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this barley sums it up, but life SUCKS

Posted by Caleb at November 7, 2010
Tags: Attitude  Juvenile problems  2010 November

This is a really JUICY story so where do I begin. I know nothing I can say will ever sum up everything that just makes me feel worthless and shitty. But I’ll give it a go. I’m a male, 16 years old and I am a sophomore in high school. First off, I really don’t want you to feel sorry for me this is just a way to vent. I HATE myself. I who I am is such a curse. I’m fat, ugly. I’ve never been as smart or as strong willed as the rest of my friends and family. Have you ever seen someone and just thought "wow he looks like the biggest fucking asshole I’ve ever seen" and just instantly hate them? That is me completely. I’m the most naturally unlikable person and I wouldn’t mind if even when they got to know me they would change the way they think of me. But after getting to know me they hate me even MORE. And as far I know I don’t do ANYTHING. I don’t hurt them. Im a very nice person and I don’t bash on my friends, but there’s just something about me that radiates haltered into people’s minds. I hate my voice. It makes me sound like a complete douche bag. It’s so annoying and no one can stand me. All my friends hate me. They don’t like me they just tolerate me. The only reason I even see them is because of school or the band I’m in with them. I always make the plans if we do something and if it was not for those two things I would fade away from their mind. That’s all I ever have been is just in the background. I’ve never been that one special friend. I’ve never been some ones best friend. Just an acquaintance or a nuisance. I hate my laugh which is also irritating as fuuuuck. I hate my hair, my face my whole appearance. Just everything about me is horrible. I have a tiny penis so i have pretty low self confidence and along with being overweight it just naturally brings me down even more. I hate the way walk. It also makes me look like a douche but I don’t do anything on purpose it’s just my natural walk! I can’t help it! I’m not "cool" and I’m really awkward around everyone. I can’t just carry on a conversation with someone without them wanting to re-enact the scene from airplane when the guy lights himself on fire after listening to that guys story! Whenever anyone’s around me they wish they were somewhere else. Away from me, and when I’m having fun but no one else is because I’m there what the fuck is the point of even having fun in the first place. I can honestly say I’m very depressed. I cry sometimes realizing these horrible traits will never leave me and I’ll be alone forever to a doomed fate of loneliness and a life full of hatred. I don’t want to be one of those people with just a plain sad life but I know I will be. Like I said I’m really awkward and especially around guys because I’m secretly gay. Ha-ha I know it keeps getting juicier and juicier. I haven’t even come out of the closet yet and it’s KILLING ME. Girls just don’t do it for me and it took me a while to accept that fact. I really want to be straight SO BADLY. So I can just be one more step to becoming normal.i want to have an average life where i can fall in love with a girl and have a family. have relationsips in high school and just fit in better all aound.i cant tell you how much being gay sucks. its so fucking hard and i want to kill myself becuase of it. makes me feel so alone and disconncted with my friends and family. why couldnt i have just been straight?! But alas I’m just one of gods complete fuck ups. Nothing good about my life and I’m stuck with it. Envying everyone around me, this brings me onto my next topic. "Friends" as I explained before don’t really exist to me. But they ARE MY LIFE. I’m a teenager and the only people who kind of get me are my friends. My life revolves around being with my friends and it kills me because they all hate me. I know it. I’m also extremely paranoid about everything but don’t say thats why I think all these things. I asked one of my closest friends if he hated me and he said "sometimes I just fucking hate you..." and I wanted to die right there because I knew "sometimes" was really ALWAYS you’re a fucking DICK! It’s going to get even better so stay tuned! This was a good segway to the thing