i feel no pain but my life ain't easy,i know i am my best friend.it's early morning and i am surrounded by silence,still in my mind there is a war waged and i can't sleep.most of the time i think how things could be if i would made different decisions.i grew up in a pretty fucked up family.my dad was alcoholic and my mom never saw me as an individual,she always looked at me like i was hers invention.she thought that if she gave me life she can program me how to act,what to think,how to talk etc.needless to say that didn't work.so basically i was a fucked up kid,growing up in a family where no one takes you seriously.sure when i was little and cute everyone was proud,but when i reached my teenage and all the "nastyness" from my personality broke loose,it is then when all the shit started to happen.i am not a good person,i say this honestly,though some people who know me says otherwise,but they just don't see whats inside me.you probably know this by yourself,that kids who grew up in problematic families in most of the cases become fucked up too.so...tataaa!i guess i am the one from these many cases.
i done things,bad things...didn't kill a human being though,if you're wondering,but i caused some nasty pain to many people.and you know,i always said,you gotta do what life makes you to do.that was my only rule that i didn't brake.am i proud?i can't say for sure...but in my opinion personal morals are an illusion that people see when they face many things in life.so basically i had none!because of that there was nothing to stop me,so i robed from people.but this is just a candy considering my other activities.
me and my few friends that i had discovered that you can make some decent money by robbing graves...i remember everything so clearly.it's night time,many people are sleeping,but not us.when the moon was at his most beautiful position,we robbed the dead.we took everything that they won't need anymore,but we can surely use it for our sakes.
you know,in our home town we practically robbed every grave.it's hard to believe i know,but whats even harder for me to understand is how we never got caught.i don't really believe at luck,but hey,if thats the case,then i should feel thankful.if i were caught,then damn...i can bet my life would be even bigger pile of shit then it is now.
if you're still reading and don't feel bored,then i guess i caught your attention.
back in those days i was really destructive and pissed of kid.i burned houses,cars,broke things-seek and destroy was my motto.i hated the fact that someone lives so damn easy.but enough of that.if i had to write my life story,it would take a whole damn book and i am just almost 23 years old.
so i met her,when i was 16 years old.i got to admit,my life changed a bit,i didn't have lots of money,didn't have a good education or something certain about my future,but i had her.and at that time i was happy.
it's strange when i think of it,she loved me no matter what.and i was a complete looser.i was a school drop out,my future practically would depend on digging graves,the same ones i robbed,but...she just loved me no matter what.and it felt good.you know that feeling when someone really cares about you?that was it,and it felt fucking good.
before my 18th birthday she moved to my parents house to live with me,we had so many plans what to do with our lives...it didn't work out.we spend few years till we realized that we can't live with only dreams,something needs to be done.money was a problem for us so for her i took the most bad jobs you can imagine,i worked hard and it was really fucking hard,but the thought that i can buy her things kept me happy,so one day after another i worked endlessly.why she wasn't working?well she tried,but when you got poor education you won't get easy jobs.and the reason why she had poor education,was because of me.
i couldn't stand to watch her work,i felt bad about my self that i can't offer everything she wants.so i convinced her to go back and finish school while i will work.she agreed.and even if life was shit for me,somehow i felt good about my self.the thought that one of us is doing something with his life kept me happy.
one evening i was watching a movie when i felt anxiety out of proportions...i was feeling such a big fear of dying that i couldn't pull my self together.that night i couldn't sleep.next morning i went to see a doc.turns out i got anxiety disorder because of all the stress and shit i been through.
next couple of months was literally hell for me.i couldn't sleep at nights because of the anxiety and the medication that i was prescribed took time till it started to work.but some time has passed and with help from my therapist and pills i got better.or so i thought...i quited my job before this event,but the stress at home and constant thoughts about our future affected me in a really bad way.i started to change after using my medication...i didn't felt that something has changed but since other people started to question me about my behavior i started to realized that something is wrong.
i got lazy,really damn lazy.my girlfriend convinced me that since i don't work anymore i should go and finish school,i agreed,but because of my laziness and loss of interest in things i rarely go to school.i gained some extra weight and i spend my days either playing games on pc,sleeping,listening to music or reading books or something that i find on Internet.honestly i don't know what to do with my life anymore.i have a poor education because my parents ignored me,i have no job because of the economic break down,but most importantly i lost desire to do something with my life.i still got my girlfriend,but now i realize that if nothing will change i will loose her.
and to think of it,i had such a big passion and desire to be a musician...only if my parents belied at me,things would have been different.somehow i know this is true.and yeah,practically there is nothing stopping me now for doing what i want (or should) do,but in human life there are things that can mess you up pretty bad.things that are hard to forget or to let go.we get surrounded by these feelings and we loose control.it is then when you realize that life sucks.
sure my story isn't what you could call "worst case scenario",there are kids in Ethiopia who starve to death.life for them is really hard,but i guess my story is about a modern man and about problems that modern man face.in the end only us who lived problematic lives can truly understand how life sucks.
at the edge of a hole is better then at its bottom. | |
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