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life is a joke

Posted by kill me at January 5, 2011
Tags: Family  2011 January  Juvenile problems  Loneliness

forgive my bad english

I am 17 years old, poor, ugly(though i use to be handsome years ago),worthless, stupid and got no future at all.

Well i use to have an enjoyable life when i was a mindless kid. I got a lot of friends and got lots of girls crushing on me. But everything turns like hell when i step to high school. i enrolled into a university a 100 kilometers away from my old one. SInce then i lost all my old friends as friends though i see them some time. Now all i got was my new classmates whom i dont like actually because they are all socially oriented while im not. they talk stuff which i cant relate into. the only whom i get used to talk to is my gay sit mate( i have to to show that im not mute even though i really hate gays). I am smart at that time and is getting smarter becoz i m very focus on my studies and got a few distractions. But months pass i seem to have like my classmates(guys only. i dont talk to girls and i hate them becoz they are too noisy and annoying with the exception of my crush) and finally i can relate with them. they too were addicted to games as much as i do. And after that i lost all my focus on my studies and got a failing grade in one subject. And the worst scenario of all i have been invaded by acne covering my face to my elbows. Now my goodlooking face is messed up and that lowers my self esteem much more. and it started the bullying of my classmates to me. though acne has ruined my face still there are some girls were attracted to me. and they were my inspiration. There were certain situations that i want to express my feelings to my ultimate crush whom i know likes me(because some say so) but then whenever i step forward she backs off. so i began to realize that she doesnt like me and i did the same thing to others whom i thought likes me but same thing happened. its bullshit. thats the day i promise that i will never have any girlfriends at all(i never had actually since the past) and i will stop myself to fall in love. LOve SUCKS!!.

My family also sucked. Since after i went to high school they started to think i am worthless and they hit me and they keep saying im stupid. My elder brother is the worst. He always hit me whenever i dont follow his commands, whenver i did something bad to him which are all accidental. And also whenver i have some cool stuff he always take it from me and used it for his own good. so whenever i have some cool stuff i usually hide to use it but as always there is no good hiding place for me. My mom also hits me. My dad well he doesnt hit me but his words hurts me so much. That has made me so very weak and the reason why i got easliy bullied at school. Because of them i never learned how to fight for my self.

I have 3 siblings, 2males and 1 female which is our eldest. 3 of them went to college, the 2 eldest are already graduated. 3 of them are supported by my uncles and aunts. Well it was very unlucky that no one step in to sponsor me to my college so i stop. That hurts me a lot because i dreamed to be someone else. Iwant to be a writer, a programmer, an inventor, a soldier, and a director of films but all were just dreams. And i can never be atleast one of those. Actually i have already known that i cannot go to college since the day before my high school graduation. Moms keeps telling me that. atfirst i never mind it. i know there is hope. so when my high school graduation came i promise myself to be happy and indeed i was very happy. Infact it is the happiest moment of my life. And i should be because the next thing that will have to happen is an eternal damnation. I am hopeless so i havent got the chance to go to college and that ruins my life. and the worst part is everybody is saying that no one helped me to go to college is because im worhtless and they laugh while they say it. last june, it is the start of the school year, i opened my facebook in this fuckin laptop and i read my classmmates post that they are all excited and keeps on asking each one of us on what course did we take. me ofcourse i didnt answer to some except to my friends but all were just lies. i have to because i dont want them to LAUGH or give sympathy to me. and after that i spent months being offline in fb to prevent questions. and also i wished i will never see anyone of them( i nevr did since graduation) by staying in the house all the time because it will surely hurt me so bad and it has been 9 months since i never went out of my house. I lost all my friends. I am so alone now. and i am continuously suffering.


i spend the rest of my days crying and thinking of all the bullshits that happened in my life. i am a goody person but all things happened to me is hell. i seem to have no life now. the only answer i had is to kill my self but i dont have the guts to do it. I wanted to die but i cant, i simply cant and it sucks. hope there is someone who can help me kill myself cause i really need to. theres no need for me to stay alive in this world. pls help me kill my self!!!
i want to die and say FUCK THE WORLD!!!


