In reference to the title, I would say I more paralysed than confused, bored would be an accurate description when taken in conjunction with being paralysed and as for suicidal, not really, I don't think taking my life would be really that much fun.
I would say I have it better than most. I have great parents, my mom and dad have sacrificed everything to get us where we are and they do love me to death. I haven't worked a day in my life up until I graduated from the university. I have a job that has good prospects but I am starting to sabotage myself into getting fired. Honestly, I don't want to work. I am very lazy, I am tired all day and I am a chronic procrastinator. I never finish anything I start and I delay project and have trouble meeting deadlines. My desk is always piled up with papers because I am disorganized and I make stupid mistakes when presenting projects.
My motto has become "I don't care" although I do get frustrated when I do idiotic mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. I graduated with honors from my university with minimum study. I would always score higher than the nerds who studied all day, most Finance student suck at math so I would dominate them. My problem isn't brain power. Let me put it this way, I have a big engine with no fuel. Sounds right.
I have reached a point of indifference where I don't care whether I live or die. I don't care if any of my friends died. I wouldn't care if the world was going to explode, I think I would actually enjoy it. :)
I wouldn't call myself depressed but lets just say I am indifferent more leaning towards being frustrated. I looked up ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) and I have all the symptoms less the hyperactivity. I was very hyperactive as a child but that has died down. I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist 5 days from today, I'm hoping for the best. I have never been to therapy in my life. I am hoping he can give me something to increase my concentration, diminish my procrastination and overall turn me into a normal productive human being. I will bolt out of there if I hear the word therapy from his mouth. A couple of words once a week and 150 bucks an hour won't cure anything.
I'm sorry if you were expecting a horror show. I truly sympathize with those that have "real" problems. I have an hour more to be at work and i can go home eat, watch a bit of TV and repeat the whole process of work-eat-sleep all over again tomorrow. Cheers. | |
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