Ever since I started college, I've been in a slow whirl pool of pain and misery. That being said, I never looked at my life in this way until it hit its climax of bad luck and misfortune. I was once a happy, outgoiing and more often than none positive kid who had the ability to heal another with advice or friendship. I felt a since of purpose when i saw someones eyes light up when they felt someone actually gave a damn about them as a person. Most of my friendship started out with me reaching out and healing another person, and continued to grow when my naturally nurturing personality (Zodiac: Cancer) came to light. I also had strong abilities to read peoples emotions without that person even opening their mouth to speak. I think of myself as an observer back then, an observer who fueled off happiness from others. I know that sounds weird, "fueled off the happiness of others," but it's true, i loved seeing someone be as happy as I felt or wanted to be, no matter the state my mind was in.
Now I'm not saying everyday i was this happy go lucky observer, but people thought of my unhappiness as unusual when it surfaced. Below the surface of my persona and what I wanted people to see, was a boy growing in debut, fear, loads of insecurities and anger. I always told people stories of when i started middle school and how hard a change it was for me, how cruel kids were, and how fast myself confidence went, i even get tired of hearing myself talk about it, but those 2 years of my life has a major and undeniably painful scar left inside me. Words i often use to describe those years are ones such as the ones listed earlier but also ones like: lonely, misery, and uncertainty. Now why i am rambling about freakin middle school again? Well those experiences my mind has tried to erase, those feeling I wanted to so badly never feel again, have become the only feelings I feel anymore. Everyday is the same feelings, same experiences, and same lack of happiness and self worth.
I'm now 19 years old, working a job I can no longer tolerate (havent been for a year now), going to school and studying a subject (A) I have to interest in anymore and (B) have no clue in. I do my best to present a confident, prideful, attractive man, but really underneath the B list acting is just the opposite. I have little to zero confidence with anything I do, I "act prideful" to cover the real truth I have nothing to be proud of, and attractive..I lost the thin shred of attractivness I had when I hit puberty and was cursed with whiteheads versus blackheads, oily and scaring, battle that consumed my enitre face and back throughout high school (ok, a little exagerted but not really), which defintely didn't help with the number of body issues I already faced in the mirror.
Lets shift things a lttile and talk about friendships. Something I was always was happy to endure and charashed each one like new born baby. Giving it all my attention, care and love just to keep it safe. I would go out of my way to please the ones I thought were so dear to me, even put myself on the side to make sure their world was problem free. Now why would anyone do that? Well when you feel like at any moment those same people can and will replace your existence with another or in hopes all of your hard effort you put into that relationship would turn and bless you in the long run, you'll do anything to keep that fire burning. But then I always came to a place, with every one of those so called friendships, were my enegery and willingness to please would die and I wanted, no NEEDED the table to turn and be my turn to have another cater to my feelings, my true feeling, the feelings I for so long tried to keep underlined. But my turn never came threw and if did it was so brief and so unwilling, it didnt even scratch the surface of "me." Lets me fast forward a bit to a happier time, that being my junior year in high school. For years of the same failing frienships and bullshit I'd endure just to have someone near, I FINALLY found two friends I could enjoy and be enjoyed. I was vonurable and honest and they were too. My silly childhood side was embraced like never before and my true self was accepted without judgment. I felt no need to be insecure, worried, angry or scared because I had 2 friends, without a spit of doubt who loved me inspite of me. Now like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, even that big "Down" every relationship reaches that can either make or break the bond, which we eventaully pulled through and grew as individuals from. the story gets even better when the girl I had become so close with opens up about her feelings for me and her love for me. This was definately a huge highlihgt in my 19 years of life, as i longed for someone i had feelings for actually have mutual feelings in return! The perfect happy couple we were for months. So secure and so sure of ouselves and each other, it was amazing to feel this way. i had the assurance and esteem i never thought I'd recieve. But also with my 19 years of life experiences, every good thing has a dark side, some darker than others. Going into anything with baggage still not unpacked can be a burden on anything, but in a relationship can be a single fcator in destruction. We came so close to splitting numerous times due to hers, but now recently mine. My untreated feeling of insecurites, hurt, jealousy, anger, and shame that have begin to stem my very existence is taking its deadly toll and destroying the fews things I so tightly hold on to. Freinds, family, and even my first love.
I hate hearing myself complain and never have anything good, new, or exciting to share, which is my very resaon for styaing off any social sites and connecting with friends, the site of myself angers me. i hate myself for being such a self pittying loser, I'm the complete opposite of how i imagined myself at 19. I'm a skinny, unnattrative, barely medium height insecure and angery dumbass who shoots way to high in terms of goals.
I'm embarrased of who I really am, and the happiness of others I use to "fuel of off," now became the fuel that keeps the hate burning in my soul. Yep, dark isn't it, my mind i mean. It's a place i try to avoid and never travel through because I know, the last shred of good in me will die in the black hole which is now my heart. Now before you start to think "well why doesn't he just change his life, get a new job or study what really interest him to make himself happy," let me tell you, from the horses mouth, it's WAY easier said than done. I have tried for two years now to reach a level personally and job wise, that seems virtually impossible for me to obtained. just last week I e-mailed FOUR not three, not two, not one, but FOUR studios here in anchorage, begging them, pouring my heart into these e-mails telling them that music is pretty much my very reason of existence, shot down by (A) no e-mail from three out of the four studios and (B) an e-mail that was an overall no. And lets not forget the numerous job interviews for EVERY radio station in town that ended up in my non-hired ass working in retail once again, beinging mistreated, used, and to often abused for a lowsy $10.41 an hour, oh wait, that $0.41 didn't come until june of this year, which is ONE YEAR of my sweat and even tears put in working at such a fuckin place... | |
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