Votes:


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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 25,Jan,11 15:15

Some thing you've said, kay, those suck... But you hate gays? No shit if a part of that bullying is because of that. I struggled with lots of the problems you have aswell, and I overcame them. I mean... you think girls are annoying? WTF? I do to but if that's a reason to hate life, then just suck it up dude.


By anonymous at 25,Jan,11 22:42

You are not the only one to feel this way. Life can be painful. The thought of killing yourself is probably because you are feeling so much hurt and pain and it is the easiest way to end the pain. Please hang on. In terms of your acne, there are medications that can clear it. I good friend of mine went throught the same thing you are going to. His face and body were covered in acne and no girls would go near them. After he researched and took some medication in his mid-twenties, all the acne cleared up and he was very good looking. I understand that you have no family to lean on. That is very lonely. I feel for you. It is sad that you come from such a family. You are not alone. I come from the same type of family. Is there anyone you can talk to in your city like a counsellor, or a psychiatrist so that you can get your story out and you can express your feelings of sadness?


By anonymous at 25,Jan,11 22:47

You are doing a great thing by expressing your emotions. If you have nobody to talk to, sometimes expressing your feelings on websites is a good thing. Let it out. You need to vent. If you come from an abusive family then it is understandable that you feel this way. Please hold on. SOmetimes you have to go through days and years of feeling like this. Sometimes it is hard to get through a day like this. Please hold on. There are many people who have had a horrible childhood like you have. I am one of these people. Life is hard but you have to take things day by day and moment by moment. These things will pass. It may take days or years but once you are out of school, you can find a job, start saving money and start living life the way you want to. I know you think there is no hope and possibly the people around you right now are of no help. Maybe you are not 'clicking' with them because you genuinely do not connect with them. You will come across a friend in the future however, that you will connect with. Is there any way you can reach out to someone at your school or a therapist or a doctor that you can go talk to?


By anonymous at 28,Jan,11 21:58

I can see that you are a good person that claims to have flaws, but we all do. Wether they are social or physical flaws or both. And though at times life can seem hopeless, not everything is lost. Life doesn't revolve around school, good looks or money. We must all try to find that place within ourselves that's is worthwhile because when nothing in the world seems positive, it is our duty to find that feeling within ourselves. If you feel good about yourself then you will have a better disposition on those people who surround you. And you don't have to talk to your old classmates If you don't want to, but that shouldn't prevent you from making new friends. Life is so much more than what surrounds you, so you must keep trying to push ahead. If you'd like to discuss anything or wish to talk to anyone feel free to email me at linton.aldrich@ gmail.com.take care of yourself
By anonymous at 10,Feb,11 11:31

ALDRICH! SHUT THE FUCK UP
By anonymous at 24,Apr,11 18:55 Fold Up

take care of yourself too


By anonymous at 29,Jan,11 04:52

I really understand your problem, I know what you mean. I was too coward to kill myself too, everybody said I should give life a chance because this would be a very short period of my life. But believe me one thing: Don't give up love. My boyfriend wanted to kill himself with some cyanide beofore I met him, he had noone to talk to and was pretty emoitionless.
-Don't execpt to find your girl in your town or your college. I know you think I'm some dumb stranger and you can give a shit on my opinion. But don't kill yourself. Please.
By anonymous at 29,Jan,11 18:39

Yes, this person is right. You never know where you will find your love and when. Please wait until then. Then you can start your own life with the person you love.


By anonymous at 01,Feb,11 01:53

so you want to die, the bottomless pit awaits you, you will be burned worse than any fire can do here, oh did I mention it is eternal? You need Jesus Christ! HE IS THE SALVATION EVERYONE NEEDS, EVERYONE ON THIS WEBSITE NEEDS HIM.


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