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I can't believe it keeps getting worse.....

Posted by anonymous at May 19, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 May

I suppose in the last 10 years of my life, during numerous hard times, the one thing that has kept me going is the idea: 'things will get better'. Put simply, they just havent.

I see a lot of solutions put forward by people on this site and elsewhere, and know that i have tried many. Religion, Diet, Exercise, Drugs, Natural Therapies, Natural Substances, Change of Routine, Counselling, Positive Outlook, Charity Work Keeping Busy, blah blah i could go on. None of them have proven to be a solution.

Right now, i should be peaking in life. Im 24 and probably at my physical and mental best. Ive learned much in these last 10 years, become stronger, smarter, more aware, more independent, more skillfull, wealthier, but my will to go on with this life is waning.

My motivation, self confidence, happiness, and hopes of a bright future all disappeared years ago and never looked like coming back. All that is left now is anxiety and depression, a vicous cycle of the two. This has also lead to various other health implications. It should go without saying that ive never had a close relationship with anyone in my entire life.

Spending so much time alone as i do, for what seems like forever ive asked questions, am i different somehow? is there something medically wrong with me? (Not that i know of) why do other people socialise and fit in and pick up things so easily? Why am i excluded? How are people so happy with their lot? Dont they see all their imperfections and all the problems in the world?

Ive always been reasonably intelligent, Im not an unattractive guy (never have been), I am from a lower / middle class family that whilst isnt ideal or has been good to me, isnt by any means broken, living in a country that is supposedly lucky, but for as long as i can remember, my existence has been a struggle, with happy times few and far between, and recently, virtually non existent. My thoughts and dreams are dark and sinister.

I wont go too much into the history of it all, ive said and written it all before, in regards to circumstance. We dont get to choose who we are born to, when, and where and why, just doing the best we can. As it stands, we are destroying the planet, the wealthier you are the less you probably care, technology is expanding too rapidly for its own good, and you would think that the smartest people should be in charge of our countries? But no, just another popularity contest.

So that leaves me now. With my ever growing lack of belief, surely just ending it as soon as my family are no longer around to know. Living for them really, knowing that whilst it would bring me to peace, and maybe them as well to a small extent, that it would be a painful time for them if i was to go through with the so called selfish act.

This despite them not always being there for me, never showing any real sign of encouragement or affection (possibly why i have such a hard time dealing with others), being blatantly selfish and self centered to top it off. What really gets to me though, is that they seem to be able to identify and even help people with lesser problems with whom they barely know, but their own son? Not a fucking clue.

I mean shit, with all the problems i have. i try to help others even more than most people would. If someone asks for my help ill go beyond what it is expected of me, and not for reward or praise, but because it feels like the right thing to do. But where has that got me so far in life? Alone, unappreciated, stepped over, mocked, less successful than i may have otherwise been?

Most of the people i come across in my current environment and every day activities, would kick you to the ground if given half the chance, just to get a little ahead. This is one of those things ive learnt so quickly these past few years, that you have to fight, or else people will keep taking as much as they can from you. Genuine, honest people with no ties or selfish motives are incredibly difficult to find.

Yes i understand the irony of some of the things i have said, better than most, and you may think i have contradicted myself in parts, but i can tell you its not the case, if you do read, read it carefully, and then make up your own mind, i hope for once im not misunderstood.

I wish you well on your own journeys, i dont wish mine upon anyone


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Comments:
By anonymous at 19,May,12 11:01

Your peak isn't 24. I am almost 31 and feel better and more powerful now that I did in my 20s. You have to just keep on trying your best and taking advantange of any breaks that come your way. I had to change my college major 3 times before I found the one I was good at. Even earlier when I was in military training, I got washed back a few times before I finally made it. What separated me from the losers was willpower. I never let setbacks get in the way of the ultimate goal and kept on trying and showed my superiors that I was trying. Eventually you will finally get a break. Success in life is all about resolve and not giving up.


By anonymous at 19,May,12 15:52

Kill yourself, please
By anonymous at 19,May,12 20:54

Kilk yourself how old are you?? Really?? Kill urself u ignorant glum cunt... Waste of fucking air
By anonymous at 20,May,12 03:04 Fold Up

What the fuck is wrong with you, telling someone to kill themselves? This is someones son, how would you feel if your son killed himself. I wish for you to never find out. You should be ashamed of your self. Fucking ignorant turd.


By anonymous at 19,May,12 20:54

24, you're still wet behind the ears kid. You will mature and grow up hopefully. For now, live with yourself. A horror show.


