forgive my bad english
I am 17 years old, poor, ugly(though i use to be handsome years ago),worthless, stupid and got no future at all.
Well i use to have an enjoyable life when i was a mindless kid. I got a lot of friends and got lots of girls crushing on me. But everything turns like hell when i step to high school. i enrolled into a university a 100 kilometers away from my old one. SInce then i lost all my old friends as friends though i see them some time. Now all i got was my new classmates whom i dont like actually because they are all socially oriented while im not. they talk stuff which i cant relate into. the only whom i get used to talk to is my gay sit mate( i have to to show that im not mute even though i really hate gays). I am smart at that time and is getting smarter becoz i m very focus on my studies and got a few distractions. But months pass i seem to have like my classmates(guys only. i dont talk to girls and i hate them becoz they are too noisy and annoying with the exception of my crush) and finally i can relate with them. they too were addicted to games as much as i do. And after that i lost all my focus on my studies and got a failing grade in one subject. And the worst scenario of all i have been invaded by acne covering my face to my elbows. Now my goodlooking face is messed up and that lowers my self esteem much more. and it started the bullying of my classmates to me. though acne has ruined my face still there are some girls were attracted to me. and they were my inspiration. There were certain situations that i want to express my feelings to my ultimate crush whom i know likes me(because some say so) but then whenever i step forward she backs off. so i began to realize that she doesnt like me and i did the same thing to others whom i thought likes me but same thing happened. its bullshit. thats the day i promise that i will never have any girlfriends at all(i never had actually since the past) and i will stop myself to fall in love. LOve SUCKS!!.
My family also sucked. Since after i went to high school they started to think i am worthless and they hit me and they keep saying im stupid. My elder brother is the worst. He always hit me whenever i dont follow his commands, whenver i did something bad to him which are all accidental. And also whenver i have some cool stuff he always take it from me and used it for his own good. so whenever i have some cool stuff i usually hide to use it but as always there is no good hiding place for me. My mom also hits me. My dad well he doesnt hit me but his words hurts me so much. That has made me so very weak and the reason why i got easliy bullied at school. Because of them i never learned how to fight for my self.
I have 3 siblings, 2males and 1 female which is our eldest. 3 of them went to college, the 2 eldest are already graduated. 3 of them are supported by my uncles and aunts. Well it was very unlucky that no one step in to sponsor me to my college so i stop. That hurts me a lot because i dreamed to be someone else. Iwant to be a writer, a programmer, an inventor, a soldier, and a director of films but all were just dreams. And i can never be atleast one of those. Actually i have already known that i cannot go to college since the day before my high school graduation. Moms keeps telling me that. atfirst i never mind it. i know there is hope. so when my high school graduation came i promise myself to be happy and indeed i was very happy. Infact it is the happiest moment of my life. And i should be because the next thing that will have to happen is an eternal damnation. I am hopeless so i havent got the chance to go to college and that ruins my life. and the worst part is everybody is saying that no one helped me to go to college is because im worhtless and they laugh while they say it. last june, it is the start of the school year, i opened my facebook in this fuckin laptop and i read my classmmates post that they are all excited and keeps on asking each one of us on what course did we take. me ofcourse i didnt answer to some except to my friends but all were just lies. i have to because i dont want them to LAUGH or give sympathy to me. and after that i spent months being offline in fb to prevent questions. and also i wished i will never see anyone of them( i nevr did since graduation) by staying in the house all the time because it will surely hurt me so bad and it has been 9 months since i never went out of my house. I lost all my friends. I am so alone now. and i am continuously suffering.
i spend the rest of my days crying and thinking of all the bullshits that happened in my life. i am a goody person but all things happened to me is hell. i seem to have no life now. the only answer i had is to kill my self but i dont have the guts to do it. I wanted to die but i cant, i simply cant and it sucks. hope there is someone who can help me kill myself cause i really need to. theres no need for me to stay alive in this world. pls help me kill my self!!!
i want to die and say FUCK THE WORLD!!! | |
-Don't execpt to find your girl in your town or your college. I know you think I'm some dumb stranger and you can give a shit on my opinion. But don't kill yourself. Please.
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