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untitled story

Posted by anonymous at November 5, 2010
Tags: Attitude  2010 November

My dad died two years ago. I'm now 18.
I look after my little brothers and sisters while mum works. There is a 2 year old a 3 yr old, a 10 yr old, and a 14 yr old. The older kids are in school and the younger kids normally go to daycare, so it's not like I'm stuck with them all the time which is good.
I left high school after Yr 10. I couldn't understand the whole social thing, and I learned nothing I already knew. I went to an art school for a few years but it became harder to lift up a paintbrush- knowing whatever I painted would be shit. I had a job at a doll company for a while writing children's stories, but after dad died I couldn't write no matter how hard I forced myself.
I went to a bible college to study ethics and the Old Testament- but all I could do was audit because I knew I wouldn't be able to hand anything in.
I worked in checkout after that.
I recently quit because even that felt impossible to maintain.
I just sit at home now.
I'm a waste of space.
It is easy to tell someone to JUST DO IT. I know people have it worse than me. But I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I don't eat for days at a time sometimes. Sometimes all I do is sleep. I literally can't do anything to save my life. I feel so pathetic because I know all it would take is to get up and get a job, and buy myself food and a place to stay. I wouldn't even need a very good job. Heaps of people are surviving on the minimum wage. But all I do is sponge off my mother.
I take medication for my depression but it doesn't work. I'm on 60mg of duloxetine a day, and I've tried other drugs before like escitalopram but nothing fucking works. My grandma is taking me to the hospital again next week to see what the doctor thinks I should do.
I just want to die.
But if I died it would cause my family pain. So I'm not allowed to die. But sometimes I think it would be better if I did.


Votes:


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Comments:
By anonymous at 14,Nov,10 11:46

Get out more, join a club. I joined a reptile club recently and now I raise pink-toed tarantulas. Cute girls love them, go figure, I guess it is the pink toes or something. I get $50 for every captive bred arachnid I sell!


By B-Don at 14,Nov,10 23:33

Try smoking some weed. It will make life suck a little less.


By anonymous at 15,Nov,10 00:56

Hang in there. Your story makes me sad and yet I see all this potential in some of the things you've done. yeah, the world sucks. I'm a comfortable, succesful 40+ mom and society sucks and people don't get nicer or any more helpful. Find yourself, find God, get some help. Hold fast.


By anonymous at 15,Nov,10 01:17

damn i feel you im a piece of shit also


By anonymous at 15,Nov,10 01:35

I was sitting home for 3 months in my room depressed, my best pal called cops on me because I was not answering the phone, he thought I was suicidal. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone, a lot of people on earth are tired of life, but might as well give a shot at living and even if you do not find happiness within yourself maybe you can find it reflected from your brothers and sisters when you help them or a future husband.


By anonymous at 15,Nov,10 09:53

You say you know that all it would take is to get up and get a job. Well, get your arse into gear, take yourself by the scruff of the neck and JFDI. JUST FUCKING DO IT.


By anonymous at 16,Nov,10 02:48

My dear friend life here in India is still worse. If u go to the villages u can see people who r too poor, with lots of mouths to feed, illiterate and ignorant. yet people smile inspite of their hardships and don'nt contemplate suicide. They rather drift through life knowing that life is afterall temporary. So dear laugh, smile and be happy and positive inspite of ur problems and one fine day u will realize that after all life is not that bad. May God bless u.
By anonymous at 16,Nov,10 11:59

shiva says sup
By anonymous at 21,Nov,10 23:44

May god bless you as well, sounds like someone has got a keen sense of perspective!

It's nice to read!

India is a fascinating country, peopled with fascinating folks. Someday I hope to experience it for myself albeit maybe just as a tourist but still......a guy can dream.


By anonymous at 16,Nov,10 17:24

"I just want to die.
But if I died it would cause my family pain. So I'm not allowed to die. But sometimes I think it would be better if I did."

I know that feeling. It's like been stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd rather run away to some distant place and leave a note to my family telling them that I am alive and I love them but I just wanted to be by myself. That would cause your family far less pain than if you take your life. Maybe after running away and you go through some soul searching you'll get a new perspective on life and you might want to reunite with your family and live life to the fullest again.


By gregwiater at 18,Nov,10 07:33

Life sucks in this world... but all of this is our fault. We have allowed it. Of course it seems as if it would be easier to kill myself and escape this never ending suffering in this reality.
But how about if we change it so it doesnīt suck anymore???? If everybody who killed himself and who wants to kill himself/herself did something to change this world instead – it would be much much better already. Letīs unite and do something instead of committing suicide.
search on google for: EQUAL MONEY ORGANIZATION and DESTENI GROUP... and you will find help and practical solutions


By anonymous at 20,Nov,10 16:26

Look i feel the weed comment, but shit aint for everybody. Look man sorry about your dad, but he gone and aint shit you can do, but man the fuck up. I know is tough but sitting around mopening aint how you get things off the brain. You seem to be a pretty brite cat with some extradinary gifts. Buy yourself some condoms and let off some stress. Man its seem you do carry alot of burden but pimping aint easy. You better start enjoying your life, I have four son and a daughter and if i die i dont want them to be sad and im sure your dad would feel the same way.


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