By anonymous at 19,May,12 23:51

Because that's what life is about. Life has always been tough. Some more lucky then others, born in another family, with more money, more affection. But that's just it. You have to find a way to be stronger. You know, having such a strong will that even when you fall, you get up, and it happens a 100 more times. But I think that is what makes a person. The most important this is willpower. If you have that nothing will stand in your way. The world always had it's problems. But if you read books you see that there are people who have gone through hell and ended up very happy on their own accord. I will repeat, they went through hell. And I get that our own problems are the most heaviest, but it can ALWAYS be worse. And I think that alone is enough for you to say alright, I will work with what I've got. And if you have nothing, build something. Nothing is impossible. I know you feel desperate right now, and all that anxiety and everything build up, it isn't easy. And I really do hope that this is just that build up causing you to feel this way. That tomorrow you will wake up and feel better. It's the little steps we take. And I think that if you give it your all you will succeed, sooner or later. The world is a big mess, but the thing is it always has been. Also because of that technology we are living much better. Maybe you can't see it, but history proves it to be so. I really mean no disrespect, since I have felt like that also. I can't say it's the same, of course it can't be, but I know what it's like to feel hopeless to a certain point. This coming from a 20 year old girl. I am young but I think I have had enough things happen in my life to know it isn't easy. Nothing is that horrible that you can not live past it. I think that is a problem. I wish there was something worth dying for, something you truly love to that point. Maybe it exists for those who really try and hope. In the end people are all different and life is too short to feel anxious and depressed. Life is a constant struggle. The bitter-sweet moments of our lives are, for me at least, those worth all the pain. I read books and live in that fantasy world, it keeps me sane. It keeps me alive. But when I think about it, they are written about real life. And if there is a book about your life, what would it be about? How do you think you could change it if it doesn't suit you? There are others who feel for you and there are good people, you just have to try really hard. They say nothing good comes easily.The people worth it, everything that has some sort of worth is achieved easy. So, really, it's up to you, do you want to whine about things or will you do something? At the end of the day even if you fail, you could say I've tried. And that is what makes you different from all the rest. And really, it's all about how WE perceive OURSELVES. Breaking free from the social pressure, be it family or friends or global. You have to have a strong will to surpass that. Even if you die, everybody around you WILL continue after awhile to function again. That is what humans are about. But it's up to you to do something for yourself. It all sounds selfish, but that is how we are in a way... I hope you don't find me pretentious, this is only the way I think, and it has helped me get out of anxiety and depression. But still I fight everyday. People are social creatures and some people based on their own troubles seek to help others so that they wouldn't feel such pain. Or at least feel less pain. That is the reason for this long message. I really hope in some way this has helped you, even if you don't agree with what I have said I hope you at least know that there is a person in this world who wishes you all the best, from the depths of my heart. And I hope everything will be okay. PS go and check out Modest Mouse-Float on. Also imagine all the building would disappear and you could see a meadow and the sky and just be grateful... and find things to get you through the day.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on. :)


By anonymous at 20,May,12 03:17

You need to move on with your life, not think of ending it. I know it's hard, but try to change your outlook. Even if it dosen't get better, in time you will be able to cope better. Get out there and try to meet new people, make new relationships. You will be suprised how quickly that can change your situation. As for your family, if their not there for you, don't be there for them. I know they are your family, but if they are part of the problem, then try distancing your self from them for awhile. Start over some where new if you have to. Try taking a job in a new city, or a change of occupation. If you need a way out, the military will always take you, and you can easily start a new life with them. What ever you chose, do something. If what you're doing now hasn't made you happy yet, then it's time to try something new. "Insanity" look up the definition, you'll know what I mean.


By anonymous at 20,May,12 21:18

Thanks everyone for the advice,
i know the post was very self indulgent,
but i guess thats part of the point of this site,
it allows you to vent those frustrations to a wider audience that would otherwise not see people's problems.

For those saying 'kill yourself' and so on, good luck to you, i mean surely you havent read what i have written then, because otherwise you would know that ive been through a lot and a few random comments (which may or may not be intended as real)are about as significant as a drop in the ocean.

But if you have read it properly, then you surely have more screws loose than me. But look, as i said, ive had evil and sinister thoughts myself (including about others), they actually come and go each day. If it makes you feel better to write random stuff on this page, then go for it. Thats the point. It wont change my mind either way, whatever you write. Your probably a lot like me at the end of the day. I confess to have written and said and done some hateful things in my time.

I just hope though that one of you doesnt make the mistake of posting a similar comment to someone a little more desperate, or sensitive, with skin not as thick and a kinder more open heart than my own. Because you would not want to be responsible for them hurting themselves would you? Say a teenager going through a hard time? (You probably would have seen on the news and stuff all those schoolkids killing themselves over hate they had received.) If you do feel that way though, seek help! You know you have a problem, probably worse than mine.

Anyway, thats the last ill mention of it, as i said appreciation goes out to those who have thought about what they have said, particularly a very smart 20 year old.


By California at 21,May,12 17:33

I relate very well to this. It feels like my own story. I just wanted to share something I learned recently that brought me some knowledge about myself. I took a Meyers-Briggs personality test, which I think all psychology students take in college, however I'm not really a college student.. Anyway I got the test from my friend and turned out to be a personality that makes up about 1% of the world population. I wonder if you are the same. It caught my attention when you asked if others dont notice the worlds (and their own) imperfections. I feel very much the same. I'm a 23 year old female who has Been in the same emotional state since I was a kid. This test explained my personality traits and feelings quite accurately and even opened my eyes to a few other things. They have these tests online. You should give it a whirl. We feel too much.
By anonymous at 22,May,12 01:04

Your right,
i did in fact do the test a few years ago, and it turned out to be the rarest one.


By MoFo at 21,May,12 19:08

I totally agree with California in taking that personality test.
I, myself, for quite sometime have thought that there was
something wrong with me. Until I took that test and found out
that I made up only 25% of the worlds pop. So now, whenever
I get caught up in feeling like an outcast, I remind myself that
I am those who are of a rare breed and that it's ok to feel things
greatly and deeply. Hope this helps your journey.


By RoyalCBD at 28,Sep,20 13:58

kkqG4z This site truly has all the info I needed concerning this subject and didn at know who to ask.


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