I care about THE MOST in my ENTIRE LIFE. Hes one of my friends and I’m in love with him. Deep romantic love, and I think about him constantly. My life revolves around him and he means the most out of anyone in my life. I would die for him I LOVE HIM.and the fact that he will never share the same feelings for me hurts me the most.he is my true love but since it will 100% NEVER work out i reaized today i will never be happy no matter what. the biggest thing in my life will always be missing and no matter what i do it wont change. its a horrible feeling without hope. anyway It took me forever to realize I loved him but it just hit me after spending the night with some friends at his house. I love everything about him. He is absolutely perfect and I’m completely jealous of him but I can’t sand to be without him at the same time! He is very attractive all the girls just adore him. EVERYONE DOES. Hes one of those kids you look at and go "what a cool kid I want to know him so badly" has my polar opposite so he completes me. On top of being attractive has just all around likeable in every category. He’s funny, and just amazing. I don’t know how else to describe him. the way he talks and the way he handles situations are just so cool and he always knows what to do or what to say. And the part about him that makes me jealous the most is HE DOSNT EVEN TRY. Hes just himself completely and people just fall head over heels for him. I want to hate him so badly but I can’t. Because has just so perfect and I can’t live without him. He literally saved me from killing myself. Has just lightens up my day and I’m only truly happy when I’m around him. I’m lost without him. And now with my confessions of my feelings for him this is where the story gets rely fucked up. I’m completely in love with him but he dsnt even like me as a friend. HES IN LOVE WITH MY SISTER! they both love eachother more than anyhting. My sister was the only person who actually liked me in my life and he has stolen her away from me. She means allot to me and I have a very special and close relationship with her but she would rather tell him her deepest secrets and talk to him during the day. Once again I’m just thrown in the backseat. They just recently confessed their love for each other and they have been dating for 2 months. they make out in front of me, hold hands, cuddle, and even touch eachothers junk infront of me. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANA DIE WHEN I SEE THAT?! Did I mention she’s 18 and has 15!!! That how amazing this kid is at life! I’ve been supporting the whole cause, but it’s so weird because I need him but I’ll never be that to him. It will always be my fucking sister. My parents don’t even care for me much. I’m a disappointment in my dad’s eyes because I suck at school and sports just are NOT my thing. I love music and he hates the fact I don’t want to revolve my life around what he wants. Both my parents think I’m a nuisance and hate talking to me. Everything I say they just get mad at and finally don’t even respond to me. I feel so alone and I hate it. The only good quality about me is I’m very funny. But lately (the past 2 years) with my depression has come a complete deterieration of who I am. I’m not outgoing anymore and like I said when I’m with groups of people I fade into the background .but without the "special" friend I talked about even trying the whole world FUCKING REVOLVES AROUND HIM. I try too hard to get my friends to like me and I turn into a different person. I have no real personality and how I act is just a compilation of all my friends personalities mashed into one complete fuck up of a body so it just dsnt work out. There’s so much more I can’t stand about myself and my life. And when I think about it I want to but a fucking hole in my head there’s allot more little things that just pile up into massive amounts of shit. I’ll never love someone as special as who I do now. I just want what he has. A perfect personality and perfect family. And I want love in my life that has a chance of working out. i want to be him i just WANT TO BE HAPPY. PLEASE IM NOT ALRIGHT. WHY CANT I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPYYYY!! Isnt that all we want? anyway... I can’t think of anything else. Tell me what you think of my life story so far....fml so hard


