LIFE SUCKS

This Girl

All throughout my life I've been a chickenshit, and I've always regretted it. I've never told a girl how I've felt about them. I always freeze up before I do, and then just decide to quit. I told myself this winter break that that would change, and that I would ask this certain girl out, but like usual it didn't happen. It's not that this girl is repulsed by me or anything, I've actually seen some signs that she might like me. But there's always a little doubt in my mind that just tells me she's only being nice. We had a Christmas party at work, and I was waiting for more people to get there. She arrived and stood next to me, and we started talking. Almost the whole time she was there we just stood around and talked to each other, while other coworkers occasionally walked over and joined in. It has pretty much been the highlight of my winter break, I really enjoyed it. A little while after that night, me and her got off of work early, so we watched a movie. I didn't want to freak her out or anything so I avoided trying to make it look like I was making a move or anything. This other time I came over to her and needed something from her, so I joked around and told her to throw it to me. She said no and I said why not, and she said because you need to talk to me because she was bored (something to that effect). The problem is ,to me, this girl isn't the most outwardly person, so it's hard to tell what she's feeling. I thought I could judge whether or not she likes me by her reactions but my paranoia prevents that. It's not like I freeze up everytime I talk to girls, if I know them enough I feel comfortable talking to them, it's just when I start liking them in a different way all I can think about is asking them out, and how it seems impossible and won't ever happen. Then that brings me down. Another problem is that I hide when it brings me down, and people probably don't even realize I'm going through this trouble. I'm actually one of the most liked people at work, and very few people have a problem with me if they do. I have other problems in life concerning school and life in general. But I believe if things were to work out with this girl that those other problems would be easier to deal with. Most of my other problems can be related to my loneliness, because it causes me to be depressed and affects other aspects of my life and demotivates me. Deep down my ultimate goal in life is to find someone to spend it with. Unlike a lot of people my age, I'm not looking to just have sex with chicks and all that. It's actually further down the list, the first being to just have a companion in life. Of course a nice job, money, and all that stuff would be nice, but above all I want to find someone. Winter break is almost over now, and she doesn't work anymore before she goes to school for the semester, so the only way I'd be able to talk with her is over facebook. I would feel comfortable about talking to her about it over facebook except for the fact that she would probably react negative to it; I've heard it's a big mistake to do it over facebook, and I agree that it would be a mistake. Although I should just be myself, letting her know that I'm a chickenshit and can't ask her in person is something I don't want to do. I have to break through this nervousness and just change myself for the better. The next time I'll probably see her will be this summer, that is if she comes back to work for the summer, which she said she probably will. So it will be months before I'll even get a chance to try again, and who knows if she'll find someone else in that time. Even if she noticed that I like her, the fact that I haven't acted upon it might push her away. I know this probably sounds cliche and people say this all the time, but I don't think I've ever felt this way about a girl before. I'm not even saying to myself that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I would only know that once I've been in a relationship with her. But more than anything in the world, I would like to be in a relationship with her, and if it leads to something serious or not then let it be. I've told one of my close friends at work about it, and I plan to use her (the friend's) help to work through this situation this summer. If by the summer it turns out she doesn't have a boyfriend, I plan on asking her out and getting it over with. I would rather be rejected than not know how it will turn out. My worry is that word will get out that I was rejected and embarassment will follow. It actually felt really good to write this out in words, I've always felt it easier to talk to someone in writing rather than orally. I didn't realize I would write this much. To be honest this probably doesn't seem like a life that sucks at all to some people, because their problems might seem far bigger. But this situation is affecting my motivation in other aspects of my life, causing me to go through life without accomplishing anything.