I suffer from depression. I take medication for it but that barely scratches the surface. For a long time I had a job that I really liked, but my boss retired and closed the business. I got another similar job which meant relocating halfway across the country. It was a financial strain to get here but I just managed it. I paid to get all my furniture and belongings, and my cats, I found a place to live, signed a 12 month lease. Then my new boss decided that I wasn't suitable for the job after all, even though it was essentially the same job I had been doing for more than ten years. What a bitch! Nothing I did was right, she picked at me all the time and the powers-that-be took her side. I swear to God that I did nothing major wrong, just the usual mistakes anyone makes learning a new job, but she jumped on everything and totally destroyed my confidence.
By being in the right place at the right time I had a succession of casual & part-time jobs for a few months, including being a supermarket checkout chick for a few weeks. Standing up all day is too much for someone my age, I couldn't handle it.
I have finally managed to get a fulltime permanent job with a bank. Only problem is, I hate it! Who gives a fuck about bank accounts, not me. I hate having to sell people something I don't believe in and that they don't really need. I go to work to earn money to pay the rent so I can have somewhere to live while I go to work to pay the rent....
Now I have to move house. My landlord's son is moving here and needs the house to live in. So I'm househunting, which is hard when I don't have a car and have to rely on the charity of relatives to take me to open houses.
That's another issue. I was always too scared to get my driver's licence when I was younger, and now I couldn't afford a car even if I had a licence. It's buses or taxis if I want to go anywhere, which means I can't just pop places if I want to.
Both my parents are dead. I have siblngs, but they regard me as the black sheep, the family loser, even though they don't say it, I feel it in their dealings with me. Actually, one of my brothers referred to me as the family charity case just the other day. The only thing that keeps me going is my cat.You may think that sounds pathetic, but it is nice to have something that loves me unconditionally. It's the first time in my life that has happened.
I have a sort of plan to sort out my life. I need to find a decent place to live, get someone to share with me to help with the rent, find a better paid job that I like, pay off my huge credit car debt (debt that I built up moving across the country and expected to be able to pay back from my new well-paid job, what a fucking joke), pay back debts owed to family members, get my licence and a car, and get a job transfer back to the coast and out of this shithole of a city. I'm pretty sure it will all go wrong, though, things usually do.
They say money doesn't buy happiness but when you don't have if, it buys a lot of misery. I get so pissed off when I hear about people earning millions of dollars or having companies worth billions when I struggle along from pay to pay. It all seems so pointlessn and hopeless. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. | |
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