LIFE SUCKS

Strong enough

i knew all along that all i really need is to tell my story to someone - but i just didn't know how. at least i'll try.

unlike some people, my life didn't have a point when it just suddenly became real bad - it sucked all along. i was just too young to realize this before. i'm only going 15 now, and i guess most of you will probably be like: omg, she's too young to worry about things like that - her life isn't even that bad. and i guess you're right - i don't starve, i'm not getting raped by my father, and i have my own house. but i never said that my life is a total disaster - it's just really disappointing.

i was born in a small country called Lithuania - it's near Russia. i lived there for 10 years. my parents got a divorce when i was around 3 - before that every day was filled with scandals. i can remember them clearly, they had a huge impact on me. i'd say the main reason for my parents' fights was my mom's drinking problem & my dad's nerve problem. my grandma's bitchiness had it's role in it too.

ever since the divorce EVERYTHING went wrong. you see, my dad was building that huge useless house on the outskirts of the city, & to build it, we had to sell our old apartment & move in to my grandma's place, and then we had to sell my grandma's apartment as well! we had to loan quite a lot of money from my dad's friends & bank. after my parents got the divorce, they had to split the house into 2, & both of them had to pay a lot of taxes & bills, even though nobody even lived in it. my parents didn't have enough money to pay for anything, so my dad went abroad to try & get a better job & would come home only 1-2 times a year for a few weeks (the employment in our small country was & still is really low)& my mom had to work on 2 jobs, as a cleaner & illegally sell smokes at the square in the main village.

i had to live with my grandma, renting a room in an apartment, because my dad didn't want me to live with mom - he thought she wasn't able to look after me. on the other hand, my elder sister, who is 10 years older then me,"lived" with my mom - in reality, she came home only few time a week, if she needed money, or just wanted to sleep at home. i don't blame her - she hated our family more than anything else in this world. i, in contrary, loved my parents & grandma as much as anyone could love someone.

i never had anything that other kids my age had: goos clothes ( i had to wear second hand clothes), toys, holidays to warm places with beaches & palm trees. but i never complained - i guess i was too young. i always thought that's the way it's meant to be. the only "luxury" that i actually had was TV: we had that small old TV, that my uncle have given to us. but we had cable television as well - i loved it. we didn't have it for long, but all that time that we did have it was probably one of the happiest time of my childhood. we had that kids channel called "FoxKids" - it was great! there were cartoons & TV series about kids my age in America. my dream was to be one of them kids in America living a happy & fun life.when i was young i used to imagine & daydream a lot. i played them games with me fighting dragons & searching for treasure.

when i was 6, my grandma was completely out of money, so she couldn't pay for the room in the apartments anymore. we had to move into our house. it wasn't finished, so it looked really scary from the outside & there was barely any furniture there. only kitchen & a bedroom. there was no heating. only a tiny fireplace in the bedroom. but, like always, i didn't mind. i couldn't see anything wrong about that. i thought it was fun. i could play a lot of new games there. in the garden the grass was really tall , it has never been cut before, so i could play the explorer there. near the garden there was an old ruined building where the hobos lived & teenage boys drank. i played a detective game there.

the reason why i had to play on my own, was because kids my age didn't really like me: i was the weird poor girl with no parents. their parents didn't allow them to play with me, because they thought i would steal something from their house. the time when i actually found friends was when my dad brought me into a drama club in an old theater in the city when i was 8. i used to love to go there, and my parents would sometimes bring me there for my birthday to see a play. since i was really young, my dad have noticed that i had a talent for acting, & when he found out about about the club, he thought it was a great opportunity.

so i spend my nearly 3 happiest years of my childhood in my drama club, & when i turned 10, my dad said i can come to Ireland (that's where he worked) for my summer holidays. i could never tell you how happy i was.

right now i'm sitting in my room in the apartment that my dad is renting out in Dublin. the reason for that is: when i came here, after 2 weeks i had to go back, but i really didn't want to. my mom hates me for that - she thinks i lied to her. i didn't. i just never could've dreamed that my dad would've allowed me to stay. my grandma died few weeks after the summer. she was already really sick when i was going away & was put into hospital. she always told how she didn't want to die in a hospital.

my life here isn't great. my dad doesn't have a job for 2 years now, & we don't have that much money. he'd often brake down on me, & we start fighting. he'd hit me, & i try to fight back & end up getting hurt even more. but i don't blame him. i'm really passionate & dramatic, so i always have to make a scene out of everything. he, on the other hand, has serious anger problems. our fights usually end up by my laptop flying out the window. i feel sorry for out neighbors. i guess it's just the Russian blood that runs inside of us. when we have fights like that i usually get really angry & then brake down & cry. thoughts of suicide come into my head. but then i think to myself: no. i'm strong enough to forget about. i won't give up now. i won't let anyone brake me.

my dream is to move to America & get a good job. i want to have a nice family & give my children the happiest life anyone could ever have. i want to give them everything that a kid can dream of & more. i want them to have a life of the children from the "FoxKids" channel that i was so jealous of.