I lurk this page a lot, because seeing other people suffer seems to make me feel at peace. I read a lot of sad stories that are legitimately tragic, either due to illness, catastrophe, or some sort of huge, unexpected loss. these don’t make me feel any better.
The ones I like are usually the ones posted by kids in their teens and up through their late twenties. Im in that age group, so I can relate in that way. But that’s not all - what makes me feel better about their stories is the fact that I see them teetering on the same ledge I’ve recently jumped off, between being a “normal” person in pain and being somebody like me - a budding sociopath.
My story is pretty typical, at least in precepts. I’m a suburban white late-born (parents in their 40s when they had me) only child from America, with a Dad who didn’t give a shit to be a role model and a Mom with severe depression, an alcohol problem which CAN NEVER be brought up, and personality disorder. She’s always been neglected, nobody loves her, we’re all holding her back, etc. My Mom cheats on my Dad, who responds by doing nothing, and I’m forced to move to the small town’s ghetto with my Mom so she can “be a real woman”. Her idea of being a real woman includes trying to fix even more fucked-up men with sex and nagging, and then when that doesn’t work, she eventually resents them to the point where they pay her to leave (but more often it’s vice versa). I was treated more like luggage growing up than as a person, and I attended a total of 7 different schools in 3 states before I got my diploma. The only exception to my parent’s apathy towards raising me was my grades - if I didn’t make honor roll, I was grounded and normally smacked a few times too. This stemmed from scoring a tenth-grade level reading assignment in second grade, and as a result I skipped third grade. My math skills were horrendous and I was nearly held back in 4th grade, which my mom couldn’t really put together the reason for after her late afternoon’s half pint of vodka. So I had to usually spend 4 to 5 hours a night doing homework I didn’t understand because the cunt couldn’t accept that I wasn’t a genius. This pattern lasted till about the 8th grade, after I was kicked out of my private school in the 7th grade during the post-Columbine witch hunt and I began being totally ignored other than being used for chores and getting screamed at over mundane shit. My dad died around this time too, and nobody cared how I felt. I was told to shut up and grow up, and then my mom flew us out 2500 miles away to fuck her first husband in lieu of paying rent.
I was never tolerated by most people as a kid. We lived in a pretty conservative area during most of my upbringing where my mother’s behavior really stood out. Most parents didn’t want their kids hanging out with me because I was the weird fat kid with a whore for a mother. The only time we had people over was when we were spending a ton of money on entertainment for others. When the parties were over, we received a filthy house and no thanks, no friends. We were largely used, mocked, and tossed out of social circles (including two churches, so if you’re about to post anything religious, don’t. I will make you cry over the computer). I began learning that relationships with people weren’t worth my effort by the end of middle school. My mom will seemingly never learn, she likes the abuse I guess. I learned by the tenth grade that’s its easier to just appear like a typical, friendly idiot and get what I need then to actually connect with anybody in society.
I have been unofficially expelled from two schools because I scare the shit out of most people. They let me finish out the semester at home and tell me not to come back the next semester. I stalk and harass women. I make cops nervous, and since I’m 6’3 and over 320 pounds and very obviously not at all scared by them, they don’t hassle me. I once kicked a kid with a back brace down a set of tile stairs for calling me a fat fuck, and laughed at him as they called the ambulance. Some Girl Scout mom made a rude comment towards my outfit at a cookie sale at the bank once, and I spat on her and called her a cunt in front of the troop and the other moms. Since nobody knows me, I never heard about it again. I fly off the handle with people who think they can shake me with snide attitudes and “rules”. I don’t give a shit about rules. I don’t give a shit about contributing to a fucked-up species, even though I’ve got a college education and a good work ethic once I find my motivation (cash, grass or ass). I get what I want and then retreat back to my world, and if somebody crosses the line I have a ton of creative ways to make things even.
So how do I live? I’m 23 and am living back at home, and leeching. I smoke weed constantly and haven’t even applied for a job in well over a month. I can get jobs easily, even in this economy, because I’m such a charming fellow. Until you hire me. And then you expect me to respect your authority. And then you realize that that’s not happening, and that you’d better stay the fuck out of my way. I’ve never been fired, I get laid off with unemployment benefits because I WILL make a scene. My mom sat down with me the other day and told me that she’s grieving for me, that I’m dying emotionally. Just goes to show how much she ever really knew me. My emotions died off some eight years ago. The best part is, now I get to be the ulcer in her life that she was to me growing up. And she can’t do shit about it. I’m the only able-bodied family she’s got, so she needs me around.