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Similar Entries:
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I´ll sum up your problems March 4, 2010
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I don't understand why I was born April 13, 2012
It all just sucks June 19, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 01:14

okay, look, i haven't even read your entire entry. you need to suround yourself with people like yourself. it's okay to be gay. even if you choose not to come out of the closet, just move somewhere after you graduate where you can be openly gay. now, are you real gay or just turned gay due to personal reasons? i have faith in you that you can live a normal life. be assured, all this high school drama is merely drama. it gets better after you graduate. kids are immature and haven't really experienced anything to open their minds. keep that in mind. you are dealing with close minded people here. stop hating yourself. i support your gayness! i'd rather be gay, but i am not. how does that sound, huh? just stay yourself and the others will remain themselves, and probably will still be on the same page for the rest of thier lives. just move somewhere or go to school somewhere where you can dorm where i high percentage of gays are. that's your best bet to do in life. you're not the only one that is gay. all gay people suffer this self-hatred before they come out. maybe its a good idea to keep it in the closet for a while.it seems like you are dealing with a lot of jerks. and by the way, what kind of "friends" would hate you? you should ditch them because apparently, they are not doing you any good. they are just bringing you down. you don't need that.
good luck!


By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 01:22

I wish I knew who you were I'd give you a hug and tell you you're awesome.be bold be fearless and own who you are no matter what.


By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 02:02

nothing is perfect


By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 02:10

Paragraphs are your friend. Learn to use them. After the first 10 sentences it gets really difficult to read. Anyways, sounds like you were born shitty.
By anonymous at 22,Nov,10 08:26

Shut up, you nasty pig.
By anonymous at 24,Nov,10 21:08

but hes right


By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 17:31

i want to totally be ur friend!!!!!!!!
i have a similar problem myself, if it weren't for me trying to make plans, i would fade to the background...
:(


By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 18:06

I don't think i'd have a problem being your friend either since i find myself doing a lot of the things you are doing- just to keep friends & when you think really hard about it- they're not even worth it.


By anonymous at 21,Nov,10 16:31

Hmm, of all the stories I've read on this page, this seems the most like mine. I'm 15 and a sophomore, the differences between my story and yours are probably the fact that I'm not gay, and I don't have any friends at all, let alone any of them who actually like me. I'm too fucking shy to talk to anybody, let alone girls. I live in a town where all the other guys are perfect, they all have fucking six-packs and all. I support your homosexuality, check out HomophobiaWatch on YouTube for support with that. I know what you mean when you see those guys who get girls by doing fucking nothing at all, i hate those people too. Along with everybody popular, I myself have begun thinking some pretty fucked up thoughts. I would be your friend, if i knew who you are. Hang in there. There are others out there like you.


By anonymous at 22,Nov,10 08:38

You're ina really difficult situiation, life is very difficult, it isn't full of nice people, it isn't easy and it can't be perfect.

It's hard to be young, it's hard to be gay and it's hard to be lonely.

Those people dont sound like true friends, if they don't accept you for the way you look, talk or laugh, then they obviously don't like you, you have two choices here, find new friends, or become as fake as they are, I imagine what they don't like about you is your honesty, you don't seem like a liar or a bullshitter, you know what you think and feel and aren't afraid to ask peoples opinions or announce your own.

There isn't anything wrong with this, I'm like this myself, but people seem not to like it, yeah go figure, people want people to be honest, then the truth hurts and they don't like you, they don't want the truth, they don't want to be lied to, all you can do is sugar coat a lie for them.

Don't be embarrssed of who you are, so what if you have a bit of weight on you, so what if your laugh annoys you, so what if you walk funny, we all think stuff about ourselves is shit, if you don't love yourself, no-one else will, and you have so little self esteem, you focus on everything you're not rather than what you are, you're obviously good in your band, or your 'friends' wouldnt let you do it with them, you're obviously not stupid you know what you don't like and what you would change.

The problem with depression is that you get sucked into it, and walk around with along face in your own pain hoping that someone will notice and say 'are you okay' no-one ever asks, you just get labelled moody, needy or miserable.

You'll find that one true friend, it doesnt happen at the same time as everyone, you'll meet someone and know whether you trust the and if they really like you. If one of your friends says something like that to you aagin about hating you, say back to them 'Yeah well the feelings mutual', in this world we can't depend on other people to rescue us or save us when we're sad, the only person who truly knows you, is you.

You need to work on yourself before anyone else can enter into your life, you need to think that if you're not happy with your weight, stop eating so much, don't eat because you're sad or lonely, as for your voice and walk, they wont be going anywhere so you need to accept them, if other people don't like them, they're free to get out of your presence.

As for being gay, thats your decision, and when you're ready you'll tell, and if people arent happy for you then thats their problem, as for being in love with you friend, you kow it isn't going to happen, you need to let it go and work on yourself for a better future.


By anonymous at 28,Nov,10 10:21

Just quit being so Gayyyyy!


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