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life sucks

Posted by hh at November 21, 2010
Tags: Family  2010 November

sorry for my bad english in advance

i'm 18,egyptian, born in a middle class family , i'm studying dentistry ,another 2 years and i'll be "officially " a dentist
most of my friends are older than me with ( 3-5 ) years ,in all stages of my life ,i never had a friend of my age ( i was born in another country then moved to egypt when i was 9 - education systems 're different )
i always see my father once a year ( a month every year )
he's a college professor in another continent ,my mom is a pharmacist , money isn't a proplem for my family
mom never loved my dad , and dad never loved my mom too , so i don't know why the fuck they have married each other !!before my dad's movement to work outside egypt , my parents daily routine were fighting , fighting and fighting each other , my life and my brothers lifes were so fucked up at this stage especially my older brother's life , both of my parents used to insult him and beat him, he was 18 and i was 13
we have 3 balaconies in our home , 2 of them can see eachother , i were there in one of them , when my older brother jumped and killed himself , i saw everything , and i know that my parents are the killers , but i'm forced to live with them ,i fuckin hate my life , it seems perfect from the outside , but its so fucked up , i remember the death in every moment of my life , my best place is my bed im my room with door closed and tv turned on 24/7 even if idon't watch it , i just feel safe when its on and i don't know why !!
i feel the death is there somewhere watching me , i'm afraid of it , but i know its the only truth in this world , i can't continue my life with thinking in death all the time , i just wake up everyday and go to university just because of the dozens of money my parents paid , my brain cells 're fucked up,the first thing pop in my head when i meet a beautiful lady is an image of her face after 30 or 40 years and that she is going to die , death thoughts is related to every thing in my life , u can call me a pshyco


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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 06,Dec,10 20:53

That is so fucked up. All I can say is time will make you feel better. You will never be completely healed, but some day in the future, you will feel a little better. You should seek professional help and talk about your problems. If you need it, you should also take some happy pills. Good luck.
By The English Professor at 10,Dec,10 16:58

I agree. Seek professional help.

Note to other bloggers, I did not criticize his command of the English language because English is not his native language. I only criticize people's language skills if I believe that improving their language skills will make them more successful in life.
I also rag on people's language skills if I thing that they are blog trolls.


By Night at 07,Dec,10 08:23

That is so sad...

It must be hard for you. You saw your brother die...
I can't imagine how much pain you must have.

But you just have to know, that things will get better.
You'll graduate, be a dentist, and you'll be able to take care of yourself and live your own life, the way you want to.

Keep your head up.

You can do this.


By anonymous at 07,Dec,10 13:56

dude, at least ur rich ... beeing homeless is much worse


By peterbee.myopenid.com at 07,Dec,10 22:42

Hi

Its so sad that you had to see your brother die, but you should not let death control your life. You're among the living, so forget about death. I'm sure you spend much of your time at school and away from your parents, and you should enjoy that time as much as you can. Join a club or something you are interested in. University life is tough, I know, I'm going through it right now, but just you're alone, there are plenty of other people who go to school who are also lonely like you and would love to make friends. You need to forget about death and live and love among the living. I don't know if you are spiritual or if you believe in God, but Jesus said "For he is not a God of the dead, but of the living: for all live unto him" Do not allow death to control your life. Jesus loves you very much and he would love to know you. In the end, once you are done school, you can go anywhere you want. Having a dentistry degree is amazing, and you can pretty much move anywhere you want in the world. You are not a psycho, you just need love, I will be praying for you.


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