I hope that there are kids out there who read this, and realize that even though I sound sickly content for having this lifestyle, I’m not. At the end of the day, I know that I just wasted another day as a fuck up. Everybody who has ever trusted me or befriended me wants nothing to do with me, and for some reason I can’t accept that as being a negative thing. I feel that other people slow me down, like my mom used to. But the irony there is that I don’t do shit, and I haven’t really done shit in 10 months. Hopefully, someday I’ll find the right distraction that will keep me from thinking too much, since that’s always been my problem. Weed used to help me but now it’s just a habit I can’t seem to break for more than a couple weeks at a time. I went to regular, frequent therapy for 6 months and all the guy could say was “it’s the weed”. Bullshit. It’s lazy fucking therapists is what it is. You could tell them that something legitimately horrible like a night-long gang rape happened to you and the immediate response is, “It’s in the past. It shouldn’t shape your future. It’s your attitude that’s messed up. Grow up and pull yourself together.” Basically, shut up, be happy like the Ice-T sketch goes. Luckily I was able to make the stupid little Jewish man happy enough to send me on my way, and now here we are again. Back to Life Sucks, and I Just Don’t Give a Fuck, the creedo thats getting more popular by the day.
And lastly, to all of you who want to post, “you sound like a pussy, a punk, an asshole,” Yeah, you’re all right. But you know what? I’d bet anything that since you’re on this page, you are too. And what makes it worse for you is that most of you probably have to work very hard for the dink-ass lives that you have. And the worst? You’re probably just gonna keep repeating that pattern of trusting, then getting fucked by others, until they eventually fuck you to death. Have fun. | |
Now you fat fuck there is a God okay?? It may seem Jesus has forsaken us but he is always watching he is a perfect.
I used to smoke weed all the time, however, I knew I had to quit. Since I've quit I've gained a lot of clarity. This clarity allowed me to gain some perspective and direction.
You don't have to go to work for someone else to be self-reliant. You can start your own business, legal or otherwise. I suggest you do the same.
I lurk here for interesting reasons. I was raised by neurotic parents who had an IQ about room temperature. I had an IQ way above average and because nobody understood me, they thought I was dumb (I was secretly reading books about electronics, geology, mathematics, etc. since I was six years old). Since I was one of the smallest kids in school, I learned how to fade into the background so that I was not harassed by bullies (who had an IQ about room temperature). Since I am not very tall, people think that I am dumb, as if physical height is proportional to intelligence. During grade school, I would socialize with the two other intelligent kids at school, where we would trade books on advanced mathematics and science. We would hide our college text books behind copies of Mad Magazine, so other kids and teachers would leave us alone.
Having a genius IQ in a world full of normals can be stressful at times. Sometimes I find myself talking to friends and wondering why they simply can't understand the difference between a quark and a lepton, I mean is this all that complicated? (quarks and leptons are NOT names of the aliens in Galaxyquest© 1999) I also sometimes wonder why most people I meet do not know the value of Planck's Constant, even though every physical item in the world is somewhat defined by this number. (it is 6.626068 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, duh!)
A final note: what I learned from life is that there are basically two types of people in the world, the wolves and the sheep. The wolves like to prey on others for the pleasure of hurting others. Sheep tend to just get preyed upon by wolves and do not attempt to defend themselves. The sheep do not know that wolves are basically cowards and will back off when their potential victims assert their willingness to fight back.
Glad you are aware of your own "smarts" but you won't get many friends having conversations such as the one above.
It makes you sound very conceited and lame!
Hold on to the friends you already have 'cause you're way to smart for the rest of us! SIGH..... "geniuses" can act so superficial and self absorbed too, ya know.
Plus, show more respect for your mother. No matter what she may be, she is the one who gave birth to you.
A: automatically supposed to have little to no self-esteem thanks to the western way of equating body image with social value
B: since they're so big, they can;t fight back or else they're automatically in trouble for being in a one sided fight (usually instigated by some little shit like the back brace kid, or the girl scout mom).
Kid, if you care about becoming self reliant, cut down on the weed and pay no mind to the other assholes on the planet. Make a little bit of money doing what you can do and find something that you can tolerate doing for a living. Someone like you should have the goal of being your own boss, since like you I've learned first hand that being crapped on your whole life leads to an intolerance of authority by any other human. Get to work and stop looking for other people to back you up. Fuck em.
But how about if we change it so it doesn´t suck anymore???? If everybody who killed himself and who wants to kill himself/herself did something to change this world instead – it would be much much better already. Let´s unite and do something instead of committing suicide.
search on google for: EQUAL MONEY ORGANIZATION and DESTENI GROUP... and you will find help and practical solutions… you will also find me there on the forum
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