LIFE SUCKS

just needed to get this off of my cheast.

first a little back-story on me.

look, i came from (and still belong to) a great, supporting, loving family. i did not grow up rich, but i did not grow up poor either. there were times we were tight, and times we could live it up a bit.

i am the last person who you could classify with social anxiety disorder. but i currently have barely any friends in the current town i live in. i hate my job, even though it is a "real world" job for a good company (though they compensate their employees like the banking equivalent of mickey d's), and it affords me the ability to slack off for a good while during the work day. but that is where the problem lies, this job, quite frankly, i feel is beneath me. i know that sounds super arrogant, but seriously. it is. the two highest paid people on my team, and the ones who are career wise furthest along do not have college degrees. others have degrees from "blow x private christian university" or "pick a directional or small town university." i though i started at a small college, because i did not have the grades exiting high school, i busted my balls my first year and got the eff out of there to a great school in the big ten. enough about that. bottom line is, my job offers me zero fulfillment, and this bloody job market is about as fruitful as an arab desert.

i took this job in a city that i knew i didn't know many people, because i; survey says: chased a girl. and like all stories like that, it did not work out, and even though we are still friends, we barely talk anymore. not i am stuck in a town with next to no friends, i no longer date women (because dating sites where really the only way for me to meet most of the girls i have dated in the 2+ years i have lived here, but the online meeting people thing fails for more reasons than i care to get into here), and i hate my job. utterly positively hate my job. one of my two roommates might be one of the biggest Dbags i have ever known for a period of time longer than 5 min., mostly because i am now stuck living with him, and am thus forced into a situation of social interaction, my other roommate, though a great guy, has less of a social life than i do; and though his job is basically the same as mine, he works for a better company because his dad works there and gets paid roughly 25k/yer more than i... and yes he went to blow x directional school.

it's just really tough for me right now. i turn 26 tomorrow. and i basically hate my life. i feel that it has become completely stagnant, and having been stuck in the same place in my life now for a while... it feels like my life is literally passing me by. let me reiterate, i feel like what should be the best years of my life, are passing me by. yes it would be nice if my job paid me what i feel i am worth. but honestly, i just want to be around my friends. but i can't move to them because of my job and the job market. i would say i would move back to my home town to be more near my family, whom i love very much, but it is a giant town (read: not city) that is in and of itself a giant suburb and i like the city.

going from a life where i have never had a lack of a social life to where i am now has become beyond depressing to me. and when i talk about things with people, they are always like well think of what you do have. well i am sorry, but i say eff that. i am so bloody sick of people telling me that there are other people worse off than i am. that is a spoon full of bullshit i cannot swallow any longer. sure it was true for me at first. but now i think to my self if i should think: i should be glad have a great family, i should be glad i at least have a job, i should be glad i at least have a roof over my head, i should be glad i do not have cancer, i should be glad i can walk, i should be glad i have control over my bowel movements, i should be glad i am not impotent, i should be glad i have the motor skills to tie my own shoes, put the spoon into my mouth, and color inside the lines, i should be glad my fingers are not made of hot dogs otherwise my dog would eat them.... WTF. look, i really, really do care about those persons who are in worse off situations than i. i think children with cancer, women who have men that beat them, kids who are raised by lousy/abusive parents, people who live in africa, india, china, the PRK etc., and people who just generally didn't get a good shake in life are all things worthy of sympathy and charitable funds. but i will be damned if i am going to listen to that bullshit anymore. how is feeling sorry for someone else who has some bad situation that you don't going to improve your situation? it doesn't, i just think it makes me more depressed knowing that there are people out there like that, and i couldn't or wouldn't want to know how they feel, let alone be in a worse off situation. but thinking of all the negatives and people who always try to get you to look at, what is in my opinion, back-handed silver lining, can just leave me the hell alone and save their "what if you had X situation" bull crap for someone else. it's patronizing, arrogant, ignorant, and just a stupid as way for people to try to make you look on the bright side of things. bright side... like yea, i don't have AIDS, good for me, now how the hell is that supposed to make me happier. i honestly think it's something people say just to avoid hearing you bitch because they really are not interested in hearing what you have to say or really listening to what you are saying as opposed to just wanting to move the conversation onward. when really, what they should say is; "yea that does kind of suck" offer some way to try to help, continue to just listen, offer legitimate advise, or offer to go out for a beer.

to all the folks out there who think about suicide...

don't.

listen, i am not one to give lectures to other people about their lives or how they should run them. but like you, i have in my life thought about suicide my fair share of times.

i know that depression had caused it in the past, but even though now i feel depressed, i do not think it is because of a chemical imbalance in my brain.

but it is never worth it. like most people on here i would agree that it will hurt the people around you in your life more than you could possibly know whether or not you think they care about you.

so even though right now i am depressed, and i have randomly thought of just jumping off a bridge, i won't and couldn't because though things suck now, i know some how, some way, at some point, they will get better. maybe not actually, but maybe i will adjust.

i just try to keep faith in God. i know some people do not believe in God or a god, and that is fine for them. it is just one way that i personally try to deal with it. i just try to keep the faith.

either way. i am done. i just wanted to get this off my chest, get it out there, and put it in writing. i don't care if anyone reads it or responds to it. but if you do, and it helps or you can relate, then i am glad i wrote it.

take care.