LIFE SUCKS

Why is there so much pain in life?

I don't know where to begin. It seems like life is nothing but a series of painful situations and I have had my share. My story reads like a movie sometimes. It started when I was a kid. My step father hated me. He beat me at times for no reason, but it worsened after I fell from the cliff. I didn't break anything but I did rupture my spleen. Didn't know it at the time but as the months went by I felt an ever growing pain in my left side. I would complain about it but I would be beaten and/or put to work to get me to shut up about it. Even breathing became difficult. After a year of pain I finally reached the point where I didn't care anymore what my step father did to me and I refused to do any more physical work. I even told him that I didn't care if he beat me because I already hurt too much and nothing he did would make it worse. My mother finally took me to a doctor and I was immediately hospitalized. They thought I had cancer, that it was a massive tumor, but it was an 18 pound blood clot in my abdomen that had pushed my organs to the right and up into my chest. That is why I had trouble breathing.

I married young. I wanted to get away from home but I also wanted to just have someone to love and be loved by. Never did I think that the beautiful woman I married could be such a monster. I was in the Navy then and every time I went to sea and came back I had to get my wife back from the arms of another. I also had to get her sober again. She started using hard core drugs and then got into satanism. Really, it is not a joke. Eventually things began happening at home that defied a logical explanation. To make matters worse, we had two children by that time and they had to suffer also. I finally gave up when the drug dealers threatened the children's lives and the satanism got so out of control I thought I was in a nightmare. I know most people don't believe in supernatural phenomena and I didn't either until I saw things that I could not explain. Things flying across the room, people doing things that didn't make sense, priests afraid to touch my wife, and many other things. I gave up. I got divorced and took the kids and ran. I tried to start over between nightmares, kids, and trying to pick up the pieces and make something of my life.

There was nothing left in my name. I had $200 and a beat up car. I went to Mississippi and hired on at Ingalls shipyard. I lived out of a motel room until I got my first pay check. I found a cheap apartment and the kids and I slept on the floor wrapped in a blanket until I was able to buy a sofa. It was a hide-a-bed sofa so we had a place to sleep. Things were hard. The kids were in daycare while I worked and I tried to give them the love and comfort they needed. I was a poor father. They suffered too much. As time went by I was eventually able to buy the kids a decent bed and was able to get a TV. My daughter by then was 5 and started school. She was so withdrawn at school that it broke my heart. She didn't make friends or interact with anyone. Around that time I started dating a little. I met Carol. She was good to my children and got them to open up a little. But it didn't last. I was afraid of commitment but didn't realized how attached Carol had gotten to me and the kids until she blew her brains out. I never got over that. She blamed it on me in a letter.

I didn't date for a couple years after that but finally met another woman. I loved her dearly. She didn't have the same commitment to me that I had to her. She hated my children and eventually made me choose between her and my kids. Well, this has been going on too long so I will cut it short. My daughter got cancer, I got divorced again, and then I had had enough and tried to overdose. I spent a time in ICU and much longer in psychiatric care. I'm not crazy, just tired of problems. So much more has happened that is not written here but I can't imagine it getting much worse. Why am I here? Is there peace in this life?