Well I like to go by the name Lioheart (no, i didnt forget the "N", it really is Lioheart.) so yeah. Here I am... now if I could just GTFO.... Nevermind that! I'm here to tell you a story about "how messed up and crappy life is" like that am I right? Yeah, I got the dealio.
Well, my depression started in 5th grade when I finally realized that NOTHING could really make me well... cheerful again. I was kind of putting on a fake little show for everyone, pretending to be happy, giving fake smiles to everyone. I felt like some pathetic puppet, saying what everyone wanted to hear. Really though, I was dying inside.
I have anger management problems. Not normal ones though. Their quite strange. Sometimes I get so mad that I just sit there-- shaking, saying in my mind "God kill me now dammit!". No lies. Other times (I even do this without realizing it too) I kind of scratch myself with my own fingernails on a certain part of my hand. I'm VERY sensitive to pain but I don't even feel that(well mostly not)! I have journal *cough* diary *cough cough* that I write in, but I normally just end up reading it over and over, getting more stressed out and angry. I often remember small fights (talking- not physical, I don't wanna kill anyone... well I do but think of the consequences dammit!) I had with random people and I get so upset, and maybe even suicidal. I also tend to get really jealous of people sometimes. I admit it, I have serious issues.
Mainly, its stupid people who get me upset, which includes annoying old people (which is most of them btw). Oh and small children (I mean whats so special about them? I don't find them interesting in any way!...). My main "Life ruiners" as I call them are my stepfather and great-aunt. They mean well (i doubt it.) but theyre annoying as hell! Not to mention stupid. Fucking embarrassing. 'Nuff said or I'll be ranting all night.
On to the next reason! My mother. I love her more than anything, and thats the problem. You see, she recently is suffering from an injury that apparently, can't be healed. I believe its called a herniated disk in her neck. That sucks right? You have no idea. If something else wrong happens, she could be paralyzed-- forever. So yeah, theres that. Oh and if that happens, I might (probably) just kill myself. If I'm actually brave enough that is.
Okay, Okay, last one! Its that I have seriously crappy social skills. I can't look people in the eyes. And it seems that everywhere I go, no matter what, I make people feel awkward. I can't make small talk without looking away from the person more than half the time. No one likes me exept for my parents and a few "friends" that I have. So yeah, this is why I like the internet.
CRAP. One more. This is my last one + some advice to y'all. Another loserbum problem I have is that I'm tired ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm serious. I even think it will eventually kill me too. I'm getting quite paranoid as well. I'm just thinking its anemia or heart disease, but who knows? So yes, at the very end, this is my advice for everyone, before you end up like me: Don't give yourself false hope. LIFE SUCKS. THE END. |
Anyway, thanks for the compliment, and I do write stories every now and then. :)
Oh and by the way, since I typed this, things have gotten much better for me and I'm not really depressed anymore. ^w^
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