scholar) every Monday Thursday and Saturday. I never looked forward, I would get really bad beatings across my head if I got one question wrong. By the way I'm an Islander (quite normal to get beatings), I would get really bad headaches after a beating. I now have a long term head explosion, meaning I get severe headaches any time of the day. I hated my life from there, I wish I was just like my friends. That one day my parents would get divorced and that I would have that freedom. But no I was locked in this house 24/7, school home school home. Nothing new ever happened, my life was boring, my friends knew how my dad was. Note: My friends were quite free, out-going had fun took complete opposite subjects from me. I was the 'nerd' in the group, friends knew how dad was like therefore they understood (:
In 5th form, exams came up I panic'd because all I thought of was 'do not disappoint dad' the torture I went through with my dad lead me to hating myself thinking I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't good enough, I felt worthless ! This is when I started cutting myself, my arm would just pour out with blood. I hated myself sooo much I couldn't even understand why. My results turned out to be really good (: yaay ! Excited, 6th form uurrgghhhhh . Fcxk my life, idk why !! I had the biggest hiding of my entire life, I felt really dumb I started to fall apart, I couldn't concentrate in school anymore. All I saw on th board was just a blur of fuzzy writing, I would hear mumbling noises coming out of the teachers mouth. My self-esteem died right on that spot, I had enough of school, I couldn't take it anymore! I hated it when people say I can do it (in school) and that I was smart, I would lash out at them. I went mental towards them because everyone did not know what I was going through with my dad at home in order to get these results. My mother would get a hit from dad because mum would try and protect me, and I hated seeing that. This is when everything that was floating inside of me, got sucked straight out of me. I felt like dying, I listed down all th ways I could commit suicide, I constantly harmed myself because it felt good to feel pain. I cried nearly every night to try and sleep! I just feel like I've brought my whole family down that if I complete my life right now, everything would be just fine. That year I failed my exam ... I couldn't confront my father about my results. Instead I ran away crying thinking about all the things that would happen to me. My whole body was on a shut down mode, till today my body still feels like that!
My father and I actually have a great relationship as a father and daughter should do! See how I was complaining bout all that shxt I went through, well dad treats his children evenly. How he brought my brother & sister up is the same way I was brought up. My dad is quite supportive in everything I do now, especially last year (my last year in highschool). I had went counselling every week for 2 terms, due to my issue. I discussed my issue with my father & he understood from there on. There are some happy moments & there are some very depressing moments. I still think my life is a living HELL. every morning I wake up complaining that I'm still alive ! To be honest, I dont know who may read this, or would they even bother reading this NOVEL. You may think your life is worse then mine, it probably is. Realize that your not the only one in the whole entire world that feels like this (:
SMILE ABOUT THE MOST RANDOM THINGS
Why ? Cause you end up laughing at the most stupid things (: | |
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