LIFE SUCKS

Why me?

i came from a really very overprotected family whenever i come from school i go staight to home. I've never had any friends but when i do have a friend i could never see them outside of school. In middle school people bullied a lot calling me ugly because i was skinny, big hair, braces, a long neck, flat chested and was always shy and quiet and that was the same year where i developed social anxiety. i have been through hell from middle until my sophmore year in high school. When i was 15 and a half i drasticaly changed i gained at least 20 pounds and it went to the good parts of my body. My breast filled out from a barely B cup to a DD cup, my butt went from non existent but to a J-lo bubble butt, i grew taller, I got my braces taken off and my whole appearance drastically changed. I got attention from people real quick. Guys that use to torment and bullied me start being nice, saying not only that i was the most beautifrul girl at school but that i was the most beautiful girl in the world and i was asked out on dates constantly. But of course i rejected them because of the hell they put me through and because i was painfully and disabling shy around boys. That's when the whole school got mad and jealous at me and start calling me a whore, slut and saying that i had plastic surgery. But i didn't care because i got use to all the harrassment anyways. I had never dated anyone in school because i knew that i would be saving myself for someone special and that i would lose my virginity until i get married so i won't have my heart broken and be like a slut like most of these girls in my school but that was what i thought. when I was 18 i was walking my dog down to park, btw it was 6 pm. And there was this man who look like he was in his 30's trying to talk to me in his pickup truck but i didn't say anything i try to walk away but then he quickly got out of his truck and started chasing me i tried to ran as fast as i could but he was too fast and then he push me down to the ground and lay on top of me and started raping me. i told him too stop and i was still virgin but he kept on going. that was the worst and agonizing 30 minutes of my life. i felt so ashamed and dirty i didn't want anbody to know that was raped. so i limped home and taken a shower and got into bed crying the whole time. when my mom came into my bedroom askin me what was wrong i lied to her and told her that a girl had bullied me but i knew i should've told to her the truth and thinking back then i knew that was the most biggest mistake i have done. At first i was very denial of what happened to me i didn't want to believe that a girl that have never dated or even kissed a guy lost her virginty to an ugly white trash drunken loser. i thought that no one could possibly love me now so i attempted to commit sucicde but each time i couldn't push myself to do it. My whole life changed my whole personality changed. I started to yell and talk back to my parents which i never do, i started to get in fights in school and i started flunking almost every class and later on i dropped out of school. and because my virginty was meaningless sex was meaningless too. so i started to have sex with almost all the guys in the school. i just didn't care anymore i felt like i was dead like my life couldn't get any better. That year was also the same year when i had my first boyfriendd who i was madly in love with btw he was African American. I told my parents that i have a boyfriend and they were concerned but looked forward to see him. When i showed him to my parents my dad was so upset and furious and my mom look confused my dad didn't say anything the whole time my boyfriend was there. My boyfriend then left and my dad start yelling at me and saying why would i be going out with a n***er and that he was the reason why drop out of school which wasn't true i dropped out before i met him. i was so angry that i packed my clothes and left that night to be with my boyfriend. I thought i was living in paradise but soon that paradise turns into hell real quick when he started hitting me. First he started to push me or grab my neck but after he introduce me into drugs thats when the fights gets real aggressive he started slapping, puching and choking me. i was so blinded by being in love and the drug addiction that i couldn't do anything. He then started selling my body for money and letting all of his friends gang rape me. i felt so worthless. I put up with this torture for 2 years until i born my son that is when i know enough is enough and i ran away to a women shelter. Now i am here with 3 year old son and i am suffering from severe depppresion, anxiety, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder and paranoia and i don't know what to do. i want my son to have a great future and a happy childhood but i don't know if i am the right person to give it to him. i just wish life will get better but it can't.