I'm alone, through and through. And yet im not, how can one have a caring family, and friends but still feel alone? My life personally hasn't been all that bad growing up. I lived, I was even made stronger from whatever problems walked my way. These days, I feel like I'm falling, falling further and further and I don't know if it's going to stop. I try to be strong, but somehow I always come back to this miserable feeling. But it wasn't always this way. I feel that over the last 4 years I've only become a weaker and weaker person. And as I sit here, I'm pretty sure I know some of the major causes.
In my life, there is absolutely one person I will never ever forget. This girl meant the world to me. I had a kinda strange relationship with her. We were close friends. Close enough to be considered borderlined relationship. It showed through our actions. But everytime I would try to cross that border, she would run away. Try to tell me that it wouldn't work. We may be opposites but that doesn't change how we feel. That doesn't change that were both good hearted people who respect having high values and morals. But nothing changes and 7 years later I found myself in the same position. Still chasing the girl of my dreams and still standing there empty handed. And this spring, I had it. I was through chasing someone who who would only inevitably hurt me. So I did the only thing I could think of and said goodbye. I made sure to drop all forms of communication. And now, I sit here today and wonder if I made the right choice. I find myself still missing her, even though we've been out of contact for almost a year now. I have even had dreams where she managed to haunt me and taunt me with the idea of a relationship. But she's gone... I tossed it all away in order to protect myself, but it still hurts.
There has been other girls here and there, but none have ever given me the feeling that she did. It was unique, it was warm, it was everything I wanted. Just always just out of arms reach, and I'm alone as far as finding a girl to this day.
I grew up as kind of a geeky kid. I had normal friends, but was quiet in school, and spent the majority of my time playing video games. As being strong has always been apart of me, failure...well failure isn't an option. But I somehow have let myself down, or at least feel like it. I had big dreams, goals, a huuuge future. Yet I am entirely to blame for my mistakes. I just can't seem to take college seriously enough. I know it's important but I just can't focus, Im just unmotivated. I ask myself "is this what I really want to do?" So I end up procrastinating work and have dropped several classes. In such all I've managed to accomplish is almost 15k in loans, and 9 credits between 2 schools. The biggest issue, Im not very good at balancing work and school, along with free time. I always find myself overwhelmed, because I feel I can handle almost anything. Which...I'm addicted to earning money after working for about a year, and need a job to do anything. I still plan to become a programmer, one way or another.
All in all, I feel as if in the last 2 years I've made absolutely no progression in life. I've had two big failures recently... I failed myself when I had to move back home from my first college, due to the expense my dad was putting himself in debt for. Even while having a job out there, and helping him pay for. Then my second failure was loosing the girl of my dreams this past spring as mentioned above. That one really hurts as I had always told myself I'd always end up with her. Failure isn't flattering. And so I've let myself down, and never admitted it till now. It's been eating at me for the last couple years, enough that ive even lowered my morals. I picked up smoking pot, only to escape my own mind and prison that it holds me in. I guess my story isn't too bad overall compared to others, but I felt the need to post. Also I'm currently 20 years old and have been told I'm pretty wise of a person. I just didn't think strong people could become so weak, that I could become so weak...
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