So here I am, 25y.o & still feeling like i have gone nowhere and achieved nothing. this ECHO's so dam loudly on my mind. sometimes i HATE facebook everyone with there perfect lives and happy status's makes me so mad why can't i have that!
I actually feel like the biggest LOSER known to mankind, I don't have a baby - although this is something I have wanted for a long time, I don't have a loving partner - SOMETHING i was sure I would find by now (no instead I am with a man who sucked me in @the beggining, then decided he didn't like me, WHICH was hugely obvious but because im me, i accepted this thinking @least i had someone LIKE EVERYBODY else and i found him attractive. we are now comming up to three years and i can only blame for still being here) i put up with a lot of emotional torture and occasionally physical punishment from him the biggest haunt for me though is ..his EX (&yes they got it on - i know of one time) - even though i lost so much weight to look good for him. i know that despite me thinking otherwise she to him is more physically and sexually attractive.
I was totally addicted to marijuana mainly because it blanks the shit outta my mind, however i don't know if this is true because maybe i think more in depth about my issues. I basically need to smoke cones daily or i can't sleep, i get shitty and i feel so lost.
I grew up with my mum, but my dad who is wonderful isn't my real dad - i love my family, but the extended side have never really warmed to me, i remember cousins making fun of me, I remember the exclusion and not really being welcome around them so i never tried because i knew that they would ignore me or i would feel like a dick for trying. my siblings are good, but when we were in our teens it became even more obvious the differences between us & i was jealous cause they were so similar and i could have been an alien.
I recently connected with my biological dad's side ... hmmm, im glad i made the effort i will say with honesty that it was reciprocated but not in the way that i had hoped for, i have met most of them, i wasn't really accepted by my half siblings. my biological dad is strange to me, i don't know if anyone know's how to deal with this but for them they all grew up knowing about me, i didn't know anybody existed except for him, i wanted so badly for them to take me in to replace the extended family i grew up around but it hasn't happened. Im okay with it now (for the most part) but it tugged at my heart strings and it just made me feel even less of a person.
Workwise I have always had a good ethic and have held good jobs, met mostly good people with the exception of a couple of old meddling gossipy bitches and am happy with my career choices, albeit its nothing if not a mundane career path and I feel like im stuck in a repetitive game. I seriously want to break free and have a change of pace.
Friend's I have some really good friends but as above they are all happy with children, loving partners, family fun and pleasant distractions so I don't talk about shit alot - no one wants to hear my problems anyway i have always felt like this, i have never minded about being a shoulder to cry on, i feel privileged people would want to talk to me, but I have always felt like no one cares about me and when i have something to say or need someone.
I really am a mass of destructive thoughts and hurtful memories. I wish someone would wave there magic wand at me and create happiness, i don't care about money, looks, or materialistic things - to be happy and content sounds like pure bliss. | |
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