LIFE SUCKS

Good luck.

I lived a very carefree childhood. Being the eldest child I took responsibility with open arms and I wanted to impress my parents and make them proud. I was a terrific sports player, with good grades at school. My mother would always tell me how smart my dad was and that I must have inherited his genius, so I always set out to impress him. Even to this day he remains unimpressed with my learning abilities even though I've surpassed him in mathematics and physics. I was a born leader, all of my friends looked up to me and I really cared about them too. Even though they weren't the most popular kids, I defended them from other classmates and made sure that they weren't picked on. I was forced to leave them when I moved away. It was like restarting somewhere else and it was great. My mother was less protective of me, and my father was as carefree as ever. We had a huge house with a lake and a dog. When the recession hit us hard, we started to struggle. I woke up thanksgiving day to the police knocking at my door. My father ran into my room shouting that my mother was crazy. I didn't know what was going on, all i knew was that things weren't going to be the same. My parents separated when I was 14 years old. I was old enough to understand, but I was still hurt by what was going on. Since then my father changed, while my mother remained to be caring and nurturing. I had to stay strong for my younger sister, and so I didn't cry. MY dad started to grow distant from me and my sister, he was changing and I couldn't understand why. Whenever I went to his apartment there was weird things I would see. Posters of half naked men in his room, and books on homosexuality. A year later I found out that my parents got divorced because my father was actually gay.

I changed too at that point. I became quiet, sad, and shy. I was no longer a leader but a scared nerdy kid who just wanted his old dad back. I looked up to him so much, and now he turned into some sort of complete stranger. It got to the point where I was scared to give him a hug or even stay in his house. Me and my sister were actually scared of him. We felt like we were sleeping in a strangers home and hated it. I moved again about four more times at this stage. I took up a lot of hobbies too. I started to disconnect with video games, guitar, and skating. I never told anyone about my dad, but I feel like its still affecting me. My mother has been diagnosed with depression for the past five years. I'm nineteen years old now and I hated seeing her suffer because of my father. She worked herself to sleep every night trying to do the best she could for me and my sister. Her mom passed away last year and it only made things worse. I got a job to help her with the bills but was forced to quit when it was hurting my grades in college. In the past five years I felt like Ive had the worst luck. Even with my outstanding 5.4 GPA in high school I was not accepted to any university and was forced to go to a community college. I graduated number 26 out of 700 students and saw others go to better schools than me . I lost confidence in myself. I never had a relationship with a female, and I don't know how to talk to them. I just have a handful of friends who don;t mind getting drunk with me and play video games. I crashed my car in the first week I started driving and totaled it. Things have been a mess ever since my parents got divorced.

I recently started to realize that I can blame the things that happened to me in the past. You just have to take control of life and hope you lead it in the right direction. I'm still not the person I want to be, or the person I used to be but I hope that some day I'll be that person again. They say that the last part of the storm is the roughest, and things eventually started to light up. I saved up a lot of money and graduated from the community college a year early. I started to talk to more people, be more sociable again - and others seem to like me too. I still have trouble with girls because I can't seem to say the what they want to hear. I haven't really found a girl that I'd want to get serious with, but I hope that I do. If anyone out there reading this has had trouble like this in the past or in the present, just know that you can only count on yourself. You can't blame people for changing you or for making you miserable - you have to take responsibility for your own life.