My dad died two years ago. I'm now 18.
I look after my little brothers and sisters while mum works. There is a 2 year old a 3 yr old, a 10 yr old, and a 14 yr old. The older kids are in school and the younger kids normally go to daycare, so it's not like I'm stuck with them all the time which is good.
I left high school after Yr 10. I couldn't understand the whole social thing, and I learned nothing I already knew. I went to an art school for a few years but it became harder to lift up a paintbrush- knowing whatever I painted would be shit. I had a job at a doll company for a while writing children's stories, but after dad died I couldn't write no matter how hard I forced myself.
I went to a bible college to study ethics and the Old Testament- but all I could do was audit because I knew I wouldn't be able to hand anything in.
I worked in checkout after that.
I recently quit because even that felt impossible to maintain.
I just sit at home now.
I'm a waste of space.
It is easy to tell someone to JUST DO IT. I know people have it worse than me. But I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I don't eat for days at a time sometimes. Sometimes all I do is sleep. I literally can't do anything to save my life. I feel so pathetic because I know all it would take is to get up and get a job, and buy myself food and a place to stay. I wouldn't even need a very good job. Heaps of people are surviving on the minimum wage. But all I do is sponge off my mother.
I take medication for my depression but it doesn't work. I'm on 60mg of duloxetine a day, and I've tried other drugs before like escitalopram but nothing fucking works. My grandma is taking me to the hospital again next week to see what the doctor thinks I should do.
I just want to die.
But if I died it would cause my family pain. So I'm not allowed to die. But sometimes I think it would be better if I did. | |
It's nice to read!
India is a fascinating country, peopled with fascinating folks. Someday I hope to experience it for myself albeit maybe just as a tourist but still......a guy can dream.
But if I died it would cause my family pain. So I'm not allowed to die. But sometimes I think it would be better if I did."
I know that feeling. It's like been stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd rather run away to some distant place and leave a note to my family telling them that I am alive and I love them but I just wanted to be by myself. That would cause your family far less pain than if you take your life. Maybe after running away and you go through some soul searching you'll get a new perspective on life and you might want to reunite with your family and live life to the fullest again.
But how about if we change it so it doesnīt suck anymore???? If everybody who killed himself and who wants to kill himself/herself did something to change this world instead it would be much much better already. Letīs unite and do something instead of committing suicide.
search on google for: EQUAL MONEY ORGANIZATION and DESTENI GROUP... and you will find help and practical solutions
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