Well, to wrap it up pretty much before it gets out of hand, let me tell you that my life isn't perfect; nor my family, friends, and my mom. I often ask myself, what is a perfect family? Is a child not allowed to have problems in his life to be classified as normal? I picture the perfect family with the perfect son getting AB honor roll, doing perfect things, and everybody is happy every day.
Unfortunately that is not the case for me. I am a 16 year old kid, almost an adult, and I find myself asking troubling questions about how much my life is worth. I find myself wanting to give in to bad choices, maybe it's because I just "don't care" like everyone is telling me, but what do I know? I love my mom more than anything, contrary to popular belief. Yes, we clash and fight, but I always say I'm sorry in the end, because I truly do love her, (contrary to popular belief.)
I see my life as pretty normal, but then I see who I really am. I hate school, maybe it's because I'm as lazy as everyone says I am, or maybe I feel differently than the hivemind surrounding my horrible school. I'm smart, but I don't apply myself, or so I'm told. I smoke cannabis with my friends, it relaxes me, I relish the hours not thinking of my awkward life. My dad, (whom cheated on my mom), has a new girlfriend. He wants me to live over there and be the dad he should have been years ago, instead of drinking at the bar. I wish I had the strength to tell him he doesn't deserve a second chance, but he gets violently angry.
I'm pretty sure I have low self-esteem. Some mornings, after taking a shower, the only thing I can think of is how ugly I am. Ridiculing myself, pointing out my few pimples, my braces, my weak muscles, the fat on my stomach, etc. Then some mornings I tell myself how good I look, which I believe is the case. I have had girls tell me I'm cute, I've been flirted with, and believe me, I have had some awkward sexual encounters.
Really I just wish I could escape everything and put my head in the sand. I'm pretty tired of dealing with all this pointless bullshit that surrounds my life.
I can't wait until I get to move out and make my own life meaningful. I feel like I'm following this hivemind, drones of pointless people with boring and pointless lives. You go to work, come home and live for 5 hours, rinse and repeat for 70 years until you die a boring and pointless life. Whatever the case, I'm going to school tomorrow and I will face the music once again. I could live a life of lies and hide from everything, but in the end that would make everything worse. Thanks for reading this, I'm not sure why I wrote this in the first place, maybe I needed to get it off my chest. But thanks anyways.
-Jared | |
New Comment