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orange40

Posted by orange40 at November 30, 2010
Tags: Attitude  2010 November

On the outside, people think I'm strong and attractive and brave. I have friends and family who love me. I have a job and a house. On the inside, I am rotten and disgusting and I loathe myself so much I can't stand to be alone with myself. I can't keep a relationship together, have just ruined my latest one by unleashing my revolting, violent temper on my partner of 6 months. I hit him in the head and threw a glass at him and he threw me against a wall several times. I deserved it. He should have punched me in the face. I'm covered in bruises and grazes and he's left and will never speak to me again. This is the 7th relationship I have ruined through my rage, my anxiety, my neediness, my intolerance. They all love me in the beginning but they all run away from me in the end. Even this guy, who was kind of an asshole and had drinking problems (but I adored him). I'm broke and am so useless I can't pay my bills. Last night I dreamt I lived in a homeless shelter and I probably will be soon. I wish someone would top me - I'm so cowardly I can't even do it myself. I'm smoking a gazillion ciagerettes a day and making myself the ugly crone I know I am inside. What a useless piece of shit I am - happiness lands in my lap and I screw it all up, over and over and over again. I'm so pathetic I can't even be happy with all the things I have been given in life. At times I know that people can't be around me because the self-loathing is so strong they can smell it. I feel like at the moment people are staring at my because they know I'm so disgusting and there's something wrong with me. Jesus Christ I wish I would die.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 16,Dec,10 23:09

It sounds strikingly similar to my situation I sought psychological treatment because of my temperament. I don't know what else to tell you but keep on moving and that no man no matter how aggressive you are should place their hands on you .


By anonymous at 16,Dec,10 23:09

It sounds strikingly similar to my situation I sought psychological treatment because of my temperament. I don't know what else to tell you but keep on moving and that no man no matter how aggressive you are should place their hands on you .


By anonymous at 19,Dec,10 11:48

JESUS CHRIST DIED ON A CROSS SO THAT YOU COULD LIVE!BUT YOU NEED TO ASK HIM TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE.HE WILL NOT INTERFERE.IT'S CALLED FREE WILL.IT'S NOT AN EASY PATH,BUT STAY ON IT AND YOU'LL BE HAPPIER.
By anonymous at 19,Dec,10 19:59

Get over yourself and stop trying to convert people on this website. These people need real solutions, not a fairy tale. Besides, the fact that Jesus knew he would come back to life after he was crucified nullifies the whole thing. What about the thousands or millions of other people that were crucified and just died?
By anonymous at 21,Dec,10 05:23

yeh dont give these people more problems by trying to convert them. life is crazy enough as it is
By anonymous at 21,Dec,10 23:04 Fold Up

A fairy tale? One man dies (incidentally, the Son of the One True God) is raised from the dead, becomes the Sacrificial Lamb that died for your sins and mine, and starts the greatest religion known to man? Jesus was True God and true man, innocent as a lamb led to slaughter, he took on the sin of the world and died for you and for me. Jesus' death reopened the gates of heaven that had been closed since the sin of Adam and Eve. In Jesus alone is there salvation, choose life with Christ or eternal death, you have a free will. Choosing Christ is a real solution.
By mamacita at 24,Apr,13 13:24

This is not the place to get on your religious soapbox. Obviously, the people here are looking for REAL advise from REAL people. WHO CARES WHAT YOU BELIEVE??? If it comforts you, great, but you have no right to shove your personal Jesus down anyone's throat. Obviously, if was that simple, this person would have already thought of it themselves! I am quite sure there are sites out there for people such as yourself who want to sing praises to Jesus. This isn't it, you moron.


By anonymous at 22,Dec,11 01:19

Story of my life. I am just waiting for death to come. I am worthless. People think I am so strong. I am empty. I want to punch people sometimes.


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